June poem FISH BOWL

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June poem FISH BOWL

Post  Velvet F on Wed Jun 22, 2011 8:05 pm

FISH BOWL

A flash of orange
so bright I squint.
Sunlight dances on
Ralph and Alice
as they race in laps,
chasing one another.
Water swirls behing them and
the treasure chest lid
flaps opened and closed,
glinting treasures peeking out.
Goldfish exercising.

(This was an assignment to write about fish and use imagery in every line.)

Velvet F

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Velvet

Post  tsukany on Sat Jun 25, 2011 9:16 pm

While we're waiting, the line that holds no image (so to speak) is the line with the names. What if you move that line to the title? Maybe you can think of an angle for the ending to push the poem "outside the frame" of pure image.

This is a fun poem.
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tsukany

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Forgive me for presumption

Post  tsukany on Mon Jul 04, 2011 8:45 pm

The Honeymooners: Ralph and Alice

Sunlight dances on
flashes of orange
so bright I squint.
Water swirls behind them
as they race in laps,
chasing one another.
The treasure chest lid
flaps opened and closed,
glinting treasures peeking out.
Goldfish exercising.

Maybe you can tighten the "honeymoon" imagery in this one too. I like the allusion to the TV show.
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