The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    June poem FISH BOWL

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    Velvet F

    Posts : 12
    Join date : 2011-05-22

    June poem FISH BOWL

    Post  Velvet F on Wed Jun 22, 2011 8:05 pm

    FISH BOWL

    A flash of orange
    so bright I squint.
    Sunlight dances on
    Ralph and Alice
    as they race in laps,
    chasing one another.
    Water swirls behing them and
    the treasure chest lid
    flaps opened and closed,
    glinting treasures peeking out.
    Goldfish exercising.

    (This was an assignment to write about fish and use imagery in every line.)
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Velvet

    Post  tsukany on Sat Jun 25, 2011 9:16 pm

    While we're waiting, the line that holds no image (so to speak) is the line with the names. What if you move that line to the title? Maybe you can think of an angle for the ending to push the poem "outside the frame" of pure image.

    This is a fun poem.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Forgive me for presumption

    Post  tsukany on Mon Jul 04, 2011 8:45 pm

    The Honeymooners: Ralph and Alice

    Sunlight dances on
    flashes of orange
    so bright I squint.
    Water swirls behind them
    as they race in laps,
    chasing one another.
    The treasure chest lid
    flaps opened and closed,
    glinting treasures peeking out.
    Goldfish exercising.

    Maybe you can tighten the "honeymoon" imagery in this one too. I like the allusion to the TV show.

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