The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    REQUEM (First Draft)

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 363
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    REQUEM (First Draft)

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Apr 27, 2013 10:53 am

    I think this poem may be too tight to carry the message of this older woman and dog looking today and yesterday at the imposing peak that serves as a touchstone for each of us going to the mailboxes. HELP! D.

    REQUEM

    She stands in the street

    near the mailboxes

    looking far away, inward,

    toward Mt Mc Laughlin



    one hand full of junk mail

    the other holding the leash

    attached to a powder puff

    spring gently caress her back



    Once they saw a negligee

    pink, draping the peak

    as they leaned into spring

    today she sees a graying shroud



    a dying petal of their last bouquet

    now she turns the pages of herself

    feels the cooling of his smile

    distant cooing of a single dove.

    -Dewell H. Byrd

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I'll jump out here. . .

    Post  Pat on Sat Apr 27, 2013 12:19 pm

    Dewell, check title spelling. . . . Stanza 1: is the mailbox or the woman doing lines 3 and 4? (Maybe reverse l 1 and 2?) So, the powder puff is a dog? : ) S 2: caressing? As a reader, I don't think I need stanza 3 except that last line. (Bet you could turn those other 3 lines (great metaphor) into a haiku. I'd stick with what they see today. Curious about what those other two poets will suggest on the last stanza. I like the dove and shroud. Stay with it, Dewell. . . . you have the makings of a great poem here.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Requiem

    Post  tsukany on Sat Apr 27, 2013 6:10 pm

    Hey Dewell,

    The second stanza is unclear to me. Maybe you can check the lines at the "sentence" level.
    I am not sure of the identity of "they" in the third stanza.
    "Pages" of stanza three seems like a book not something from the "mailbox" of stanza one.

    Send us more of this first draft.

    Todd

    dennis20
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    Good stab at first draft

    Post  dennis20 on Sat Apr 27, 2013 6:29 pm

    Dewell,  I think you have too many involved here.  she, powder puff, they, he.  Narrow it down to just one or two.  It would be more personal with she and the mailbox and what she finds there without the dog.  Or omit the mountains and keep the dog and junk mail.  I think it opens too many avenues to go down. I think you could have ended with "now she turns the pages of herself."  It has potential, don't quit. D

    robinaburrows

    Posts : 8
    Join date : 2013-04-27
    Age : 37
    Location : Arkansas

    Feedback on your poem

    Post  robinaburrows on Sun Apr 28, 2013 9:23 pm

    When I read this poem, I immediately thought of the Glad commercial where a woman is at her mailbox and there is a mountain in the background, and Glad covers the mountain in garbage bags to show how many bags people could save if they use Glad bags.

    I don't know if that commercial was an inspiration for this piece, but that's what I thought of...

    The third stanza didn't make sense to me. Did someone drape something else over the mountain? Or is that talking about a sunset? I didn't have a clue what you were trying to describe there. Or if perhaps the mountain was seeing the woman in a negligee? Maybe I'm just dense. Smile

    The line about the grey shroud around the mountain made me think of the garabage bags they covered the mountian in during the commercial. But it could also double as melting snow and the symbolic destruction of the natural environment...?

    The last stanza didn't make sense to me either. Maybe because I didn't understand the previous stanza, but those lines don't seem to connect to the images in the first two stanzas. But once again, maybe it's just me nto understanding.

    Robin

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