The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Hi - I am Robin

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    robinaburrows

    Posts : 8
    Join date : 2013-04-27
    Age : 37
    Location : Arkansas

    Hi - I am Robin

    Post  robinaburrows on Sat Apr 27, 2013 9:09 pm

    Hi. I am looking for a poetry critique group. Dennis told me about this one.

    I mainly write freeverse poetry. I feel like I'm fairly new to the world of poetry. I don't know how much feedback I will be able to offer that the more experienced people haven't already said, but I can try if you'll have me. Very Happy

    Dennis said you critique each other's poetry the last Friday of each month. Is there anything else I need to know?


    Robin A. Burrows

    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 24
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Welcome Robin

    Post  Admin on Sun Apr 28, 2013 7:24 am

    Hey Robin...join in the fun. Glad to have you aboard. Post your comments and poems asap!

    Admin (Todd)

    robinaburrows

    Posts : 8
    Join date : 2013-04-27
    Age : 37
    Location : Arkansas

    Here is my poem: Possessed

    Post  robinaburrows on Sun Apr 28, 2013 12:48 pm

    Here is my poem. I will comment on everyone else's poems when I get home tonight.


    Possessed
    By Robin A. Burrows

    Being a writer
    Is like being possessed
    You carry the words,
    Scene, page, or emotions
    Within you
    Like a heavy womb
    With feelings
    Until it grows
    Too much to carry
    And you must translate
    The being within you
    To paper.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    YAY...Welcome to the cutting club :)

    Post  tsukany on Sun Apr 28, 2013 3:07 pm

    Robin

    We swing a loving LARGE hammer in this group. We know that the poem always belongs to the poet, so we are FAR to free with our opinions. Smile Welcome...and bring your big hammer too.

    I like to "break" things so the poet can see the work as fresh as possible.

    I would cut line two since it's in the title


    Possessed

    By Robin A. Burrows

    Being a writer
    You carry the words,
    Scenes, pages, and emotions
    Like a heavy womb

    Until it grows
    Too much to carry
    And you must translate ("Translate" needs attention. I wonder if it's too much to continue the "birth" metaphor or to return to "possession"/ "exorcise" )
    The being to paper.

    dennis20
    Guest

    Looking at your poem

    Post  dennis20 on Sun Apr 28, 2013 8:23 pm

    Robin, I would make two changes.  In the line, "and you must translate" I would omit "and" since it isn't necessary and doesn't alter the scope of the poem.  I would change the word translate to "deliver" in keeping the picture and thought of the poem.

    robinaburrows

    Posts : 8
    Join date : 2013-04-27
    Age : 37
    Location : Arkansas

    thanks for the feedback

    Post  robinaburrows on Sun Apr 28, 2013 9:48 pm

    Thanks for the feedback.

    When I originally wrote the poem translate was one of the words I chose very deliberately because the images we have in our heads often are not quite the same as when they are written down. It's so easy to feel something, but to show how that feels is like a translating English to fish. That's why I chose translate there. I don't think I picked any of the other words in the poem quite so deliberately.

    And also because translate evokes images of writing and language.

    Why don't you like the word there, if I might ask?

    Robin

    dennis20
    Guest

    Liking a word

    Post  dennis20 on Sun Apr 28, 2013 10:06 pm

    Robin,  I like deliver because it flows with the picture that I see.  deliver is the culmination of carry, womb, grows-- so birth seems a natural conclusion to the picture.  Since you explain how you came to the word translate it makes sense, but remember, you can't be there to tell each reader why you chose a certain word.  If it isn't self-evident then he has missed your point. That all being said, remember it is always your poem to do with what you will.  We only offer suggestions and that's all they are. You have a very tight poem so each word has to carry its share of weight. That's why I suggested cutting the word and.  It would not change a thing but help tighten the poem a little bit more. It is a good poem with a good picture whether touched or not.

     

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Welcome, Robin. I like the poem. . .

    Post  Pat on Sun Apr 28, 2013 10:11 pm

    we all know about the heavy womb of a poem. And I guess we do deliver once we write it down or as Todd suggested, exocise. That might fit better when possessed. It has big energy.

    If it is an exocism, it might be a demon. If a being/baby, maybe it's a delivery. In both cases, you push the poem out. . . . you've got us thinking.

    As always, it is your poem. Take what fits from us and leave the rest. (Sometimes we totally miss the mark. Only the poet knows when we hit dead-on. And you'll know if we miss the mark. We throw mud and water and suggestions. . . just brainstorming. All in the name of "helping" the other guy. You keep the words that fit for you. No judgment being made. We are just poets with slanted opinions on what fits for us as readers and as poets. We all know about possessed and addicted, but whatever was highly deliberate for you is right for you. You feel free to keep it. You may have worked hard for it which attaches us to it. Sometimes we may not be able to explain. Sometimes, maybe we can. You may just have to sit with the suggestion and decide what to do with it 3 days later. That will be fine. (We just fire thoughts out. You take what you need --you are welcome to it--and put the rest in outer space with the other asteroids. : )

    Thanks for sharing your poem. Pat

    robinaburrows

    Posts : 8
    Join date : 2013-04-27
    Age : 37
    Location : Arkansas

    Re: Hi - I am Robin

    Post  robinaburrows on Sun Apr 28, 2013 10:46 pm

    I appreciate your comments. It helps me to know what other people think when they read something because what I intended doesn't always come across in the writing. I usually have to sit on a pice of writing for a while and come back to it later to see it more clearly.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    My tendency

    Post  tsukany on Sun Apr 28, 2013 11:32 pm

    Robin...I really think Dennis' suggestion about "Deliver" is wonderful. Maybe it would be a better title than Possessed since it carries less negative baggage.

    I try not to share what I want the reader to take from the poem (unless asked). I write cryptic pieces (understatement, huh?) and once I offer a deep clue or explication, often the reader can't offer me unbiased feedback. So I must seek another victim.

    I like to tell my students, "Hey, you know that this poem is certainly NOT about Danika Patrick winning a NASCAR race." By that I mean, as long as the feedback is honest, I can respond "Ya, my poem is big enough for that interpretation." If I can't tolerate an interpretation, I have to change the poem. As Dennis says, "The poet can't be there to defend the work." The poem is out of our hands at that point...of course, we are ALWAYS right when it comes to our own work!

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 374
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Robin's Possessed Poem

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Apr 29, 2013 6:52 pm

    WELCOME ABOARD, Robin! I like your poem because it brings visions of me at 3:AM and a thread running, running, demanding capture to paper. Thank you for sharing it with us.

    I once submitted a beach-sceene poem called AFTERMATH. D.,P.,T. all saw an event of nature. I had written about an atomic event! And then there were times when most of their observations/suggestions just dribbled down the drain. All in all this FRIDAY thing has been extremely helpful to me and I cherish the insights I receive. Your poem... your choice... again, WELCOME ABOARD. Dewell (on the left coast).

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    Re: Hi - I am Robin

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