Seems like I need to change one word to bring this together. Agree?

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Seems like I need to change one word to bring this together. Agree?

Post  tsukany on Fri May 24, 2013 6:51 am

Holly in Belfast
--from a photo

Standing on the beach with the horizon,
a blue line with white frothing, behind me,

I look down at the fresh sand, combed
by tide, flecked by the webbed feet

of gulls and barnacled limpets. I am not chilled
by a future nor the wind to my left. To think

there was a day when you were not present
to snap my picture. I rest comfortably and will return here.

--Sukany 23 May 2013


Last edited by tsukany on Fri May 31, 2013 8:19 am; edited 2 times in total
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Todd's Seascape Reverie

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat May 25, 2013 5:32 pm

I might change "there to this"..

Also, that fresh describing sand puzzles me... do you mean wet sand where gulls, etc dance... And... do we need to know the wind comes from your left? Well, maybe it helps with the lonely aspect of the mood. I like the comforting ending. Dewell

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Thanks Dewell

Post  tsukany on Sat May 25, 2013 8:23 pm

thanks for your quick eyes Dewell.

Todd
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Fine work here.

Post  Pat on Sat Jun 01, 2013 10:16 pm

from a photo. .. . helped me soooo much. Thank you. What I loved were your picture-words: frothing, combed, flecked. Couplets: so I am all balanced. But I am a little knocked off-balance by "not chilled by a future. . ." Of course, if the poet mentions he is not chilled, it leads me, the reader, to think something big happened that Holly would not be in the future, not be able to snap a picture eventually. So that not chilled feels like foreshadowing. Whew! And then there is the commitment to return. I like the commitment and that it is a longer line. The reader does not miss the commitment.

I feel some sadness when I read it. Loss. Deep loss.

Also, I like the way you said, "To think there was a day. . ."

When you transfer your poem from a file, it looks like your poem, I'm sure. Mine never does. : ( I don't know how you do that. I copy and paste, and my poem never shows up like it does in my file. How do you do that?

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Re: Seems like I need to change one word to bring this together. Agree?

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