The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Seems like I need to change one word to bring this together. Agree?

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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Seems like I need to change one word to bring this together. Agree?

    Post  tsukany on Fri May 24, 2013 6:51 am

    Holly in Belfast
    --from a photo

    Standing on the beach with the horizon,
    a blue line with white frothing, behind me,

    I look down at the fresh sand, combed
    by tide, flecked by the webbed feet

    of gulls and barnacled limpets. I am not chilled
    by a future nor the wind to my left. To think

    there was a day when you were not present
    to snap my picture. I rest comfortably and will return here.

    --Sukany 23 May 2013


    Last edited by tsukany on Fri May 31, 2013 8:19 am; edited 2 times in total

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Todd's Seascape Reverie

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat May 25, 2013 5:32 pm

    I might change "there to this"..

    Also, that fresh describing sand puzzles me... do you mean wet sand where gulls, etc dance... And... do we need to know the wind comes from your left? Well, maybe it helps with the lonely aspect of the mood. I like the comforting ending. Dewell
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Thanks Dewell

    Post  tsukany on Sat May 25, 2013 8:23 pm

    thanks for your quick eyes Dewell.

    Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Fine work here.

    Post  Pat on Sat Jun 01, 2013 10:16 pm

    from a photo. .. . helped me soooo much. Thank you. What I loved were your picture-words: frothing, combed, flecked. Couplets: so I am all balanced. But I am a little knocked off-balance by "not chilled by a future. . ." Of course, if the poet mentions he is not chilled, it leads me, the reader, to think something big happened that Holly would not be in the future, not be able to snap a picture eventually. So that not chilled feels like foreshadowing. Whew! And then there is the commitment to return. I like the commitment and that it is a longer line. The reader does not miss the commitment.

    I feel some sadness when I read it. Loss. Deep loss.

    Also, I like the way you said, "To think there was a day. . ."

    When you transfer your poem from a file, it looks like your poem, I'm sure. Mine never does. : ( I don't know how you do that. I copy and paste, and my poem never shows up like it does in my file. How do you do that?

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    Re: Seems like I need to change one word to bring this together. Agree?

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