The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    OUR BORDER SEIVE

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    OUR BORDER SEIVE

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat May 25, 2013 5:19 pm

    I've been squeezing this poem for a week. now it is time to get help from that AWESOME Friday team. All suggestions appreciated. Dewell



    OUR BORDER SEIVE

    nostrils full of sage and sand

    sweat streaked bodies glistening

    in the wan moonlight, we

    move in silent waves





    prodded to we-know-not-where

    by hope and stories told by

    dreamers and false guides.

    Desparation guides our steps



    to leaky borders made by man.



    If in dreams I see myself

    the butterfly, flitting unnoticed

    from sage to cactus, what

    man-made boundary prevails?



    If I dream myself a drifting cloud;

    a sage hen; roadrunner; early morning fog;

    sirocco wind in the guard'd face;

    might I slip by with impunity?



    Is it only humans that are truly foreign?



    ---- Dewell H. Byrd
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I think the poem wants to be simpler

    Post  tsukany on Sat May 25, 2013 8:54 pm

    Dewell...it seems like you have too many ideas competing for space. I made additional comments below.

    OUR BORDER SIEVE

    nostrils full of sage and sand
    sweat streaked bodies glistening (are these sweat-streaked bodies?)
    in the wan moonlight, we
    move in silent waves (are we in a boat? How do we sweat in the waves?)

    prodded to we-know-not-where (this hyphenation takes much energy to process...maybe a single word to move the "plot" along?)
    by hope and stories told by (two "by"s in one line)
    dreamers and false guides.
    Desperation guides our steps

    to leaky borders made by man. (I wonder if this is the true first sentence of the poem? It is the first reference related to the title. The line breaks seem to draw attention too.)

    If in dreams I see myself
    the butterfly, flitting unnoticed
    from sage to cactus, what
    man-made boundary prevails?

    If I dream myself a drifting cloud; (I like the first metaphor, two seems too much)
    a sage hen; roadrunner; early morning fog;
    sirocco wind in the guard'd face;
    might I slip by with impunity?

    Is it only humans that are truly foreign?



    ---- Dewell H. Byrd

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Dewell, I will look at this poem

    Post  Pat on Sat Jun 01, 2013 10:21 pm

    tomorrow when I am brighter. : )

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I think I'll give you my reactions to each stanza.

    Post  Pat on Sun Jun 02, 2013 2:35 pm

    Maybe that will help you create what you want.

    S 1 : sounds like you are describing illegal Mexicans weaving their way in groups at night

    S 2: I'd drop all except the last line

    S 3: leaky borders, therefore, the seive

    S 4 and S 5: so much it's hard to hold onto. What if you chose one image and then used your impunity question?

    S 6: last stanza: I don't think you need it.

    People slipping over: that's all there is to the story. I'd not go to a big general question.

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