The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Do you need more to understand?

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    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Do you need more to understand?

    Post  Pat on Tue Jun 25, 2013 9:59 pm

    Oh, to Taste the Tippy Top



     

    I work hard


    to simplify, to claim one afternoon



     

    when I might have nothing to do.



     

    Meanwhile, a bald eagle sits high


    in the tallest pine



     

    tasting the tippy top.



     

    He does not live there.


    A white cloud whispers,



     

    Your turn.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    So many actors

    Post  tsukany on Fri Jun 28, 2013 6:53 am

    Pat

    I am not sure about your line spacing since the Forum does bad things to them often.  As I put your poem in NotePad to eliminate the line spaces, I eliminated the extra player (the narrator).  Sorry.  You know that I try to break things so that you can see them fresh.  I tend to get married to the arrangement of words AND my story and can't revise it, only tinker with the "weeds."  Here's what I think is happening:

    Oh, to Taste

    A bald eagle sits high
    in the tallest pine
    tasting the tippy top

    He does not live here
    A white cloud whispers
    Your turn

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Oh, To Taste The ...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Jun 28, 2013 12:18 pm

    Pat,
    I like what Todd did to this poem... except I do prefer the narrator stanza with "to simplify" deleted.  It took me some time to be comfortable with Tippy Top.  It seemed too childish for the bald eagle image following.  I much prefer Todd's suggested title.  Is there a really nice haiku in the middle of ths poem...?  I'm really partial to raptors and their image in a people poem.  Thanks for sharing.  Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Thank you for your suggestions. . . .

    Post  Pat on Fri Jun 28, 2013 4:15 pm

    I was in shock, just now, to find the spacing.   I thought I had couplets.   : )   Hilarious.  What an adventure.  This means I must do something so that my poem in this program is not so scattered and spread.  It's always comes out weird looking, but never so strange as this.   Okay, I'm trying to get ready for a reunion. . . . it may be late tonight or Sunday before I can look at poems, but don't give up on me.  I knew the poem needed help.  Glad I sent it.  Pat

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Ooops! Not straight couplets.

    Post  Pat on Fri Jun 28, 2013 4:19 pm

    I had alternated single lines and couplets.   Oh well. . . . the world is trying to swallow me up.  I am in a battle here.  More later,  Pat

    dennis20
    Guest

    Understand the pic

    Post  dennis20 on Sat Jun 29, 2013 10:11 am

    Pat,  I have trouble with brevity.  I can see how someone else has over run their work with words, but not my own.  What Todd has done has taken the part out where you tell us the situation, but not the picture of the situation.  All of what you told us is summed up in the words your turn.

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