The Last Friday

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    GRANDMA CAN"T GET...

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    GRANDMA CAN"T GET...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Jul 22, 2013 4:57 pm

    Looking for some fine tuning... and anything else you see... Thanks, Dewell.


    GRANDMA CAN’T GET THE HANG OF IT

    Grandma’s dead, no doubt of that, dead, fine‘,

    kaput. Why can’t she get the hang of it and

    go dancing, flying around with her dead friends?



    She grumbles from the back seat because she

    can’t call shotgun any more. I sneaked in late

    last night, shoes in hand, and there she stood



    in the hallway beside our grandfather clock.

    My kid reached for another jelly doughnut, POW!

    He swears someone slapped his hand. At my



    two-martini lunch… OUCH, elbow in the ribs.

    I slapped the snooze button three times Saturday

    morning before I smelled granny’s purple perfume.



    There she is… like liquid in my shaving mirror…

    counting my gray hairs, patting my sagging jowls.

    I think she checks my shorts for racing stripes.



    Granny’s “Little Spoofy” still chews on

    her house shoes and puddles on paper. We’re

    taking great care of him just like she would.



    She needs to go try on some wings, get a halo,

    find a long white gown, enjoy the spirit world.

    Just let us be human. Our memory of her is enough.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I put this in NotePad then pasted that file...

    Post  tsukany on Mon Jul 22, 2013 9:36 pm

    Let's see if it is bad Gremlin

    GRANDMA CAN’T GET THE HANG OF IT

    Grandma’s dead, no doubt of that, dead, fine‘,
    kaput. Why can’t she get the hang of it and
    go dancing, flying around with her dead friends?

    She grumbles from the back seat because she
    can’t call shotgun any more. I sneaked in late
    last night, shoes in hand, and there she stood

    in the hallway beside our grandfather clock.
    My kid reached for another jelly doughnut, POW!
    He swears someone slapped his hand. At my

    two-martini lunch… OUCH, elbow in the ribs.
    I slapped the snooze button three times Saturday
    morning before I smelled granny’s purple perfume.

    There she is… like liquid in my shaving mirror…
    counting my gray hairs, patting my sagging jowls.
    I think she checks my shorts for racing stripes.

    Granny’s “Little Spoofy” still chews on
    her house shoes and puddles on paper. We’re
    taking great care of him just like she would.

    She needs to go try on some wings, get a halo,
    find a long white gown, enjoy the spirit world.
    Just let us be human. Our memory of her is enough.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Grand fun Thanks

    Post  tsukany on Fri Jul 26, 2013 11:04 am

    GRANDMA CAN’T GET THE HANG OF IT

    Grandma’s dead, no doubt of that, dead, fine‘,  Can these be sentences?  Caps and periods...emphasizes the content of the line more
    kaput. Why can’t she get the hang of it and
    go dancing, flying around with her dead friends?

    She grumbles from the back seat because she
    can’t call shotgun any more. I sneaked in late
    last night, shoes in hand, and there she stood

    in the hallway beside our grandfather clock.
    My kid reached for another jelly doughnut, POW!
    He swears someone slapped his hand. At my

    two-martini lunch… OUCH, elbow in the ribs.
    I slapped the snooze button three times Saturday
    morning before I smelled granny’s purple perfume.

    There she is… like liquid in my shaving mirror…
    counting my gray hairs, patting my sagging jowls.
    I think she checks my shorts for racing stripes.

    Granny’s “Little Spoofy” still chews on
    her house shoes and puddles on paper. We’re
    taking great care of him just like she would.

    She needs to go try on some wings, get a halo,
    find a long white gown, enjoy the spirit world.
    Just let us be human. Our memory of her is enough.

    dennis20
    Guest

    Not much tweeking

    Post  dennis20 on Mon Jul 29, 2013 11:38 am

    Dewell,  The only part I see that doesn't follow the complaints issued is about the dog.  Of course, it's not to far afield to fit in with the other things, but you don't have complaints about the dog like you do with everything else.  If you wanted, you could have the dog chew on some of YOUR things not Granny's house slippers.  The dog is a reminder of Granny, but not in the same vein as the other things mentioned.  Hope that helps   I like the personal things mentioned (like calling shotgun)  rather than being vague.  Dennis

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Helpful to read it as Todd printed it.

    Post  Pat on Tue Jul 30, 2013 8:51 am

    And I suspect that this is how it looks in your Word.  

    Helpful to know right off, that Grandma is dead.  I think fine', your word in first line means finished, so it would have an acute accent over the e.  Now how do we do that?  I once knew and have forgotten how to type it.  Acute accents go from right to left.  French word.  Also in S 1, line 3, I'd drop her. 
    S 3, line 1:  drop our, replace with the.  I like the smell of purple perfume.  : )  The only prosey line I found was:  We're taking great care of her. . . . it's about telling, not showing.  I guess I just want you to show it.  Maybe brushing her coat, letting her sit in your lap, etc.  Last stanza:  Say Grandma instead of she.  We need to be brought back to her.   She is delightful and makes me smile.  i'd drop:  enjoy the Spirit world.  I don't know what that means.  I'd also drop:  She needs to let us be human.  Telling.  Just told us you want her to go away and do something else.  So what if you ended with:  We have lightning bolts of memories or We cannot forget what fluttered before us in childhood or She is in every yesterday.  Something like that.

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