The Last Friday

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    Not sure of the title and there's a couple lines that need TLC

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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Not sure of the title and there's a couple lines that need TLC

    Post  tsukany on Fri Jul 26, 2013 7:06 am

    The Church I Know
    “Does it say anywhere in the bible that you have to be part of the church?”

    Two teams on the field.  Each has its starters and stars.  
    Both play regulars, without renown.  These
    are delighted to “do the do.”  Some play
    out of debt, others from some delusioned
    promise of ascension into full-time
    starter status, called up for great crisis,
    peace into calamity, sudden death
    on the television.  During the game,

    vendors roam the field, strolling through bleachers,
    cheap seats, and sky boxes, hawking their wares,
    recruiting.  Sometimes there’s a great exchange
    but others are pressed into service, play
    and pay, watch their team fix in size, impact,
    and influence; when does the real game end?

    --  Sukany 24 July 2013

    dennis20
    Guest

    Title is okay

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Jul 26, 2013 10:08 am

    Todd, Riveting questions, these.  A couple of observations:
    1. You could omit the word "its" in the line about each has starters.

    2. recruiting.  Sometimes there’s a great exchange  I don't see
    recruiting going along with "hawking their wares" at least not in ball.
    maybe start a new thought with recruiting...great exchange...

    3.  "fix in size" doesn't compute for me.  I understand impact and influence.

    over all, good picture.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    The Church I Know

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Jul 28, 2013 2:14 pm

    Maybe in the book of "NOAH"?  Todd,  Who is keeping score in this game of everyday life played out on the street, in our families?  If nothing else, the poem raises all kinds of questions.  The roles played by the "players" is the poem's core for me.  And I agree with Dennis on the nit-pick items.  Attention to them could help the poem's flow.  I like the fact that the poem makes me think!  -Dewell
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Clarity needed

    Post  tsukany on Sun Jul 28, 2013 3:25 pm

    Dennis...I am trying to stay close to the modified sonnet form and ten syllables per line.  Your point THREE is the point I reference in the title of the original post.  I want to say "The decisions that are made by some permanently 'fix' set in stone (or under a stone) the eternity of another person."  I appreciate any, and I mean any, assistance that helps bring clarity to this area of the poem.

    Thanks in advance

    Todd

    Dennis20
    Guest

    trying to fix the fix

    Post  Dennis20 on Mon Jul 29, 2013 11:27 am

    Todd,  Could you use something about the salary cap?  That limits the number of players.  Or have you passed the comparison of ball teams and strictly into the "team", church, religious org?  I wasn't looking for the sonnet angle so I wasn't necessarily counting syllables or meter.  For that reason you may be married to "fix".

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Decisions, important.

    Post  Pat on Tue Jul 30, 2013 8:24 am

    I read everything below, so I have the advantage.   Looks like it's about life, the game of life.  The decision each of us makes.  Two teams:  goal: good and evil? All of us, ordinary and unknowns.  Just playing our positions, but each has his motive.  But vendors distract us.  Isn't it the truth.   Hard to stay focused and we are always tempted by something.  Little demons.  Hawking and recruiting.   : )   I really like pay and play.  (Reminds me of Faust selling his soul to the devil.  )  I guess we are always watching our team.  It gets my attention when someone fights for belief.  Israelites did this off and on.  And when they did not follow the Coach : ), they wound up in a mess.  Great exchange:  a little hope here.  Does FIX mean resolve here?  If so, I wonder if you could use resolve and drop fix the. I like the last line:   no ending on earth, me thinks, but I like the question.  It involves the reader.  It begins with a question too.  I also wonder if most people understand the meaning of the word church here.  May need a footnote?  However, this is multilayered, so maybe no footnote.  Let the reader take it wherever he wishes.  I admire anyone who writes a sonnet, counts syllables and still makes a point!   And this is multilayered!  Wow!  Two teams on the field---helpful.  Thank you for sharing.

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