Is the picture here? Or any comments

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Is the picture here? Or any comments

Post  dennis20 on Fri Jul 26, 2013 9:32 am

Why I Remembered

 

I remember that day,

the dog had pups,

the car had a flat,

a cat crossed our path.

 

It was a Tuesday,

green tea with breakfast,

sunny, for our morning walk,

hot in the afternoon.

 

Three colors of phlox

fitted into the serrated vase

filled with ice and water,

centered on the table.

 

Tilted corners of hazel eyes

lifted  a quizzical smile

amid the blush

and reddened ears.

 

But in the computer room

on the calendar

marked with a sharpie

birthday was underlined.

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My two cents

Post  tsukany on Fri Jul 26, 2013 10:59 am

Why I Remembered

I remember that day,  (The title feels disconnected from the poem by repetition in this line)
the dog had pups,
the car had a flat,
a cat crossed our path. (this feels like the cause of the effect on the first read through)

It was a Tuesday, ("It was" it not very specific and this is a specific event)
green tea with breakfast,
sunny, for our morning walk,
hot in the afternoon.

Three colors of phlox (Why not offer the three colors?  "show not tell")
fitted into the serrated vase
filled with ice and water,  (Why do the flowers require iced water?)
centered on the table.

Tilted corners of hazel eyes
lifted  a quizzical smile (extra space before "a"?)
amid the blush
and reddened ears.  (I assume this is the real cause for the "remembrance"?)

But in the computer room
on the calendar
marked with a sharpie
birthday was underlined. (Would birthday need a cap or quotes?)

I'm not sure why the reader should remember this day?  Can you invite the reader into the scene a bit more?  Is this about how we grow older and forget things, in spite of clear markers and reminders?
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WHY I REMEMBERED

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Jul 28, 2013 1:55 pm

Dennis... I'd love to see this poem in present tense!  This poem kinda sneaks up on the reader... very specific... like quietly driving tacks/nails, then... POW... there is the house built, complete...   I really liked how the other person is introduced into the sceene... eyes, smile.  Even with the specificy there is a gentleness here... Dewell

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sunk in the harbor

Post  dennis20 on Mon Jul 29, 2013 10:27 am

Todd,  I apologize for sinking in the harbor with this poem.  My intentions were to show how we use many reasons for remembering important dates (birthdays, anniversaries, etc) but when the truth is known it is because there is  a calendar hidden away some where or in my case, my daughter reminds me a couple of weeks before hand.  I thought with the last part about the "marked calendar" it would reveal that the other "reminders" would be exposed as lies. We don't want people to know our personal inabilities.  My wife tells me I assume to much sometimes and that I can't be there to explain to every reader where I am coming from.  I think maybe the part with the eyes and ears and smile may have been more result that reason after looking back on your comments.  They may have directed you in a different direction than I intended.  Thank you for your observations.  BTW, (by the way)  ice in the vase with water will keep cut flowers lush and vibrant much longer.  Dennis

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Why I remembered the birthday?

Post  Pat on Tue Jul 30, 2013 9:10 am

Looks like you remembered the entire day!  But not the birthday.   Do you need stanza 2?  I'm wondering if it adds significantly to the poem.  Garden phlox:  they are beautiful in yards and vases.  I'd like the colors too.  I know about pink and lavender:  that's all.  Next to last stanza:  You didn't say embarrassed;  you showed it.  Nice.  Did you play with the last two stanzas?  Did you reverse them?  I like them reversed. 

It probably would work well in present tense.  There's this element of red ears.   : )   Easy to identify with.  Thank you.  I like the humanness here.  Seems like all is normal and human, then you forget something significant.   Guess it's our pride that makes for the blush, flush, shame that is soooo human.

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