The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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    dennis20
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    Is the picture here? Or any comments

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Jul 26, 2013 9:32 am

    Why I Remembered

     

    I remember that day,

    the dog had pups,

    the car had a flat,

    a cat crossed our path.

     

    It was a Tuesday,

    green tea with breakfast,

    sunny, for our morning walk,

    hot in the afternoon.

     

    Three colors of phlox

    fitted into the serrated vase

    filled with ice and water,

    centered on the table.

     

    Tilted corners of hazel eyes

    lifted  a quizzical smile

    amid the blush

    and reddened ears.

     

    But in the computer room

    on the calendar

    marked with a sharpie

    birthday was underlined.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    My two cents

    Post  tsukany on Fri Jul 26, 2013 10:59 am

    Why I Remembered

    I remember that day,  (The title feels disconnected from the poem by repetition in this line)
    the dog had pups,
    the car had a flat,
    a cat crossed our path. (this feels like the cause of the effect on the first read through)

    It was a Tuesday, ("It was" it not very specific and this is a specific event)
    green tea with breakfast,
    sunny, for our morning walk,
    hot in the afternoon.

    Three colors of phlox (Why not offer the three colors?  "show not tell")
    fitted into the serrated vase
    filled with ice and water,  (Why do the flowers require iced water?)
    centered on the table.

    Tilted corners of hazel eyes
    lifted  a quizzical smile (extra space before "a"?)
    amid the blush
    and reddened ears.  (I assume this is the real cause for the "remembrance"?)

    But in the computer room
    on the calendar
    marked with a sharpie
    birthday was underlined. (Would birthday need a cap or quotes?)

    I'm not sure why the reader should remember this day?  Can you invite the reader into the scene a bit more?  Is this about how we grow older and forget things, in spite of clear markers and reminders?

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    WHY I REMEMBERED

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Jul 28, 2013 1:55 pm

    Dennis... I'd love to see this poem in present tense!  This poem kinda sneaks up on the reader... very specific... like quietly driving tacks/nails, then... POW... there is the house built, complete...   I really liked how the other person is introduced into the sceene... eyes, smile.  Even with the specificy there is a gentleness here... Dewell

    dennis20
    Guest

    sunk in the harbor

    Post  dennis20 on Mon Jul 29, 2013 10:27 am

    Todd,  I apologize for sinking in the harbor with this poem.  My intentions were to show how we use many reasons for remembering important dates (birthdays, anniversaries, etc) but when the truth is known it is because there is  a calendar hidden away some where or in my case, my daughter reminds me a couple of weeks before hand.  I thought with the last part about the "marked calendar" it would reveal that the other "reminders" would be exposed as lies. We don't want people to know our personal inabilities.  My wife tells me I assume to much sometimes and that I can't be there to explain to every reader where I am coming from.  I think maybe the part with the eyes and ears and smile may have been more result that reason after looking back on your comments.  They may have directed you in a different direction than I intended.  Thank you for your observations.  BTW, (by the way)  ice in the vase with water will keep cut flowers lush and vibrant much longer.  Dennis

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Why I remembered the birthday?

    Post  Pat on Tue Jul 30, 2013 9:10 am

    Looks like you remembered the entire day!  But not the birthday.   Do you need stanza 2?  I'm wondering if it adds significantly to the poem.  Garden phlox:  they are beautiful in yards and vases.  I'd like the colors too.  I know about pink and lavender:  that's all.  Next to last stanza:  You didn't say embarrassed;  you showed it.  Nice.  Did you play with the last two stanzas?  Did you reverse them?  I like them reversed. 

    It probably would work well in present tense.  There's this element of red ears.   : )   Easy to identify with.  Thank you.  I like the humanness here.  Seems like all is normal and human, then you forget something significant.   Guess it's our pride that makes for the blush, flush, shame that is soooo human.

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