The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Does this invite the reader into the poem?

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    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Does this invite the reader into the poem?

    Post  tsukany on Wed Aug 28, 2013 1:43 pm


    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Katelyn at the Zoo

    Post  Pat on Thu Aug 29, 2013 8:21 pm

    Love the photo of both of you in your hats!   Great how you used caps in title and lower case all the way through the poem.  Little ones love doing the same thing over and over and over.  You show it.  Impulsive:  I want-your -help, I'll do -it-myself talk.   Makes me smile.  I wondered about  turn around.  What if you put around on the next line, not quite in line with turn?   Playful.  Last 3 lines seem more telling than showing.  I think it's the word Knowing that you may not want.  Also, I'd show her ready for something else.  Maybe her words will show it.   I'd just stay with action, action, action.  Let her do her thing and you record it.  She is delight in motion.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 363
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Does This Invite... -Todd

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Aug 30, 2013 8:37 pm

    I'm right there with you and the ruler-of-the-universe, Todd.  I have lots of experience as the great grandfather of 10 kids... can almost feel the hand clutching, releasing, clutching...nice poem... makes me want to see another stanza like what happens when refueling is needed.   Title leaves me slightly at odds... ZOO and no animals in the poem.
    Also that "...hands off..." line seems rather harsh for the poem's tone.  I like the way you have formatted this poem.  It fits the interest span of the child... Thanks for sharing this moment in time.  Dewell

    dennis20
    Guest

    Invited into the poem

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:57 pm

    Todd, You cheated!  The pic hooked us in before we read the poem.  I would like to hear the patter of little feet.  The smile and stuck out lip might fit in here as well.  Kids act so fast that it is hard to get all those things in the pic, but they are usually there, especially in this age group.  They don't hide their emotions.  I have one who was two in May and she is "miss independent" but the pattering feet are either coming towards me or going away.  I hear that in your poem, too.  See if you can do away with "knowing"  Good poem. D

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