The Last Friday

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    THE GLANCE...Need help w/ S#2

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 363
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    THE GLANCE...Need help w/ S#2

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Aug 28, 2013 4:33 pm

    I'm comfortable with stanza #1 after much cutting.  Stanza #2 still gives me trouble... having difficulty expressing what we saw that was unique... it may be one word that is missing... Stanza #3 seems just right... and the title?  glance or en passant?  HELP!  Dewell


    A GLANCE

    (en passant)



    I going down the stairs

    you going up.

    We paused at the landing,

    looked fully at each other.



    We exchanged slight smiles,

    shared an unguarded glimpse

    of inner worlds.



    You almost touched my shoulder

    I almost brushed your sleeve

    How can we ever forget each other now,

    we who, for a moment, were so intimate?



    -Dewell H. Byrd

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Response to A Glance

    Post  Pat on Thu Aug 29, 2013 9:03 pm

    Dewell, it seems like more than a glance.  What do you call it when two sets of eyes lock in passing?   What comes to me right now is intimacy, stolen moment and unforgettable?  Maybe all, but it seems that both people were participating, so it seems more than a glance to me.  Maybe In Passing would fit better for me.   Why the French words?  I read it in present tense:  it is very present when you do that, so I like it in present.  I had an easy time reading it and understanding it.  First two lines:  I think I'd put a comma after I and you.  "I, going down. . ."  Is fully the same meaning as long?  What are the inner worlds?  Maybe you could give us a clue:  dreams?  fantasies?  thoughts?  hearts?  human to human?  I'm not sure.  The question at the end:  unending?  and there's a lot of guessing? uncertainty.  What if you just say, "Now, how to I let this blushing moment go? or "My mind will make sure I never find an end to the delicious moment."  I know confessional poetry is not your usual style, but hey, it is poetry.  One more thought:  If there is no end to it at the end of the poem, you could begin with, "At the end of the meeting/class/etc, I enter the stairwell. . . ." Looks like no beginning is going to happen here, so I'd play with end/ending.  Lots of thoughts, but not sure if any of this is helpful, but this is all I've got.   : )

    dennis20
    Guest

    Heaven was just a touch away or something like that

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Aug 30, 2013 10:37 pm

    Dewell,  How about saying this,  

    We exchanged slight smiles,
    shared an unguarded glimpse,
    nodded and walked on. 

    let the reader imagine what you saw (inner worlds) instead of telling him.  I think we all have experienced that sort of thing in doorways of buildings as well as elevators and stairways.  And on occasion the mind does wander back to a forbidden thought about a forgotten moment. Dennis
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    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I played with the ending

    Post  tsukany on Sat Aug 31, 2013 9:45 am

    Dewell

    I toyed with leaving the ending or removing it.  If you leave it, you answer the question for the reader.  I chose to leave it open

    A GLANCE
    (en passant)

    You almost touched my shoulder
    I almost brushed your sleeve
    I going down the stairs
    you going up.

    We paused at the landing,
    looked fully at each other,
    exchanged slight smiles,
    shared an unguarded glimpse
    of inner worlds.

    -Dewell H. Byrd

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