The Mop --- need some help

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The Mop --- need some help

Post  Pat on Thu Aug 29, 2013 10:21 pm

with understanding why we eliminate ourselves in our poems.  It's honest.  Is it because confessional is not acceptable?  Linda Pastan, Ted Kooser, Ellen Bass do it in poems that are not merely descriptive.  This poem, The Mop, has pronouns, personal pronouns, but I thought I'd lose the heart of the poem if I did not include myself.  Soooo, here it is.  I'm all ears to whatever you have to say.  I need your help, your input.  Thanks,  Pat


                 The Mop

 

There is no way

to find holiness in a mop,

but maybe whoever fashioned it

will get blessed with glowing fireflies,

a sweet rhythm beyond keeping time,

beyond the swing of hips. 

 

The designer deserves a tickertape parade. 

 

I work with a delicate spine,

and this genius, creator, craftsman

gifts me with a mute servant: 

a flip-flop mop to erase cobwebs,

a rag mop to ease over old pine floors,

a cloth mop to rub-a-dub-dub

forgiving grime inside a tub.

 

Sort of a miracle.

 

When duty days are done,  

I lop off  its floppity moppity head

letting it become a stirring stick to wet

tangled clothes in a washing machine. 

Later on, grandboys make it a burning baton,

swift sword,  limbo pole. All this

before it grows into a walking stick,

happy to help me stay upright

when the road begins to darken,

when fireflies frolic and flash.

Pat

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THE MOP and Pat...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Aug 30, 2013 8:24 pm

Super poem, Pat, and I like the first person approach... this poem is in your style.  I remember the baseball poem.  You may want to reformat those one-liners...maybe title of "The Mop and Me"... and a period at end of second line...love the "hips" line... and the things grands can do with the handle...  change creator to inventor...DELETE last line!  The poem ends there... Thanks for sharing.  Dewell

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Swab the decks

Post  dennis20 on Fri Aug 30, 2013 10:11 pm

Pat,  I think some poems need the personal pronouns in them because the reader grabs that "I" and is sucked into the poem.  He has/is doing that very thing and is amazed that you have said "I" but he knows it is him in the poem.  For tightness you could omit "The designer... and Sort of a miracle" lines.  But that is only to tighten up the poem.  The last line is over kill, lose it.  Good pics for anyone who has used a broom or mop.  Dennis

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Pat...see if this version answers your question about confessional poetry

Post  tsukany on Sat Aug 31, 2013 11:25 am

The Mop

When duty days are done,  
I lop off its floppity, moppity head, 
letting it become a stirring stick to wet 
tangled clothes in a washing machine.  

Later on, grandboys make it a burning baton, 
swift sword, limbo pole. All this 
before it grows into a walking stick, 
happy to help me stay upright 
when the road begins to darken, 
when fireflies frolic and flash.


If you reverse the last two lines, it ends as a dark comment on the journey of life.  If you leave it, the reader gets to decide if it's dark or just fun.
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Re: The Mop --- need some help

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