The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Pretty rough. I am not sure there's enough connecting information

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    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Pretty rough. I am not sure there's enough connecting information

    Post  tsukany on Fri Sep 27, 2013 3:25 pm

    Marriage

    Loose sheaves of earthen tone 
    rest between a tray of watercolor, 
    mixed, swirled, and now chasing 
    sunset amarillo west, off the canvas.  

    To the east verde stands its ground
         beneath the blues 
    azul below the morado
    looking up to the rosado-smeared
    blanco bowl.  Farther east 

    the ivory of the keyboard 
    is shadowed in grays,
    surrounded in ebony.  
    We fill the pages-- 
    an accordion of memories.

    --Sukany 26 Sept 2013

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Marriage

    Post  Don C on Fri Sep 27, 2013 7:23 pm

    I read the poem before I checked the title.  Nice lyrical poem.  After reading the title, it became more lyrical with meaning. I got the connection. 

    I particularly like the 2nd strophe. I would suggest a comma after east in the first line. I felt a little bump, and had to reread it. 

    Great start.
    Don

    dennis20
    Guest

    No fruit in the bowl

    Post  dennis20 on Sun Sep 29, 2013 4:03 pm

    Todd,  I am assuming the words used are colors. I am not Hispanic literate.  They must match up to the black and white of the keys on a piano or in this instance, accordion. I am not sure of the significance of the directions of west, east, and further east.  Does that have something to do with life or memories or color?  All that aside,  since the title is Marriage and the action is accordion, I see the back and forth give and take of that life and I suppose it is caught up in the colors mentioned.  Is that anywhere close to what I am suppose to find in this poem?  In reading the poem, I find using the word chase in the first stanza works better than chasing.  "Loose sheaves... chase sunset..."   In the second stanza I find looks rather than looking goes better with stands.  I may be totally lost here.  Dennis
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    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Question

    Post  tsukany on Sun Sep 29, 2013 8:46 pm

    Dennis...I need much feedback on the construction of the poem before I "finish" it.  

    Do you think removing the present participles "chasing" and "looking" makes personification too strong?  I am trying to describe/narrate rather than personify.  

    Hope you don't mind me pestering you for info.  This is an important poem for me and I need it to work.  

    Thanks...Todd

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Marriage

    Post  Don C on Mon Sep 30, 2013 7:33 am

    Todd, Why not consider adding something to the title to tighten the connection?  Perhaps "Shades of Marriage," Marriage Hues,"  or something similar. My impression is that you are describing the various stages of marriage in colors that in the end are varied as an accordion's motion.  On the other hand, I may have missed your objective.

    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 24
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Thanks Don

    Post  Admin on Mon Sep 30, 2013 7:44 am

    That's the ticket!

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Marriage is ever changing

    Post  Pat on Mon Sep 30, 2013 7:16 pm

    colorful and musical, hard and soft, so I'm thinking you have specific colors to show when it goes east or west, back and forth.  Literally you name the watercolors ( verde for new growth? then maybe desert time?  and the accordion is black and white, but there are winds that blow both directions?  In marriages, it can't stay the same.  Emotions move.  (Not sure where the poem went.  I literally lost it. . . more in a minute.) I like Don's suggestion Hues of Marriage.

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I'm pasting your poem here, so I can continue. . .

    Post  Pat on Mon Sep 30, 2013 7:23 pm

    and have it available:  Pretty rough. I am not sure there's enough connecting information
      tsukany on Fri Sep 27, 2013 3:25 pm


    Marriage

    Loose sheaves of earthen tone 
    rest between a tray of watercolor, 
    mixed, swirled, and now chasing 
    sunset amarillo west, off the canvas.  

    To the east verde stands its ground
         beneath the blues 
    azul below the morado
    looking up to the rosado-smeared
    blanco bowl.  Farther east 

    the ivory of the keyboard 
    is shadowed in grays,
    surrounded in ebony.  
    We fill the pages-- 
    an accordion of memories.

    --Sukany 26 Sept 2013

    I like your saying shadowed in grays.  Gray is the big, big color of life.   We are not Red and Yellow all the time.  And of course, the  WE fills the pages with memories.   Sweet.  Without naming specifics, you were specific.  Wow!   I do like it!    Good job.

    dennis20
    Guest

    Out of town so am slow in response

    Post  dennis20 on Tue Oct 01, 2013 10:49 pm

    Todd,  You may be right in using "chasing" and "looking" in describing.  I didn't read it that way.  I assumed the colors were for personification. I saw the poem as a progression from "mixed, swirled, and chased (chasing) in the first strophe then in the second, more colors relating to events happening in marriage as years pass.  And finally, in the third, the settling of a long marriage where, in looking back, memories of ups and downs (described here as accordion action) are pages or "loose leaves" between the colors.  Hope that helps.  Dennis

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 363
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Connecting Tissue In Marriage

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Oct 04, 2013 2:22 pm

    It took many readings before stanza #2 felt right for me... love the suggested title change to Shades Of Marriage... use of colors and movement held my attention... yes, that constant negotiation, compromise called  marriage.  I would like to see the finished poem.
    Yes, there is enough connections to carry this piece.  Dewell

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