The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Up! Up! My Friend

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Up! Up! My Friend

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Oct 23, 2013 11:43 am

    Struggling to get this poem to hang together... almost there... Paul, my best friend of 60 years, deals with multiple health issues... I appreciate your help.  Dewell


    UP! UP! My Friend

    (for Paul Gierek)





    Wake up, Old Timer…

    The day is slipping by

    while you idle your pillow.



    You mock the sputtering

    winds of memory

    in the mask of your self.



    A tide turns in the trees

    ushering autumn’s

    change of wardrobe.



    Wild wind moans. Where

    has it blown the leaves

    of your past?



    Up! Up! Before

    you become still water

    beneath a sleeping wind.

     

    -Dewell H. Byrd
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    tsukany

    Posts : 600
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I think you have mixed metaphor

    Post  tsukany on Wed Oct 23, 2013 3:15 pm

    Maybe you can make sure that "UP" is illustrated in each line or stanza?  Seems like you are "scolding" your friend.

    UP! UP! My Friend
    (for Paul Gierek)

    Wake up, Old Timer…
    The day is slipping by
    while you idle your pillow.  (idle is a motor word)

    You mock the sputtering  (stuttering is a motor word
    winds of memory (winds is nature)
    in the mask of your self. (I can't identify "mask")

    A tide turns in the trees  (tide is water)
    ushering autumn’s
    change of wardrobe.

    Wild wind moans. Where (back to wind)
    has it blown the leaves 
    of your past?  (maybe a cliche?)

    Up! Up! Before
    you become still water
    beneath a sleeping wind. (I like the ending)

    -Dewell H. Byrd

    dennis20
    Guest

    Wind wind wind is weather

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Oct 25, 2013 10:07 pm

    Dewell,  The part about autumn doesn't fit well for me. You use the weather then throw in a season.  If it had been one weather, one season, one person, one something else then it would be a list of sorts and that would work.  But here is  "winds of memory" "wild wind" and "a sleeping wind,  I think it would have been better served without the autumn picture.  Of course, if you were painting a windy autumn day...  Maybe you could insert that into the autumn scene.  Hope this is a thought that might help.  Dennis

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Re: Up! Up! My Friend

    Post  Don C on Sun Oct 27, 2013 7:49 pm

    Dewell H. Byrd wrote:Struggling to get this poem to hang together... almost there... Paul, my best friend of 60 years, deals with multiple health issues... I appreciate your help.  Dewell


    UP! UP! My Friend

    (for Paul Gierek)





    Wake up, Old Timer…

    The day is slipping by

    while you idle your pillow.



    You mock the sputtering

    winds of memory

    in the mask of your self.


    (Great image)
    A tide turns in the trees

    ushering autumn’s

    change of wardrobe.



    Wild wind moans.

    Where has it blown

    the leaves of your past?
    =============================
    I would suggest that the reader  pause at moans, and form the question 
    =================================
    Up! Up!

    Before you become  still water 

    beneath a sleeping wind.

    IMHO, I would change the line breaks to what is suggested. 

    -Dewell H. Byrd

    Pat

    Posts : 642
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I've read it about five times, Dewell. . . .

    Post  Pat on Mon Oct 28, 2013 10:34 am

    I wonder if you  might just call it:  Up, Up.  Then put my friend in various stanzas.  This is your friend, so I'd playfully try to awaken him to images of wonder and sounds and beauty that you see.  I hear some scolding which produces guilt.  I'm wondering if that is really what you mean to do.  You can't control another person, so it could hurt the relationship you have?  One image definitely to keep is the tide in the trees:  great.  I'd approach it from another angle, that's all..... maybe with the thought that you do not want him to miss something wonderful.  You are a master of imagery:  maybe he will miss the moaning wind, and how can you share that with him if he is asleep or in his bed?  What if you came at it like a boy with a friend?  Up, up, come play with me, see with me, smell with me? (My husband's friend knocked on our door this morning.  He said, "Put your shoes on and come with me.  I have something to show you."  It was a big doe he'd shot.   The point is:  he wanted to share it with my husband, his friend.  So it was, come out, come out.)   That's all I've got, Dewell.  Hope it helps.  As you work on it, feel free to let us know and post a revision.     Pat

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