Is there too much information? I think there's enough "poetic" language/diction. Agree?

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Is there too much information? I think there's enough "poetic" language/diction. Agree?

Post  tsukany on Wed Oct 23, 2013 3:12 pm

Someone Squinted

into the lens,
focused, 

then squeezed
the shutter release, 

snapping the photo 
of a cocked fist, forever

behind the hand that held 
the throat of the boxer, 

that was later buried
tail first, in black dirt, 

up to his collar,
alive.

--Sukany 22 Oct 2013
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 534
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

plenty for a picture

Post  dennis20 on Fri Oct 25, 2013 9:43 pm

Todd,  I have trouble justifying the word forever in the picture.  It seems that word wants to tell me rather than show me. It tells me something that isn't there.  It seems to force time on me.  Pictures are either something we remember forever or not.  We aren't told they are forever, they just happen like that.   I like the picture better without forever in it.  Dennis

dennis20
Guest


Back to top Go down

Dennis

Post  tsukany on Fri Oct 25, 2013 9:52 pm

Is it clearer if I drop the comma in that line?

snapping the photo 
of a cocked fist forever

behind the hand that held 
the throat of the boxer,
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 534
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Is there too much information? I think there's enough "poetic" language/diction. Agree?

Post  Don C on Sun Oct 27, 2013 8:45 pm

tsukany wrote:Someone Squinted

into the lens,
focused, 

then squeezed
the shutter release, 

snapping the photo 
of a cocked fist, forever

You snapped the photo of a cocked fist that is forever behind the hand---

behind the hand that held 
the throat of the boxer, 

I think the comma should be removed after boxer

that was later buried
tail first, in black dirt, 

up to his collar,
alive.

I assume the dog's head is above the ground. He is still alive. What is the point of the hand holding the throat?  The picture that I see is the man carrying the dog by the throat to the hole in which he is buried. The hole had to be dug before the picture was taken. I don't think there is enough information to connect the dots. It is confusing to me.




--Sukany 22 Oct 2013

Don C

Posts : 42
Join date : 2013-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Now this is sad if this is a true happening.

Post  Pat on Sun Oct 27, 2013 11:01 pm

Todd, this is what I get:  Some one (directly in front of the man/woman with the fist and dog) snaps a photo of the person holding the dog by the throat with one hand and ready to hit the dog with the fist of his other hand.  When we take photos, I think they are captured or forever like that in the photo.  Someone wanted witness of this?  Proof? Proud of doing this? Shocking thoughts.  I would probably misread it if you did not have the comma before forever.  I don't think you need that was at all.  The hole for the dog:  sounds like delta soil.  If the hole is already there, then this is a planned, premeditated thing.  So the boxer dog was buried tail down, hind feet first, head up in black soil.  Horrific punishment?  Prank? Sounds abusive to me. Sad. And they were not killing the dog;  he was alive. .  . shocking if true.

Pat

Posts : 564
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Pat

Post  tsukany on Mon Oct 28, 2013 7:02 am

Horror is the tone I hoped to create...and outrage.  Both parties are indicted since the dog appeared the victim.  Gotta love facebook Thanks
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 534
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

After the shock and horror wears off

Post  Pat on Mon Oct 28, 2013 10:16 am

then I get angry.  (just grief process)  Still in shock here.

Pat

Posts : 564
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

I am sorry

Post  tsukany on Mon Oct 28, 2013 10:19 am

This is a poem that I can't share with my wife.  She doesn't believe in guns...but for these jokers, she might make an exception.  Smile
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 534
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

I understand. . . .

Post  Pat on Mon Oct 28, 2013 10:52 am

I'd make an exception too. . . .  the abuser is the toxic creature.

Pat

Posts : 564
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

The Boxer In The Photo, etc

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Oct 30, 2013 11:42 am

Yeah!  I get terribly angry reading this poem.  Even if it never happened, it is real to me.  Like the Boy Scout Leaders defacing the rocks in the Canyon Lands National Park... I would not change a thing about the origional poem.  Well, maybe leave out "forever" since it freeze-frames the action momentarily.  Fine poem.  Dewell

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 321
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 86
Location : Central Point, OR

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Is there too much information? I think there's enough "poetic" language/diction. Agree?

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum