The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Is there too much information? I think there's enough "poetic" language/diction. Agree?

    Share
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 585
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Is there too much information? I think there's enough "poetic" language/diction. Agree?

    Post  tsukany on Wed Oct 23, 2013 3:12 pm

    Someone Squinted

    into the lens,
    focused, 

    then squeezed
    the shutter release, 

    snapping the photo 
    of a cocked fist, forever

    behind the hand that held 
    the throat of the boxer, 

    that was later buried
    tail first, in black dirt, 

    up to his collar,
    alive.

    --Sukany 22 Oct 2013

    dennis20
    Guest

    plenty for a picture

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Oct 25, 2013 9:43 pm

    Todd,  I have trouble justifying the word forever in the picture.  It seems that word wants to tell me rather than show me. It tells me something that isn't there.  It seems to force time on me.  Pictures are either something we remember forever or not.  We aren't told they are forever, they just happen like that.   I like the picture better without forever in it.  Dennis
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 585
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Dennis

    Post  tsukany on Fri Oct 25, 2013 9:52 pm

    Is it clearer if I drop the comma in that line?

    snapping the photo 
    of a cocked fist forever

    behind the hand that held 
    the throat of the boxer,

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Re: Is there too much information? I think there's enough "poetic" language/diction. Agree?

    Post  Don C on Sun Oct 27, 2013 8:45 pm

    tsukany wrote:Someone Squinted

    into the lens,
    focused, 

    then squeezed
    the shutter release, 

    snapping the photo 
    of a cocked fist, forever

    You snapped the photo of a cocked fist that is forever behind the hand---

    behind the hand that held 
    the throat of the boxer, 

    I think the comma should be removed after boxer

    that was later buried
    tail first, in black dirt, 

    up to his collar,
    alive.

    I assume the dog's head is above the ground. He is still alive. What is the point of the hand holding the throat?  The picture that I see is the man carrying the dog by the throat to the hole in which he is buried. The hole had to be dug before the picture was taken. I don't think there is enough information to connect the dots. It is confusing to me.




    --Sukany 22 Oct 2013

    Pat

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Now this is sad if this is a true happening.

    Post  Pat on Sun Oct 27, 2013 11:01 pm

    Todd, this is what I get:  Some one (directly in front of the man/woman with the fist and dog) snaps a photo of the person holding the dog by the throat with one hand and ready to hit the dog with the fist of his other hand.  When we take photos, I think they are captured or forever like that in the photo.  Someone wanted witness of this?  Proof? Proud of doing this? Shocking thoughts.  I would probably misread it if you did not have the comma before forever.  I don't think you need that was at all.  The hole for the dog:  sounds like delta soil.  If the hole is already there, then this is a planned, premeditated thing.  So the boxer dog was buried tail down, hind feet first, head up in black soil.  Horrific punishment?  Prank? Sounds abusive to me. Sad. And they were not killing the dog;  he was alive. .  . shocking if true.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 585
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Pat

    Post  tsukany on Mon Oct 28, 2013 7:02 am

    Horror is the tone I hoped to create...and outrage.  Both parties are indicted since the dog appeared the victim.  Gotta love facebook Thanks

    Pat

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    After the shock and horror wears off

    Post  Pat on Mon Oct 28, 2013 10:16 am

    then I get angry.  (just grief process)  Still in shock here.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 585
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I am sorry

    Post  tsukany on Mon Oct 28, 2013 10:19 am

    This is a poem that I can't share with my wife.  She doesn't believe in guns...but for these jokers, she might make an exception.  Smile

    Pat

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I understand. . . .

    Post  Pat on Mon Oct 28, 2013 10:52 am

    I'd make an exception too. . . .  the abuser is the toxic creature.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 351
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    The Boxer In The Photo, etc

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Oct 30, 2013 11:42 am

    Yeah!  I get terribly angry reading this poem.  Even if it never happened, it is real to me.  Like the Boy Scout Leaders defacing the rocks in the Canyon Lands National Park... I would not change a thing about the origional poem.  Well, maybe leave out "forever" since it freeze-frames the action momentarily.  Fine poem.  Dewell

    Sponsored content

    Re: Is there too much information? I think there's enough "poetic" language/diction. Agree?

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Mon May 21, 2018 11:57 am