The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Can you see the picture?

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    dennis20
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    Can you see the picture?

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Oct 25, 2013 9:13 pm

    An Out Patient

    Beneath a layer of conducting gel
    in a private bubble lies a world
    viewed by prying eyes
    with the aid of an imaging machine.
     
    Inside, two drums: the loudest thrums
    a constant rhythm, the second
    triphammers like child feet
    keeping pace with a mother’s stride.
     
    To those prying eyes a perfect form
    emerges as head, feet, and hands—
    hands with the tiniest fingers.
    The size to wrap around the pinky
    of a peacock-proud grandparent.
     
    But on the inside where eyes are closed,
    an ear presses against a navel, listening
    to another world—one awaiting an arrival.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 609
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Nice image

    Post  tsukany on Sat Oct 26, 2013 7:41 am

    Dennis

    I like the image and congratulations.  Smile  

    I think your strongest lines are those about the "title."  I know that the "grandparents" want into the poem, but I think they are more of a distraction.  I think the power is in the ending.  

    A revision strategy might be to have two distinct stanzas:  child and grandparents.  Then see if the final stanza can refer to both, syntactically.

    I like the poem's strength...  Todd

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Re: Can you see the picture?

    Post  Don C on Sun Oct 27, 2013 2:17 pm

    Looks good.  I think I would change some line breaks.  Otherwise, nce poem.

    Don

    dennis20
    Guest

    Taking out the grandparents

    Post  dennis20 on Sun Oct 27, 2013 3:02 pm

    Todd and Don,  I can see the grandparents stealing the scene here.  It would be better focused without them in the picture, I know.  (but you know us grandparents).  Line breaks--I tried to keep the syllables under ten and I did notice triphammers, but it would have made that line a little longer than I wanted.  Thanks Dennis

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I see two worlds

    Post  Pat on Mon Oct 28, 2013 10:45 am

    the womby world and the imaging center world.  Nice poem.  I agree on dropping the grandparents in the poem.  : )   Nice poetics.
    The title covers both worlds.  Good job.   Congratulations on your wins on Poetry Day!   Hooray!

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 367
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Can You See The Picture?

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Oct 30, 2013 11:55 am

    Yes, I can see the pictures and I would opt for two poems with the Super-Grand Parents a separate, shorter poem like a backstory to the main event.  Maybe less attention to form and more on linebreaks would POWER this gentle poem.  Think about it.  I like the sounds.  Are there some unique odors in this room, too?  (Congrats to Dennis & to Pat.) Dewell

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