The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.

    Can you see the picture?



    Can you see the picture?

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Oct 25, 2013 9:13 pm

    An Out Patient

    Beneath a layer of conducting gel
    in a private bubble lies a world
    viewed by prying eyes
    with the aid of an imaging machine.
    Inside, two drums: the loudest thrums
    a constant rhythm, the second
    triphammers like child feet
    keeping pace with a mother’s stride.
    To those prying eyes a perfect form
    emerges as head, feet, and hands—
    hands with the tiniest fingers.
    The size to wrap around the pinky
    of a peacock-proud grandparent.
    But on the inside where eyes are closed,
    an ear presses against a navel, listening
    to another world—one awaiting an arrival.

    Posts : 625
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Nice image

    Post  tsukany on Sat Oct 26, 2013 7:41 am


    I like the image and congratulations.  Smile  

    I think your strongest lines are those about the "title."  I know that the "grandparents" want into the poem, but I think they are more of a distraction.  I think the power is in the ending.  

    A revision strategy might be to have two distinct stanzas:  child and grandparents.  Then see if the final stanza can refer to both, syntactically.

    I like the poem's strength...  Todd

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Re: Can you see the picture?

    Post  Don C on Sun Oct 27, 2013 2:17 pm

    Looks good.  I think I would change some line breaks.  Otherwise, nce poem.



    Taking out the grandparents

    Post  dennis20 on Sun Oct 27, 2013 3:02 pm

    Todd and Don,  I can see the grandparents stealing the scene here.  It would be better focused without them in the picture, I know.  (but you know us grandparents).  Line breaks--I tried to keep the syllables under ten and I did notice triphammers, but it would have made that line a little longer than I wanted.  Thanks Dennis


    Posts : 681
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I see two worlds

    Post  Pat on Mon Oct 28, 2013 10:45 am

    the womby world and the imaging center world.  Nice poem.  I agree on dropping the grandparents in the poem.  : )   Nice poetics.
    The title covers both worlds.  Good job.   Congratulations on your wins on Poetry Day!   Hooray!

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 378
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 88
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Can You See The Picture?

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Oct 30, 2013 11:55 am

    Yes, I can see the pictures and I would opt for two poems with the Super-Grand Parents a separate, shorter poem like a backstory to the main event.  Maybe less attention to form and more on linebreaks would POWER this gentle poem.  Think about it.  I like the sounds.  Are there some unique odors in this room, too?  (Congrats to Dennis & to Pat.) Dewell

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    Re: Can you see the picture?

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