Can you see the picture?

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Can you see the picture?

Post  dennis20 on Fri Oct 25, 2013 9:13 pm

An Out Patient

Beneath a layer of conducting gel
in a private bubble lies a world
viewed by prying eyes
with the aid of an imaging machine.
 
Inside, two drums: the loudest thrums
a constant rhythm, the second
triphammers like child feet
keeping pace with a mother’s stride.
 
To those prying eyes a perfect form
emerges as head, feet, and hands—
hands with the tiniest fingers.
The size to wrap around the pinky
of a peacock-proud grandparent.
 
But on the inside where eyes are closed,
an ear presses against a navel, listening
to another world—one awaiting an arrival.

dennis20
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Nice image

Post  tsukany on Sat Oct 26, 2013 7:41 am

Dennis

I like the image and congratulations.  Smile  

I think your strongest lines are those about the "title."  I know that the "grandparents" want into the poem, but I think they are more of a distraction.  I think the power is in the ending.  

A revision strategy might be to have two distinct stanzas:  child and grandparents.  Then see if the final stanza can refer to both, syntactically.

I like the poem's strength...  Todd
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Re: Can you see the picture?

Post  Don C on Sun Oct 27, 2013 2:17 pm

Looks good.  I think I would change some line breaks.  Otherwise, nce poem.

Don

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Taking out the grandparents

Post  dennis20 on Sun Oct 27, 2013 3:02 pm

Todd and Don,  I can see the grandparents stealing the scene here.  It would be better focused without them in the picture, I know.  (but you know us grandparents).  Line breaks--I tried to keep the syllables under ten and I did notice triphammers, but it would have made that line a little longer than I wanted.  Thanks Dennis

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I see two worlds

Post  Pat on Mon Oct 28, 2013 10:45 am

the womby world and the imaging center world.  Nice poem.  I agree on dropping the grandparents in the poem.  : )   Nice poetics.
The title covers both worlds.  Good job.   Congratulations on your wins on Poetry Day!   Hooray!

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Can You See The Picture?

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Oct 30, 2013 11:55 am

Yes, I can see the pictures and I would opt for two poems with the Super-Grand Parents a separate, shorter poem like a backstory to the main event.  Maybe less attention to form and more on linebreaks would POWER this gentle poem.  Think about it.  I like the sounds.  Are there some unique odors in this room, too?  (Congrats to Dennis & to Pat.) Dewell

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Re: Can you see the picture?

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