Trying to lay a scene before you. . .

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Trying to lay a scene before you. . .

Post  Pat on Sun Oct 27, 2013 5:33 pm

            In My Neighbor’s Yard

 

All day at home alone under cloud cover.

  From a window, I watch

two deer dancing on back legs as they feed

  with upstretched necks on Granny Smiths.

Because of a mute darkness in me, I am

  drawn toward a brooding cloud hunching over

the leafy maple floating between the apple trees

  and me. Soon, a fawn and doe walk up

the narrow path from the river and pause

  until someone in the distance drops

a galvanized pail hinged to chance,

  breaking the frail spell, urging sixteen

delicate legs to scatter together

  toward the steep green woods. 

Pat

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Pat

Post  Don C on Sun Oct 27, 2013 7:37 pm

Looks like a great first draft. Just a little cleaning, and you have accomplished the task.

don

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Here are a couple things to examine and REJECT :)

Post  tsukany on Tue Oct 29, 2013 8:20 am

I would revise to add the tone you want to offer to the reader of these two poems.

Poem One

All day at home 
alone under cloud cover.
From a window, I watch 
and because of a mute darkness in me, 
I am drawn toward a brooding cloud hunching over 
the leafy maple floating 
between the apple trees and me. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

In My Neighbor’s Yard

two deer dancing on back legs 
feed with upstretched necks on Granny Smiths. 

Soon, a fawn and doe walk up 
the narrow path from the river

pause 

until someone in the distance drops 
a galvanized pail, breaking the frail spell,

sending sixteen delicate legs to scatter
together toward the steep, green woods.
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What a big thought:

Post  Pat on Tue Oct 29, 2013 8:48 am

to break it into two short poems.  Shocked   I especially like what you did with format.  Thank you.  Very helpful to get other people's eyes on my words.  I am stunned initially, then grateful. Thank you!    Pat

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Trying To Lay A Sc...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Oct 30, 2013 11:25 am

Pat,  I,too, saw two poems mostly because you didnot develop the MOOD described early on in this poem.  Deer, apples, river, startle all come later in the piece.  I especially like your sceene of stretched necks also sixteen legs.  I think I would use Todd's two poem approach but I would put them on the same page.  They seem to carry me one into the other.  Dewell

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