The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Trying to lay a scene before you. . .

    Share

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Trying to lay a scene before you. . .

    Post  Pat on Sun Oct 27, 2013 5:33 pm

                In My Neighbor’s Yard

     

    All day at home alone under cloud cover.

      From a window, I watch

    two deer dancing on back legs as they feed

      with upstretched necks on Granny Smiths.

    Because of a mute darkness in me, I am

      drawn toward a brooding cloud hunching over

    the leafy maple floating between the apple trees

      and me. Soon, a fawn and doe walk up

    the narrow path from the river and pause

      until someone in the distance drops

    a galvanized pail hinged to chance,

      breaking the frail spell, urging sixteen

    delicate legs to scatter together

      toward the steep green woods. 

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Pat

    Post  Don C on Sun Oct 27, 2013 7:37 pm

    Looks like a great first draft. Just a little cleaning, and you have accomplished the task.

    don
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Here are a couple things to examine and REJECT :)

    Post  tsukany on Tue Oct 29, 2013 8:20 am

    I would revise to add the tone you want to offer to the reader of these two poems.

    Poem One

    All day at home 
    alone under cloud cover.
    From a window, I watch 
    and because of a mute darkness in me, 
    I am drawn toward a brooding cloud hunching over 
    the leafy maple floating 
    between the apple trees and me. 

    ~~~~~~~~~~~

    In My Neighbor’s Yard

    two deer dancing on back legs 
    feed with upstretched necks on Granny Smiths. 

    Soon, a fawn and doe walk up 
    the narrow path from the river

    pause 

    until someone in the distance drops 
    a galvanized pail, breaking the frail spell,

    sending sixteen delicate legs to scatter
    together toward the steep, green woods.

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    What a big thought:

    Post  Pat on Tue Oct 29, 2013 8:48 am

    to break it into two short poems.  Shocked   I especially like what you did with format.  Thank you.  Very helpful to get other people's eyes on my words.  I am stunned initially, then grateful. Thank you!    Pat

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 374
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Trying To Lay A Sc...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Oct 30, 2013 11:25 am

    Pat,  I,too, saw two poems mostly because you didnot develop the MOOD described early on in this poem.  Deer, apples, river, startle all come later in the piece.  I especially like your sceene of stretched necks also sixteen legs.  I think I would use Todd's two poem approach but I would put them on the same page.  They seem to carry me one into the other.  Dewell

    Sponsored content

    Re: Trying to lay a scene before you. . .

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Wed Dec 12, 2018 11:49 pm