The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Shortie . . . 'cept for meaning

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    tsukany

    Posts : 600
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Shortie . . . 'cept for meaning

    Post  tsukany on Tue Nov 26, 2013 9:48 am

    ‘tina Infusion


    Maté* is exceptionally bitter today.
    I fill the crock several times,
    try to get past that biting point.
    No dilution is helping.


    --Sukany 20 Nov 2013

    *Maté is a traditional South American caffeine-rich infused drink.

    dennis20
    Guest

    What is with you and Don?

    Post  dennis20 on Tue Nov 26, 2013 2:17 pm

    Todd,  It is hard to take away from bare bones when words are not minced!  I would suggest saying "dilution is not helping" rather than "No dilution..." It seems to go with the positive lean of the poem.  And, BTW, I do see the dual meaning of Mate (Matey) and the possibilities of bitter carrying a weight of relationship.  How often we try to dilute situations, but sometimes to no avail.   Good 'short with bigger meaning poem.'  Dennis
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    tsukany

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    Good Call Dennis

    Post  tsukany on Tue Nov 26, 2013 5:45 pm

    I really like your suggestion about making the delusion/dilution line more clear.  Thanks and good EYE.

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Todd

    Post  Don C on Thu Nov 28, 2013 4:00 pm

    Looks good.  I think Dennis caught the only flaw.

    Don

    Pat

    Posts : 642
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Todd, I totally stopped

    Post  Pat on Thu Nov 28, 2013 9:37 pm

    when I read the last line. . . . and thought, What???  Maybe it is the way it is being said.   Something stops me cold.  These guys probably are reading it right.  I am lost on the title. 

    I substituted the word Life.   Life is bitter today.  No matter what I am doing.  It is still bitter.  Went to the well several times.  Not any better.  ??????????????????????  : ) 

    What is 'tina infusion???? 

    There's my reaction. . . . that's all I've got.

    Oh, and thanks for the info on accessories/wordpad.  I had no idea I had it.
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    tsukany

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    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Thanks Pat

    Post  tsukany on Fri Nov 29, 2013 6:59 am

    I wondered about that title.  I wanted to shorten "Argentina" to hint to the relationship symbolized by the social drink shared alone.

    Pat

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    I would "get it" if you

    Post  Pat on Fri Nov 29, 2013 7:21 am

    said Argentina.  Nothing wrong with that word.  I am not worldly enough to get 'tina.  I almost thought it was a girl.  But the poem was not about a girl.
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    tsukany

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    Pat

    Post  tsukany on Fri Nov 29, 2013 8:26 am

    I avoided "Argentina" as a title because I feared that the reader would NOT include a girl in the poem.

    Pat

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    Join date : 2011-09-12

    So, is it about getting over

    Post  Pat on Fri Nov 29, 2013 11:34 am

    a girl?  bitter taste. . . . no way to dilute it.  Hmmmm.
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    tsukany

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    Other hints

    Post  tsukany on Fri Nov 29, 2013 11:57 am

    Crock (as in "that's a crock of hooey")
    biting point (the argument)

    Now...whether my intent is "read" THAT is why we post things to this forum  Smile

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Todd's Crock At Starbucks

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Nov 29, 2013 1:06 pm

    LOST!  COMPLETELY LOST!  Until I read reaction of others.  Now I see multiple meanings.  I think it is too tight, too much economy of words.  Now it makes sense but I would not have gotten there without help.  I would have puzzled a while then passed on by this poem.  One simple pronoun might have steared me to the meaning.  Sorry I can't be of more help on this one.  Dewell

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