The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    DECEMBER BLUES needs help...

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 367
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    DECEMBER BLUES needs help...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Tue Nov 26, 2013 11:24 am

    Word on the street says delete wife, shower stuff and stick with blues, birds, kids.  What do you think?  Any other suggestions?  Dewell


    DECEMBER BLUES



    Don’t the kids know its dreary December?

    Why haven’t they called?

    Starlings have returned in mass

    shuttering the light

    weighing the phone lines

    voices tangled in their claws.



    Why haven’t the kids called?

    Wife’s in the shower

    and I want to step inside with her

    soap her up like we did in college when

    she said, “I won’t remove my underwear.”



    She’s gotten funny in our December.

    Won’t let me see her shave her legs,

    wash anything, pluck things.

    Like I might become furniture

    if I see her apply lotion, naked.

    A five minute phone call would help.



    I get texts, wiggles, jiggles

    and emails but the voices…

    Ah, the voices that drove me bananas

    when they were three year old rug-rats…

    Maybe those starlings are choking off my calls.



    December is running its fingers up my spine.



    -Dewell H. Byrd

    dennis20
    Guest

    Too much info in this one

    Post  dennis20 on Tue Nov 26, 2013 2:04 pm

    Dewell,  I think they are  right.    The personal may be more unique than you need in the poem. I think it distracts from the theme. I like how you bring in the telephone conversation with each new thought. I like the "starlings are choking off my calls."  I think that would make a good last line.  Why not stop there?
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    tsukany

    Posts : 609
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I'm not convinced I've helped (Two poems again)

    Post  tsukany on Tue Nov 26, 2013 4:00 pm

    DECEMBER BLUES

    Wife’s in the shower
    and I want to step inside
    soap up like we did in college
    when she says, “I won’t remove my underwear.”  (Does the present tense help confuse if the time is now or then?  I want it too.)

    She’s gotten funny in our December,
    won’t let me see her shave her legs,
    wash anything, pluck things,
    Like I might become furniture
    if I see her apply lotion, naked.


    AND THE KIDS DON'T CALL

    I get texts, wiggles, jiggles
    and emails . . . but the voices
    ah, the voices that drove me bananas
    when they were three-year-old rug-rats.

    Starlings have returned in mass,
    shuttering the light,
    weighing the phone lines,
    voices tangled in their claws.

    -Dewell H. Byrd

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    DEwell

    Post  Don C on Thu Nov 28, 2013 4:09 pm

    I like it as one or two poems. Waiting for the kids to call in your December is a good image.

    On the other hand, the two poems tighten the time and scene.  I did notice in the first line you should have used it's rather than its.  Nice work.

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Dewell, the word on the street

    Post  Pat on Thu Nov 28, 2013 9:22 pm

    might be right.  I'd stick to stanza 1, line 1 of stanza 2, and the last two lines.  Readers can identify with waiting for a call. . .  also like the repetition and poetics in it.  After you nail that down, I'd relook at what's left.   Maybe it is another poem or maybe not.  Stanzas 2 and 3 have a lot of telling in them.  Stanza 1 is showing. . . .

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 367
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    DECEMBER BLUES

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Nov 29, 2013 1:31 pm

    Thanks, Guys.  Your suggestions are very helpful.  I'm going to stay with kids, calls, birds, blues and leave spouse-in-the-shower for a JUNE poem.  Dewell

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