DECEMBER BLUES needs help...

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DECEMBER BLUES needs help...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Tue Nov 26, 2013 11:24 am

Word on the street says delete wife, shower stuff and stick with blues, birds, kids.  What do you think?  Any other suggestions?  Dewell


DECEMBER BLUES



Don’t the kids know its dreary December?

Why haven’t they called?

Starlings have returned in mass

shuttering the light

weighing the phone lines

voices tangled in their claws.



Why haven’t the kids called?

Wife’s in the shower

and I want to step inside with her

soap her up like we did in college when

she said, “I won’t remove my underwear.”



She’s gotten funny in our December.

Won’t let me see her shave her legs,

wash anything, pluck things.

Like I might become furniture

if I see her apply lotion, naked.

A five minute phone call would help.



I get texts, wiggles, jiggles

and emails but the voices…

Ah, the voices that drove me bananas

when they were three year old rug-rats…

Maybe those starlings are choking off my calls.



December is running its fingers up my spine.



-Dewell H. Byrd

Dewell H. Byrd

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Too much info in this one

Post  dennis20 on Tue Nov 26, 2013 2:04 pm

Dewell,  I think they are  right.    The personal may be more unique than you need in the poem. I think it distracts from the theme. I like how you bring in the telephone conversation with each new thought. I like the "starlings are choking off my calls."  I think that would make a good last line.  Why not stop there?

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I'm not convinced I've helped (Two poems again)

Post  tsukany on Tue Nov 26, 2013 4:00 pm

DECEMBER BLUES

Wife’s in the shower
and I want to step inside
soap up like we did in college
when she says, “I won’t remove my underwear.”  (Does the present tense help confuse if the time is now or then?  I want it too.)

She’s gotten funny in our December,
won’t let me see her shave her legs,
wash anything, pluck things,
Like I might become furniture
if I see her apply lotion, naked.


AND THE KIDS DON'T CALL

I get texts, wiggles, jiggles
and emails . . . but the voices
ah, the voices that drove me bananas
when they were three-year-old rug-rats.

Starlings have returned in mass,
shuttering the light,
weighing the phone lines,
voices tangled in their claws.

-Dewell H. Byrd
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tsukany

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DEwell

Post  Don C on Thu Nov 28, 2013 4:09 pm

I like it as one or two poems. Waiting for the kids to call in your December is a good image.

On the other hand, the two poems tighten the time and scene.  I did notice in the first line you should have used it's rather than its.  Nice work.

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Dewell, the word on the street

Post  Pat on Thu Nov 28, 2013 9:22 pm

might be right.  I'd stick to stanza 1, line 1 of stanza 2, and the last two lines.  Readers can identify with waiting for a call. . .  also like the repetition and poetics in it.  After you nail that down, I'd relook at what's left.   Maybe it is another poem or maybe not.  Stanzas 2 and 3 have a lot of telling in them.  Stanza 1 is showing. . . .

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DECEMBER BLUES

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Nov 29, 2013 1:31 pm

Thanks, Guys.  Your suggestions are very helpful.  I'm going to stay with kids, calls, birds, blues and leave spouse-in-the-shower for a JUNE poem.  Dewell

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