Am I overdoing it with detail?

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Am I overdoing it with detail?

Post  dennis20 on Tue Nov 26, 2013 1:55 pm

December

Barren trees blanketed
in shawls of white.
Power lines swag
under icy limbs.
 
Windows brightened
by whitened hedgerow.
Fireplace snuggled
against amber embers.
 
Two buckets of snow
melt on the hearth
in candlelight’s
rhythmic flicker.
 
“Black Queen.”
And his eyes raise
to the voice
near the window
 
where her silhouette
takes him back
forty years.   Electricity,
flashing, shadows,
 
fade in the din
of melt dripping
from the eaves.
Fingers fumble for a card.

dennis20
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What about?

Post  tsukany on Tue Nov 26, 2013 3:49 pm

Dennis,

I think you have two poems.  I wonder if the poem's title is "Black Queen" and the rest of the poem follows in the order you've written it (maybe the very last line rests on its own?).  I really like the "Black Queen" poem.  I like it more after ever reading.

Then you can add a tone word after "December" (e.g. December Waiting/Anticipation...use the following three stanzas as written; use present tense verbs) and you'd have two poems . . . both of which I like better than their combination. Smile
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Trying for two poems

Post  dennis20 on Tue Nov 26, 2013 8:42 pm

Thanks Todd.  I tweaked them just a little.  What do you think?



December in the Wings

Barren bowing trees  
in shawls of white.
Power lines sag 
under icy limbs.
 
Windows bright
in light of hedgerow.
Fireplace sparks
 with amber embers.
 
Two buckets of snow
melt on the hearth
in candlelight’s
rhythmic flicker.






Black Queen


“Black Queen.”
And his eyes raise
to the voice 
near the window
 
where her silhouette
takes him back
forty years.   Electricity
flashing.  Shadows
 
fade in the din
of melt dripping
from the eaves.

Fingers fumble for a card.

dennis20
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BLACK QUEEN... 2nd version

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Nov 28, 2013 1:00 pm

Dennis, I think you have it in this second version.  Two poems.  There is a touch of elusivness in both poems.  Maybe rethink the electricity sentence in BLACK QUEEN.  I had some difficulty with that... what does it mean?...  Also, why are we melting snow in two buckets on the hearth?    I especially like the defined space in both poems.  Dewell

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Can we defend a line or word?

Post  tsukany on Thu Nov 28, 2013 3:26 pm

Dewell

I like Electricity because of the dual reference to literal power and figurative relationship.  My two cents...  Smile
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Dennis

Post  Don C on Thu Nov 28, 2013 3:50 pm

I agree with Dewell.  There must be a better wrd than electricity flashing.  Are we dealing with fallen wires? How is electricity flashing without fallen wires?

Two nice poems.

Don

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Looks like I'm last to look at it. . .

Post  Pat on Thu Nov 28, 2013 9:57 pm

and you have redone it, so I'm only looking at the edited work. 

December in the Wings:  I'd drop Barren because they have shawls. . . .  I see the aftermath of a winter storm.  Buckets of snow will be water for flushing toilet?  heated for bathing?  That's what we do in ice storms:  we bring snow and ice into the bathtub and use it for everything except drinking and cooking. . . . 
May want to make the 3rd line parallel the 1st one:  sagging power lines;  images good and clear

Black Queen:  Electricity does not fit for me:   how about Lights?  I understand the double meaning.  Just not poetic to me.  I love the last line.   : )  Nice work.

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Dennis, instead of electricity

Post  Pat on Thu Nov 28, 2013 10:32 pm

maybe flashes?

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Electricity flashing

Post  dennis20 on Sat Nov 30, 2013 2:16 pm

Thanks to one and all for the feedback.  Especially for the nudge toward two poems.  Electricity flashing referred to forty years ago when the "help" might not have been rec'd as calmly.  (temper--electricity flashing)  and the need for power now in the somewhat dark room.  Without power in the house we need the melting snow for water for 'most things.  I've noticed when the electricity is off we are most prone to either try to turn the lights on or the water.  Funny how that works.

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Dennis

Post  tsukany on Sat Nov 30, 2013 5:56 pm

I see positive energy in this poem.  The persona remembers his bride forty years ago when the electricity/relationship was hot.  He gets flustered again as his memory takes him back.  Thanks for the fun.
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And what a nice surprise. . . .

Post  Pat on Sat Nov 30, 2013 6:13 pm

you now have two poems instead of one.   Good titles too.  May want it to rest a day or two, but I think you have two good poems here.  : )

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Re: Am I overdoing it with detail?

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