The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Sept Poem "Looking Up" I am experimenting with line length in this one. I have been inspied by John Leax of late, with his short lines.

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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Sept Poem "Looking Up" I am experimenting with line length in this one. I have been inspied by John Leax of late, with his short lines.

    Post  tsukany on Thu Sep 29, 2011 7:10 am

    Looking Up

    I pass
    Plaster football
    stadium.
    College--
    full of life
    and lipsticks,
    better promises
    ...a crossing over.

    The car
    rolls down
    a lane
    pregnant
    with the white
    belly
    of a squirrel,
    face up,
    hand extended
    over the head
    like a wave offering
    of praise.

    At church
    several saints,
    like squirrels,
    shake
    on the floor,
    dying once
    again.

    --Sukany 11 Sept 2011

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Looking Up

    Post  Pat on Sat Oct 01, 2011 11:30 am

    I'm good with short lines. Also like the present tense for this poem.

    Stanza 1: assumed you were driving? wondered about the word "life". I'd break it down: breathing, backpacks, etc. Something that shows college life. Lipsticks, I like. Don't know that you need better. How about just promises. . . .?

    Stanza 2: clearly in a different locale. Does pregnant mean "loaded" here? Overwhelmed by a dead squirrel, belly-side up? Am I understanding this right? Hand or Paw? What does the squirrel have? I don't have a clue. But the image is clear. I see the connection with promise and wave offereing. Hmmmm. In fact, good image.

    Stanza 3: okay, now we are at church with the living saints. I don't know that I need: like squirrels. The reader may not need that to make the connection since it's in the previous stanza? You know how you offered hope in the first two stanzas, well, you could do that here too: like something about reborn, rebirth. Just a thought. . . . if that's what you had in mind: dying to be reborn again.

    The title is perfect. I like the poem. : )
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Thanks

    Post  tsukany on Sat Oct 01, 2011 1:04 pm

    Great stuff.

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    Re: Sept Poem "Looking Up" I am experimenting with line length in this one. I have been inspied by John Leax of late, with his short lines.

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