Sept Poem "Looking Up" I am experimenting with line length in this one. I have been inspied by John Leax of late, with his short lines.

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Sept Poem "Looking Up" I am experimenting with line length in this one. I have been inspied by John Leax of late, with his short lines.

Post  tsukany on Thu Sep 29, 2011 7:10 am

Looking Up

I pass
Plaster football
stadium.
College--
full of life
and lipsticks,
better promises
...a crossing over.

The car
rolls down
a lane
pregnant
with the white
belly
of a squirrel,
face up,
hand extended
over the head
like a wave offering
of praise.

At church
several saints,
like squirrels,
shake
on the floor,
dying once
again.

--Sukany 11 Sept 2011

tsukany

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Looking Up

Post  Pat on Sat Oct 01, 2011 11:30 am

I'm good with short lines. Also like the present tense for this poem.

Stanza 1: assumed you were driving? wondered about the word "life". I'd break it down: breathing, backpacks, etc. Something that shows college life. Lipsticks, I like. Don't know that you need better. How about just promises. . . .?

Stanza 2: clearly in a different locale. Does pregnant mean "loaded" here? Overwhelmed by a dead squirrel, belly-side up? Am I understanding this right? Hand or Paw? What does the squirrel have? I don't have a clue. But the image is clear. I see the connection with promise and wave offereing. Hmmmm. In fact, good image.

Stanza 3: okay, now we are at church with the living saints. I don't know that I need: like squirrels. The reader may not need that to make the connection since it's in the previous stanza? You know how you offered hope in the first two stanzas, well, you could do that here too: like something about reborn, rebirth. Just a thought. . . . if that's what you had in mind: dying to be reborn again.

The title is perfect. I like the poem. : )

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Thanks

Post  tsukany on Sat Oct 01, 2011 1:04 pm

Great stuff.

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