The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Paws to Remember

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    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Paws to Remember

    Post  Don C on Wed Nov 27, 2013 4:59 pm

    The generators of God's love
                                      Build bridges that bind hearts
                                        With wagging tails and pleading eyes
                                        And other body parts.
     
                                        His twitching body lets you know
                                        He loves you most of all
                                      '  Cause you're the only one who knows
                                        Just how to toss his ball.
     
                                        And when you're cross with him he seeks 
                                       A special hiding place
                                      Within your sight so he can see
                                       The smile come to your face.
     
                                      And you could learn a lesson now
                                      Observing how he lives:
                                     So next time you mistreat him watch
                                     How quickly he forgives.
     
                                       His heart is filled with love for you
                                       Despite your many flaws,
                                      And he keeps reaching out to you
                                      With ever-loving paws.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 600
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I wonder

    Post  tsukany on Wed Nov 27, 2013 7:11 pm

    if you can drop stanza the first and last stanzas.  I have made other comments beside the lines.

    PAWS TO REMEMBER

    The generators of God's love
    Build bridges that bind hearts
    With wagging tails and pleading eyes
    And other body parts.
     
    His twitching body lets you know
    He loves you most of all
    'Cause you're the only one who knows
    Just how to toss his ball.
     
    And when you're cross with him he seeks 
    A special hiding place
    Within your sight so he can see
    The smile come(return?) to your face.   

    And you could learn a lesson now  (If you have this just as the dog, then it should remover the preachment)
    Observing how he lives:
    So next time you mistreat him watch  (Show the dog.  The preachment comes from telling the reader (YOU) what to experience)
    How quickly he forgives.
     
    His heart is filled with love for you
    Despite your many flaws,
    And he keeps reaching out to you
    With ever-loving paws.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    I WONDER... for Don

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Nov 28, 2013 1:16 pm

    Yes it is somewhat preachy.  My Senior Citizen audience here in Southern Oregon would like your original version partly because it is preachy but my poetry critique group would push for a dog poem, brief, clean and free of "you".  I like the rhyme and the theme.  And I can feel the dog jumping up, eager to play a loving game.  Dewell

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Re: Paws to Remember

    Post  Don C on Thu Nov 28, 2013 3:40 pm

    Thanks, Dewell. As Todd says, "Two poems in this one."  Appreciate yhour comments,

    Don

    Pat

    Posts : 642
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Don, I will not miss

    Post  Pat on Thu Nov 28, 2013 10:06 pm

    the point if you make it strictly about/for the dog.  The message comes through.  I can appreciate  the rhythm and the rhyme.  Perfect choice for this "doggie" poem.

    Don C

    Posts : 42
    Join date : 2013-09-24

    Pat

    Post  Don C on Fri Nov 29, 2013 12:50 pm

    Thanks, Pat. I appreciate your comments.

    dennis20
    Guest

    Not a dog in sight

    Post  dennis20 on Sat Nov 30, 2013 2:30 pm

    Don, This poem is NOT a dog!  I can see two poems here as well.  One from the dog's point of view and then the lesson taught.  The pictures are vivid enough to see the dog's reaction and the heart felt responses.  Good rhyme and meter as well. Good poem.  Dennis

    Pat

    Posts : 642
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    A thought. . . .

    Post  Pat on Sat Nov 30, 2013 6:21 pm

    We KNOW it is a poem of inspiration:  and you may want to submit it.   Do you know about:  The Shepherd ?   Betty Mowery is the poetry editor;  they want inspirational poetry.  You can send it to her at 1530 7th St.  Rock Island, IL 61201.  Send up to 5 poems at a time.  35 lines is max.  Just a thought.

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