Paws to Remember

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Paws to Remember

Post  Don C on Wed Nov 27, 2013 4:59 pm

The generators of God's love
                                  Build bridges that bind hearts
                                    With wagging tails and pleading eyes
                                    And other body parts.
 
                                    His twitching body lets you know
                                    He loves you most of all
                                  '  Cause you're the only one who knows
                                    Just how to toss his ball.
 
                                    And when you're cross with him he seeks 
                                   A special hiding place
                                  Within your sight so he can see
                                   The smile come to your face.
 
                                  And you could learn a lesson now
                                  Observing how he lives:
                                 So next time you mistreat him watch
                                 How quickly he forgives.
 
                                   His heart is filled with love for you
                                   Despite your many flaws,
                                  And he keeps reaching out to you
                                  With ever-loving paws.

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I wonder

Post  tsukany on Wed Nov 27, 2013 7:11 pm

if you can drop stanza the first and last stanzas.  I have made other comments beside the lines.

PAWS TO REMEMBER

The generators of God's love
Build bridges that bind hearts
With wagging tails and pleading eyes
And other body parts.
 
His twitching body lets you know
He loves you most of all
'Cause you're the only one who knows
Just how to toss his ball.
 
And when you're cross with him he seeks 
A special hiding place
Within your sight so he can see
The smile come(return?) to your face.   

And you could learn a lesson now  (If you have this just as the dog, then it should remover the preachment)
Observing how he lives:
So next time you mistreat him watch  (Show the dog.  The preachment comes from telling the reader (YOU) what to experience)
How quickly he forgives.
 
His heart is filled with love for you
Despite your many flaws,
And he keeps reaching out to you
With ever-loving paws.
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I WONDER... for Don

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Nov 28, 2013 1:16 pm

Yes it is somewhat preachy.  My Senior Citizen audience here in Southern Oregon would like your original version partly because it is preachy but my poetry critique group would push for a dog poem, brief, clean and free of "you".  I like the rhyme and the theme.  And I can feel the dog jumping up, eager to play a loving game.  Dewell

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Re: Paws to Remember

Post  Don C on Thu Nov 28, 2013 3:40 pm

Thanks, Dewell. As Todd says, "Two poems in this one."  Appreciate yhour comments,

Don

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Don, I will not miss

Post  Pat on Thu Nov 28, 2013 10:06 pm

the point if you make it strictly about/for the dog.  The message comes through.  I can appreciate  the rhythm and the rhyme.  Perfect choice for this "doggie" poem.

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Pat

Post  Don C on Fri Nov 29, 2013 12:50 pm

Thanks, Pat. I appreciate your comments.

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Not a dog in sight

Post  dennis20 on Sat Nov 30, 2013 2:30 pm

Don, This poem is NOT a dog!  I can see two poems here as well.  One from the dog's point of view and then the lesson taught.  The pictures are vivid enough to see the dog's reaction and the heart felt responses.  Good rhyme and meter as well. Good poem.  Dennis

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A thought. . . .

Post  Pat on Sat Nov 30, 2013 6:21 pm

We KNOW it is a poem of inspiration:  and you may want to submit it.   Do you know about:  The Shepherd ?   Betty Mowery is the poetry editor;  they want inspirational poetry.  You can send it to her at 1530 7th St.  Rock Island, IL 61201.  Send up to 5 poems at a time.  35 lines is max.  Just a thought.

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