Any thoughts or help

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Any thoughts or help

Post  dennis20 on Wed Dec 18, 2013 5:44 pm

The Music We Look Back On

The clash of the teeth and smack
of the lips at the end of the third date
which was like fumbling for the light
switch in a dark, unfamiliar room
as he thought he knew her
because they laughed appropriately
at the lightly tense conversation and 
she saw it as the prelude to thin walls
in an upstairs appartment before
the thirty-year mortgage
on a brick home in the suburbs
with 2.5 children and a dog
fighting traffic on the way 
to school as they both smiled, satisfied.

dennis20
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I like this note too

Post  tsukany on Mon Dec 23, 2013 1:23 pm

Dennis

I like this fine story line.  Good fun.  

It doesn't really return to the "music" of the title though.  "As" trips me up pretty regularly in this poem.  I would offer the following:

The Music We Look Back On

The clash of the teeth and smack
of the lips at the end of the third date, (comma added)
which was like fumbling for the light
switch in a dark, unfamiliar room.
He thought he knew her
because she laughed appropriately
at the lightly tense conversation. 
She saw it as the prelude to thin walls
in an upstairs apartment before
the thirty-year mortgage
on a brick home in the suburbs
with 2.5 children and a dog
fighting traffic on the way to school.
They both smiled, satisfied.
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tsukany

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Third Date Music?

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Dec 27, 2013 11:05 am

A simple kiss on the THIRD DATE?  Wow!  What year is this anyway?  I like his thoughts-her thoughts counterpoint.  Makes a good story.  There is definite music in this poem, apparent when read aloud.  The "as" is tricky.  I like that clumsy feeling I get reading "clash of teeth" and fumbling, etc.  Well done, Dennis.  Dewell

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Sweet and reminds me of the world of 50s and 60s

Post  Pat on Sun Dec 29, 2013 5:00 pm

Not in the 20's still but not yet exposed to media of the new century.  I like it.  However, I don't think you need which in the 3rd line (then no comma would be needed.)  Light switch image:  I smiled.  "lightly tense"  is perfect for first or third date for some of us.  You could say, "For her, it was the prelude. . . . (dumping the as the).  The way it reads:  I'm wondering who is fighting the traffic. I like what Todd did with the last 2 lines.  Use of period.
What if you changed dog to station-wagon or whatever the car of the time was?  Just a thought. 

You took me down memory lane.  : )

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Re: Any thoughts or help

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