The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    OLD DRAGON...

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 367
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    OLD DRAGON...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Dec 18, 2013 6:13 pm

    Can you see this Jr. High School teacher?  Looking for a clearer picture and a stronger end line.  All help appreciated.  Dewell


    OLD DRAGON

    “Grinner” Mills waddles down the aisle

    grunts, groans, clicks his false teeth

    as we brace ourselves against the

    chalkboard squeaks of Algebra 1-A.



    He’s a dragon, no two ways about it.

    His tongue lashes out between

    hound-dog-yellow fangs,

    flame spews with each step and breath.



    “Grinner” has been known to eat freshmen

    and football players who come to class

    unprepared. Some say his flame

    has become only a pilot light.



    Now he just dreams of devouring

    a young, delicious freshman,

    lightly buttered and sprinkled with

    knowns and unknowns. Still we quake.



    Better make that two freshmen ‘cause

    it’s been a long time since breakfast.

    _Dewell H. Byrd

    dennis20
    Guest

    Fear of Mr. Taylor

    Post  dennis20 on Mon Dec 23, 2013 9:56 am

    Dewell,  His name was Mr. Taylor and he taught senior Chemistry and Trig. His sense of humor was very dry and his wrath was worse.  Especially on those who came to class unprepared.  I think I see the ending without the last two lines. The last two lines invite more conversation.  The picture is complete at "quake" for me.  Thanks for that memory.  Merry Christmas.  Dennis
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    tsukany

    Posts : 609
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Nicely done

    Post  tsukany on Mon Dec 23, 2013 1:14 pm

    Dewell

    I like the thought.  We seem to all have one of those teachers...I'm sure I am the topic of someone's poem as well.  Smile

    A couple of spots for me 1.) I don't think of dragons as waddling. 2.)  The "some say" line throws me off to another time frame.  I think it works all in the persona's present experience.  Maybe the ending can be more of an Algebraic equation than simple addition.

    Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Oh foot! I wrote all this stuff, dog issue and now it's gone!

    Post  Pat on Sun Dec 29, 2013 5:25 pm

    Trying again.

    What about roared down the aisle?  Stanza 2, line 1:  do you need this?  Put flames spew on a line by itself . . .  maybe.  I'd say Grinner holds the reputation for. . . or maybe holds the rep for. . . S 3:  his flame has dimmed to a pilot light?  How can you know his dreams?  I struggle with this too:  to show, not tell dreams.  Maybe how he looks, stares, gazes?  I'd drop last couplet.  Telling. 

    And mine was Mr. Todd.  But I loved him.  He was a tough old codger. . . turned me in for skipping class, but I knew he liked me.  Taught me something about boundaries and limits.  Man, did I ever need those lessons!  : )

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