The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Does the tense remain consistent? Comfortable with the title?

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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Does the tense remain consistent? Comfortable with the title?

    Post  tsukany on Mon Dec 23, 2013 6:50 am

    What if a Poem Came Out Easy?  

    just open the mouth and liquid letters
    grace the ears?  drop a pen to paper

    and a hundred-year nugget appears
    before the eyes?  press keys

    or touch a screen and, momentarily,
    magic spreads across the globe?  

    What if poems slip out as easily
    as the words you wish to take back?

    --Sukany 22 Dec 2013

    dennis20
    Guest

    present tense in all

    Post  dennis20 on Mon Dec 23, 2013 9:46 am

    Todd,  It seems awkward because we don't speak nearly so precise, but it is all in present tense, therefore, correct.  You changed the last couplet to use the word poems rather than poem like was used in the title.  I believe the word "easily" should be used in the title instead of "easy" because it is an adverb modifying the verb came. Easy is an adjective.  If you dropped the word "out" it should read "What if a poem came easily?" On another note, I wish my poems came like that! I usually end up writing them numerous times before I am satisfied and even then tend to change some words when I read them later.  I would like to see a bumper sticker that says, "Poets do it with fewer words."  Merry Christmas  Dennis

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    What if poems came out

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Dec 27, 2013 11:18 am

    I enjoy: liquid letters, pen paper, eyes keys.  However I failed to find that music in the last stanza.  End line is a real ZINGER!  Love it.  Tense is comfortable for me.  I think Dennis is on to something regarding his comments on title... but not noticable when you talk the poem.
    As usual, Todd, your poems say a lot with a few words.  Thanks for sharing.  Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Thoughts. . . .

    Post  Pat on Sun Dec 29, 2013 4:31 pm

    I read it more than once.  I stumble over the title. . . . Dennis told why, I think.  However, I figure you did it on purpose.  To me, this is how some people do talk.  Not me, but some.  I notice the title is a question, but the answers start with lower case. I'd just drop that one cap you have near the end of the poem and make it all the same.  Why do both?  Of course this is not how poems happen for me.  By magic.  I am highly impressed when a friend of mine writes a poem and does little to edit her poem, and sometimes, it's pretty good.  I am in shock.  I hear the what if all the way through.  Last 2 lines:  powerful and universal.  A lot of inferred "what ifs".  Not repeated, but inferred repetition.  Interesting.  I know you are not that fond of repetition.  I like repetition for the music.  What if you dropped "the" in the last line?  I like the context and the imagery. 

    After thought:  what if you open the mouth and liquid words fell out?  Oh, I see your 'out' in title. . . . oh well. . . .

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