The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    The Triplets (or Triplets) : limited by characters accepted

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    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    The Triplets (or Triplets) : limited by characters accepted

    Post  Pat on Fri Sep 30, 2011 6:33 am

    Triplets



    Driving, we paused to watch

    a doe with triplets

    between a ditch and the waving hay,

    Oh, such a sight!

    Not twins but triplets—

    rare, dappled wonders.



    Sun, about to give up the sky.

    Three fawns, bearing

    the descending twilight

    on their shoulders and backs—

    slivers of significance.



    All at once, a cloud

    of blue iridescent dragonflies

    rose from the field grass, then

    freely flitted over and beside

    the tawny phantoms.



    We each held our breath and eyed

    the little ones on toothpick legs:

    one frolicked like a calf in a pasture,

    another threw its flag, and a third

    took steps toward us while the doe

    slowly moved off into long grass.



    Who could tire of such honest things?



    Just a moment on the other side

    of a ditch—that’s all we had of them.

    Blessed, we received it.



    ~ Pat Durmon, 2011



    Help in any way you see fit: I'm open to making a stronger poem. And I thank you soooo much! (Just hope this comes through.)
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Triplets

    Post  tsukany on Sat Oct 01, 2011 11:12 am

    Triplets (what if you made poem reflect the title: triplets in three stanzas? It would require cutting much)

    Driving, we paused to watch
    a doe with triplets
    between a ditch and the waving hay,
    Oh, such a sight! (this seems like telling)
    Not twins but triplets— (You've already told us this)
    rare, dappled wonders.

    Sun, about to give up the sky. (This is a line that could be cut too.)
    Three fawns, bearing
    the descending twilight
    on their shoulders and backs—
    slivers of significance.

    All at once, a cloud
    of blue iridescent dragonflies
    rose from the field grass, then
    freely flitted over and beside
    the tawny phantoms.

    We each held our breath and eyed
    the little ones on toothpick legs:
    one frolicked like a calf in a pasture,
    another threw its flag, and a third
    took steps toward us while the doe
    slowly moved off into long grass.

    Who could tire of such honest things?
    Just a moment on the other side
    of a ditch—that’s all we had of them.
    Blessed, we received it.

    ~ Pat Durmon, 2011

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Triplets

    Post  Pat on Sat Oct 01, 2011 11:40 am

    Helpful. I esp like the idea of shortening it to three stanzas. Hmmm. Repetition and cuts: great. Probably my not giving the reader enough trust. : ( Good help and I thank you, Pat

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