The Triplets (or Triplets) : limited by characters accepted

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The Triplets (or Triplets) : limited by characters accepted

Post  Pat on Fri Sep 30, 2011 6:33 am

Triplets



Driving, we paused to watch

a doe with triplets

between a ditch and the waving hay,

Oh, such a sight!

Not twins but triplets—

rare, dappled wonders.



Sun, about to give up the sky.

Three fawns, bearing

the descending twilight

on their shoulders and backs—

slivers of significance.



All at once, a cloud

of blue iridescent dragonflies

rose from the field grass, then

freely flitted over and beside

the tawny phantoms.



We each held our breath and eyed

the little ones on toothpick legs:

one frolicked like a calf in a pasture,

another threw its flag, and a third

took steps toward us while the doe

slowly moved off into long grass.



Who could tire of such honest things?



Just a moment on the other side

of a ditch—that’s all we had of them.

Blessed, we received it.



~ Pat Durmon, 2011



Help in any way you see fit: I'm open to making a stronger poem. And I thank you soooo much! (Just hope this comes through.)

Pat

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Triplets

Post  tsukany on Sat Oct 01, 2011 11:12 am

Triplets (what if you made poem reflect the title: triplets in three stanzas? It would require cutting much)

Driving, we paused to watch
a doe with triplets
between a ditch and the waving hay,
Oh, such a sight! (this seems like telling)
Not twins but triplets— (You've already told us this)
rare, dappled wonders.

Sun, about to give up the sky. (This is a line that could be cut too.)
Three fawns, bearing
the descending twilight
on their shoulders and backs—
slivers of significance.

All at once, a cloud
of blue iridescent dragonflies
rose from the field grass, then
freely flitted over and beside
the tawny phantoms.

We each held our breath and eyed
the little ones on toothpick legs:
one frolicked like a calf in a pasture,
another threw its flag, and a third
took steps toward us while the doe
slowly moved off into long grass.

Who could tire of such honest things?
Just a moment on the other side
of a ditch—that’s all we had of them.
Blessed, we received it.

~ Pat Durmon, 2011
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tsukany

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Triplets

Post  Pat on Sat Oct 01, 2011 11:40 am

Helpful. I esp like the idea of shortening it to three stanzas. Hmmm. Repetition and cuts: great. Probably my not giving the reader enough trust. : ( Good help and I thank you, Pat

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