Am I expecting too much with this title?

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Am I expecting too much with this title?

Post  dennis20 on Thu Jan 23, 2014 2:56 pm

Dandelions
 
When the first one left
for school,  mother cried,
walked him to the bus stop.
With the second and third
much more a chore of joy
than a pang of regret.
 
First year of college came
with a mother’s pining
and hugging each time
he came and went, but
with the second and third
less need for sentiment.
 
Marriage took the oldest
and mother grieved deeply.
She lost his youth to life
and wife and family.
With second and third
she gained daughters-in-law.
 
Silver hoary heads shine
along meadow ridges
in ageless repetition
sowing new seeds
on the wind.

dennis20
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Dennis

Post  tsukany on Sat Jan 25, 2014 8:23 am

Hey Dennis...nice poem.  I like the journey.  I don't think you are asking too much from the title at all.  

I see a couple "weeds" that you might consider:

1.  Second stanza has two "came"s  (I like the internal rhyme in this stanza...sneaky)

2.  "Took" in stanza three feels like "death" and perhaps that is the connotation you desired.

3.  "Silver" and "hoary" are the same basic picture.  Maybe the redundancy works for the population of dandelions as image.  Also, it reads as though the old are doing the current re-population rather than enjoying the work of their progeny.
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Weeds in the crop

Post  dennis20 on Sat Jan 25, 2014 8:03 pm

Todd, Thanks for the eagle eye.  I have made a couple of word changes.  I did intend the first marriage to look like death in the eyes of the mother because her grieving shows it as a loss, but with the next two sons she sees marriage as her gain.  In the turn I was looking at how the dandelions look in nature not necessarily from the "mother" point of view.  That's why I wondered if the title could lead the reader from the "family matriarch" to the picture of weeds in the wind.  Oh, and by the way, I just can't help myself on slipping in the rhyme. I guess it is from my days before I got into free verse. 


Dandelions
 
When the first one left
for school,  mother cried,
walked him to the bus stop.
With the second and third
much more a chore of joy
than a pang of regret.
 
First son in college
brought a mother’s pining
and hugging each time
he came and went, but
with the second and third
less need for sentiment.
 
Marriage took the oldest
and mother grieved deeply.
She lost his youth to life 
and wife and family.
With second and third
she gained daughters-in-law.
 
Waving hoary heads shine
along meadow ridges
in ageless repetition
sowing new seeds
on the wind.

dennis20
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Lots of hope in the poem

Post  Pat on Thu Jan 30, 2014 9:35 am

I like the title.  I don't like  hoary.  How about bright or sunny heads.  Hope.  I paused in reading the second line:  mother.   I would say the mother or Mother.  That way we grammar cops don't pause.  How about joy chore than chore of joy.  Either way it's oxymoron which I like.  Do you really mean sentiment?  Less need for feelings?  showing of affection?  Might check this word's meanings.  Is that what you mean?  Or do you mean:  less need for holding close?  I don't think you need deeply.  And how does the loss actually happen?  I think it's wife and family and life.  I'm wondering if you need in-law.   Maybe daughters would suffice.  Or in-law daughters.  I know I tweeked a good bit, but Dennis, I like it.

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