The Last Friday

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    Am I expecting too much with this title?

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    dennis20
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    Am I expecting too much with this title?

    Post  dennis20 on Thu Jan 23, 2014 2:56 pm

    Dandelions
     
    When the first one left
    for school,  mother cried,
    walked him to the bus stop.
    With the second and third
    much more a chore of joy
    than a pang of regret.
     
    First year of college came
    with a mother’s pining
    and hugging each time
    he came and went, but
    with the second and third
    less need for sentiment.
     
    Marriage took the oldest
    and mother grieved deeply.
    She lost his youth to life
    and wife and family.
    With second and third
    she gained daughters-in-law.
     
    Silver hoary heads shine
    along meadow ridges
    in ageless repetition
    sowing new seeds
    on the wind.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Dennis

    Post  tsukany on Sat Jan 25, 2014 8:23 am

    Hey Dennis...nice poem.  I like the journey.  I don't think you are asking too much from the title at all.  

    I see a couple "weeds" that you might consider:

    1.  Second stanza has two "came"s  (I like the internal rhyme in this stanza...sneaky)

    2.  "Took" in stanza three feels like "death" and perhaps that is the connotation you desired.

    3.  "Silver" and "hoary" are the same basic picture.  Maybe the redundancy works for the population of dandelions as image.  Also, it reads as though the old are doing the current re-population rather than enjoying the work of their progeny.

    dennis20
    Guest

    Weeds in the crop

    Post  dennis20 on Sat Jan 25, 2014 8:03 pm

    Todd, Thanks for the eagle eye.  I have made a couple of word changes.  I did intend the first marriage to look like death in the eyes of the mother because her grieving shows it as a loss, but with the next two sons she sees marriage as her gain.  In the turn I was looking at how the dandelions look in nature not necessarily from the "mother" point of view.  That's why I wondered if the title could lead the reader from the "family matriarch" to the picture of weeds in the wind.  Oh, and by the way, I just can't help myself on slipping in the rhyme. I guess it is from my days before I got into free verse. 


    Dandelions
     
    When the first one left
    for school,  mother cried,
    walked him to the bus stop.
    With the second and third
    much more a chore of joy
    than a pang of regret.
     
    First son in college
    brought a mother’s pining
    and hugging each time
    he came and went, but
    with the second and third
    less need for sentiment.
     
    Marriage took the oldest
    and mother grieved deeply.
    She lost his youth to life 
    and wife and family.
    With second and third
    she gained daughters-in-law.
     
    Waving hoary heads shine
    along meadow ridges
    in ageless repetition
    sowing new seeds
    on the wind.

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Lots of hope in the poem

    Post  Pat on Thu Jan 30, 2014 9:35 am

    I like the title.  I don't like  hoary.  How about bright or sunny heads.  Hope.  I paused in reading the second line:  mother.   I would say the mother or Mother.  That way we grammar cops don't pause.  How about joy chore than chore of joy.  Either way it's oxymoron which I like.  Do you really mean sentiment?  Less need for feelings?  showing of affection?  Might check this word's meanings.  Is that what you mean?  Or do you mean:  less need for holding close?  I don't think you need deeply.  And how does the loss actually happen?  I think it's wife and family and life.  I'm wondering if you need in-law.   Maybe daughters would suffice.  Or in-law daughters.  I know I tweeked a good bit, but Dennis, I like it.

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