The Last Friday

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    Should be in 3 line stanzas. I am struggling with copy/paste. No notepad here.

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    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Should be in 3 line stanzas. I am struggling with copy/paste. No notepad here.

    Post  Pat on Mon Jan 27, 2014 10:27 pm

                The Last Day of the Year

     

    Finally now, in a narrow bed inside a simple house

         where a son and wife sleep, she tip-toed off

         and left dawn and the hem of day behind

     

    as if to counter another beginning with her ending.

         No longer did she wait for someone to hover

         over her, to tuck covers, to make coffee.

     

    Up here in the mountains,

         another son receives the long-awaited news

         leaving him a little lightheaded.

     

    Now he notices how birds bright and dull

         swoop down and dine as always:  cardinals,

         doves, nuthatches, crows, chickadees. 

     

    No sorrow in them.  Instead, a picnic on the grounds. 

         However, they scatter up and away when the man

         steps off the porch and rings the black bell 94 times.

        

    He returns inside, pulls a chair close to the window,

         sits like thin snow and watches weightless birds

         absorb the minute, doodle and peck dead grass.  
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I Notepad'd your poem

    Post  tsukany on Wed Jan 29, 2014 4:12 pm

    The Last Day of the Year

    Finally now, in a narrow bed inside a simple house
         where a son and wife sleep, she tip-toed off
         and left dawn and the hem of day behind

     as if to counter another beginning with her ending.
         No longer did she wait for someone to hover
         over her, to tuck covers, to make coffee.

    Up here in the mountains,
         another son receives the long-awaited news
         leaving him a little lightheaded.

     Now he notices how birds bright and dull
         swoop down and dine as always:  cardinals,
         doves, nuthatches, crows, chickadees. 

     No sorrow in them.  Instead, a picnic on the grounds. 
         However, they scatter up and away when the man
         steps off the porch and rings the black bell 94 times.

    He returns inside, pulls a chair close to the window,
         sits like thin snow and watches weightless birds
         absorb the minute, doodle and peck dead grass.

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Thank you, Todd!!!

    Post  Pat on Thu Jan 30, 2014 8:27 am

    Yes, that's how I want it to look for you guys.

    dennis20
    Guest

    Ringing the bell

    Post  dennis20 on Sat Feb 01, 2014 2:31 pm

    Pat,  I like the balance in the poem of death, life, death, life.  That may not make sense, but what I saw was the end with beginning which could have been the new year or a new life after death (a play here on old year and coming in of new year) with mundane events of busy work in preparation of death itself.  It moved us from the house where the final breath was taken to the house where breath was held until the news--long-awaited news-- (I like that picture) came.  Then, life in the grips of that truth and its finality sinks in, is dealt with by the ringing of the bell, and at last life goes on in the form of birds once again feeding.  I would remove the "s" off "grounds" and remove the word "Forever" in the next line.  Good  Dennis
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Two Cents

    Post  tsukany on Sat Feb 01, 2014 5:28 pm

    Pat,

    I think there are too many players in the poem.  Is the poem about the persona?  The person who passed?  The news?  The children?  

    I would consider one persona (preferably a first-person account--even without a first-person pronoun) and let the reader feel that persona's experience.

    I do like the music of stanza two.

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    Re: Should be in 3 line stanzas. I am struggling with copy/paste. No notepad here.

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