The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.

    Working on humor. Are the jumps too broad to follow?


    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Working on humor. Are the jumps too broad to follow?

    Post  tsukany on Thu Oct 27, 2011 7:18 am

    Serial Killer

    Obsessions start out simply enough,
    like innocence trapped in mousy fur.
    Candies, round and juicy, sport crunchy outsides
    until you get to the tender mid-section.
    Then it's on to school, on to gym and recess,

    and pulling hair, and chasing girls up the jungle gym
    and waiting patiently as the bell
    calls us back to order. Some keep cars in garages,
    stripping them down to bare frames, rubbing

    off years of neglect and re-assembling them
    as showcases, trophies of individuality.
    Later, women, bulging with life, require
    watermelon, pickles and blueberries,
    feasting for more than one. And so

    the sensitivities are dulled,
    and like any good addict, "more" craves "more,"
    no end is needed nor destination,
    just a joy ride through the next town.

    Papa, Mama, Junior, Sissy were all the same.
    Yet, a bump in the morals, an internal lie detector
    flashes humanity, when during "The Tonight Show,"
    when inspected during a commercial message,
    the bread drawer witnesses the snap of Amos and Andy.

    --Sukany 24 Sept 2011


    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Re: Working on humor. Are the jumps too broad to follow?

    Post  Pat on Thu Nov 03, 2011 9:10 pm

    Let's take it one stanza at a time:

    I follow the addiction, obsession thinking. What shows and what doesn't. Clever. I think you have a place for Jekel and Hyde. : )

    I'd stay very focused on obsessive, addictive all the way through. I read it through twice. Then, what I did was look at each stanza.

    Stanza 1: loved the innocence trapped in mousey fur. (I'd change get to bite.) All this is fairly normal and ordinary; easy to follow.)

    Stanza 2: I'd stay with repetition: on to pulling hair, on to chasing girl...., on to waiting. .. . Then, I'd consider personalizing instead of some: Daddy/our neighbor (name someone) keeps our car. . . .instead of -ing, it might be more powerful if you used strips and rubs / reassembles . . ..

    Stanza 3: I'd comma and drop and before reassembles. . . . as a reader, I need "as" in front of trophies. Just a little repetition, but very clarifying for me. I wonder if there's another way to say individuality. . . like him insisting on being him or himself, insisting on a turtleneck rather than coat and tie. . . that, or rhyme individuality with reality or abnormality or something else. . . it sticks out without the rhyme to me. And I'm thinking you may want it to flow with the rest of it? Later, the women in his life? I'm personalizing instead of going with generalities. Just more interesting to me, I guess when we go with particulars. I love the bulging with life . . . . examples are great.

    Stanza 4: And so, like any good addict, he (whoever you might settle on) craves more. Even if you leave it as is, I don't think you need the quote marks, do you? I may be off base with that. But I don't need them. Todd, I'd just say: No end, no goal, no destination needed. Just a joy ride. ...

    Stanza 5: I'd eliminate your "were" and colon or dash it. Family is always lost in such situations, but I also hear that they have their beliefs. Now, I am truly not sure how you mean "all the same." What is the meaning? Are they in denial about him? (forgive me here----I don't get it. . . I was a mental health counselor for 20 years. Usually, a family gets pretty nutty, religious, something when a family member acts out. They can look worse than the addict, but they don't have a clue that anything is wrong with them. They just think it's all about the addict if they are awake. And clearly, the addict has a problem. Not so clear: the family needs help too, but I guess we are not going there. Man, you must have hit a button with me! : )))) I think instead of were, you might consider "pretend" to be the same. Surely, pretentiousness is happening. The closing stanza is so important here: And yet, the lie detector (forget that abstract word morals) bonks like the police flashing his blues. You know what I mean. . . something screaming at you. And on I go: What I understand is that there is a bump in the morals and a snap in the Amos and Andy (who were hilarious.) but Todd, I don't get it. Does he (in one strange moment) snap and ignore the family morals when he fixes a sandwich during a commercial one late night when the T V is going? If that's not it, I am lost. . . help me understand this. Serial Killers. . . I have no idea how they become such. But addicts. . . one day at a time, they feed their minds, bodies, emotions with whatever they're addicted to.

    This is such a serious subject. And I probably missed the humor. But I loved Amos and Andy onceuponatime and for years enjoyed The Tonight Show (we don't have television any more.) All funny. What made them funny? trying to remember. They definitely laughed at themselves and their own stupidity, humanness, mess-ups. We could identify with their vulnerability too, I suppose.

    Hope something here helps. Pat

    I don't know that anything I've said here has helped you a lick, but I'm trying to be honest.

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