The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    After The Rain

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 351
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    After The Rain

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Feb 28, 2014 10:51 am

    After The Rain... I think this elusive poem, still lumpy, needs the critical eye of Last Friday Folk.  It is almost musical in places then jumps the track in others.  Puncuation is also inconsistent...I do like the images. I welcome all suggestions.  Dewell


    AFTER THE RAIN



    Silence

    hangs pale

    over the garden.



    Damp, fresh, clean

    earth drinks its fill, sighs.

    Picket fence releases prayers of vapor.

     

    Rainbows

    embrace the sky

    lush with early omen.



    Clouds

    of starlings skitter about, glean.

    Wind and light tease each other.



    Earth

    holds its breath

    for a milli-second.



    Grandma taps an egg

    on the rim of the mixing bowl,

    waits for the miracle to slip out.



    -Dewell H. Byrd

    dennis20
    Guest

    Gathering Clouds

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Feb 28, 2014 3:49 pm

    Dewell,  Nice rainy weather poem.  We could use it here and there is hope.  I like the clean fresh smell that isn't mentioned but is here all the same. And the prayers of vapor was so poetic.  The picture is full of things you would experience after the shower, except for Grandma and the egg.  I see that as a Haiku and not meant for this poem. Nothing in the picture leads me in that direction.   Maybe you could mention late afternoon as "pale" might picture or it does to me.  You might move the word "Damp" on a line by itself since the other strophes appear to have a word they follow and define.  By that, I mean you have: Silence, rainbows, clouds, earth, so why not put "damp" on a line above the other lines.  Hope that helps.  Dennis
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    tsukany

    Posts : 586
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Posting thoughts and then reading Dennis' comments (dangerous Todd)

    Post  tsukany on Sat Mar 01, 2014 8:01 am

    AFTER THE RAIN

    Silence
    hangs pale 
    over the garden. (the tone is not overly hopeful)

    Earth
    holds its breath
    for a milli-second.

    Damp, fresh, clean
    earth drinks its fill, sighs. (The grammar suggests that the three adjectives modify "earth)
    Picket fence releases prayers of vapor. (I wonder if this should be a simile..."like vapor)

    Rainbows
    embrace the sky (I am thrown by "embrace" seems a contrast in tone with "omen")
    lush with early omen.

    Clouds 
    of starlings skitter about, glean.
    Wind and light tease each other. (this line leaves birds; maybe put it in another place in the poem?)

    Grandma taps an egg
    on the rim of the mixing bowl,
    waits for the miracle to slip out.


    -Dewell H. Byrd

    Pat

    Posts : 620
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Looks like a poem with a special form. . . .

    Post  Pat on Sat Mar 01, 2014 8:12 pm

    and I like it. Just stay with a form. Maybe Put a noun as the first line of the stanza, then maybe a verb, third line could be a metaphor. For example: Silence/ hangs pale/ over the garden like fog. Each stanza could be a complete thought. I would stay with nature throughout. I'd be sure I had all the senses covered: smell, sight, sounds, taste, etc. Maybe rainbows bloom in the sky?
    I'd drop the last stanza. Title works for me. Earth has a pungent smell after a good rain. Nice.

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