The Last Friday

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    dennis20
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    Any thoughts welcome

    Post  dennis20 on Mon Mar 24, 2014 11:13 am

    Harbinger of Spring

    Golden buttercup within a thousand
    standing tall and straight
    against a sky of blue, you
    are a monument to the ant
    who scours the hubris
    at your feet, but to the men
    who pass you by, a seed
    of spring and hope of warmth
    to come. 
     
    And to the soul
    of one in love, the eye
    that represents all grace
    and beauty the world
    offers on this day. 
     
    The stem of green beneath
    is envy of the winter’s brown
    left in the wake of fading cold.
    Golden buttercup within a thousand,
    you are the symbol of change,
    the geometry of hills.

    Pat

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    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Happily, I have buttercups (daffodils) too, so I read your poem

    Post  Pat on Tue Mar 25, 2014 7:53 am

    and view them now.

    Dennis, my understanding is that you are telling the buttercups who they are to this one and that one. Easy to understand. Images are: monuments, hope, seed, grace, beauty, symbol of change, etc. I like the concrete images best, esp. monument. I might even push to name the monument: like Eiffel Tower or whatever. Maybe Arc de Triumph fits after such an icy, snowy winter when they had to be still and lay keep their heads down. In fact, you could do that with all the abstract images: name something of beauty instead of saying beauty. Just a thought. It would change the poem significantly, but something to play with.

    Actually, I did not care for the ending. (Just an opinion.) After your poetry, it seemed so calculating and scientific. But then, I prefer beauty to science. I'd drop the last two lines and put: you are mine! : ) Remember the poem is yours. . . .

    Dewell H. Byrd

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    Buttercups, etc.

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Mar 27, 2014 3:21 pm

    I concur with Pat's praise of imagery...
    In Stanza #1 you might change the ant thing to..."to the ant you are"... also change but to and.   Drop "all" and end stanza with beauty...
    I'm puzzling over straight and tall-- tall and straight.. are both needed.
    Dennis, that soul comment draws me away from simple beauty toward something spiritual.  If you purpose that then a foreshadow word or image would help this reader.
    Indeed, a lovely spring poem.  Dewell
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    tsukany

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    Nice images

    Post  tsukany on Fri Mar 28, 2014 10:31 am

    Dennis

    I would offer swapping stanzas two and three.  Keep the reader focused on the image of the flower and then smack us with the soul.  Nice image/contrast.

    It seems that you have a few words that are pushing to be poetic.  While I like "hubris" it seems heavy for the tone of the poem.  I wonder if "feet" could be "roots" it gathers more connotation since plants don't have feet.  Smile

    I also wonder if passing men (seems like they are also "clueless" to the flower) is in the right tone.

    There seems to be a bit of "hmmm . . . I've heard that before" in this poem.  I think you have a fresh idea, let it out.  

    Thanks for sharing.

    dennis20
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    Tall orders for flowers

    Post  dennis20 on Sat Mar 29, 2014 9:52 pm

    Thanks all for the input.  I have taken your thoughts to heart and encorporated them into the work.  Does it fit together as well with the additions as the original?

    Harbinger of Spring

    Golden buttercup within a thousand,
    a standing Eiffel Tower
    against a sky of blue.   You
    are a monument to the ant
    who scours the hubris
    at your roots, but to the men
    who happen by, a seed
    of spring and hope of warmth
    to come. 
     
    The stem of green beneath
    is envy of the winter’s brown
    left in the wake of fading cold.
    Golden buttercup within a thousand,
    you are the symbol of change,
    the geometry of hills.
     
    And to the soul
    of one in love, the eye
    that represents all grace
    and beauty the world
    offers on this day.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Still pulling weeds (sorry for the pun, LOL)

    Post  tsukany on Sun Mar 30, 2014 7:07 am

    Harbinger of Spring

    Golden buttercup within a thousand, (are you trying to say "one of thousands"? noting the commonality of community?)
    a standing Eiffel Tower
    against a sky of blue.   You  (I always ask my students:  "What color is grass? sky? dirt? sunset?"  They give me the same answers every year)
    are a monument to the ant (maybe plural?  like the "thousands" and "men"?)
    who scours the hubris 
    at your roots, but to the men (I wonder if "but" is too strong still?  "yet"?)
    who happen by, a seed
    of spring and hope of warmth
    to come.  (Do you need "to come"? is this inherent in Spring?)
     
    The stem of green beneath 
    is envy of the winter’s brown  (Example from my comment above:  Your stem of envy beneath [I realize that is not the intent of the line; I offer an example of changing color words])
    left in the wake of fading cold.  ("Wake" picks up the death of winter...fun)
    Golden buttercup within a thousand,
    you are the symbol of change,
    the geometry of hills.  (This sentence "Golden...hills." seems out of place in the tone of the poem.  The line is cerebral and the rest imagistic and relational.)
     
    And to the soul
    of one in love, the eye  (I think we are still missing the "passion point" of the poem...even in this version).  I think you are trying to let us experience one buttercup/eye into a philosophy of life).  Maybe there are too many players still?  (ants, men, winter, cold, soul in love)  What if there are two?  buttercup (stanzas one and two) and the soul in love (stanza three)?  I wonder about the title.  You grab an "eye" reference with the Tower; maybe the title will help us connect to the passion point of the poem.
    that represents all grace
    and beauty the world
    offers on this day.

    I really like this poem.  The tone is warm like the promise/hope of Spring.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I see, I see, I see. . . .

    Post  Pat on Sun Mar 30, 2014 8:11 am

    Remember the Look and See book? Well, my first primer, I suppose. First Grade Book in America. Oh well,. . . . What I suddenly see is why Dennis' last lines did not affect me like the rest of his poem: it is cerebral, brainy stuff. The rest IS imagery and relational. I couldn't figure it out. I called it scientific, but no, it is cerebral. Thank you, Todd, for naming it. Helpful to me. Very helpful. I just knew it didn't affect me like the beauty in his lines above.

    Dennis, we have slaughtered your poem, but we are all learning and playing together while we slap your poem around, adjusting this and that. Trying to figure stuff out for your writing, our writing.
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    tsukany

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    Amen Pat

    Post  tsukany on Sun Mar 30, 2014 8:32 am

    Pat

    yes...we are slapping each other's poems but really are learning how to slap ourselves.  Smile  I welcome the torture since I want my poems to be for the reader too.

    Thanks again Last Friday!

    dennis20
    Guest

    Cleaning up the debris

    Post  dennis20 on Sun Mar 30, 2014 4:24 pm

    Thanks one and all for the comments.  I am adjusting the thought here to cut out a character or two and see if this streamlines the picture.  Thoughts?

    An Eye of Spring

    Golden buttercup within a thousand,
    a standing Eiffel Tower
    against a gig saw sky.   You
    are a monument to the ants
    who scours the hubris
    at your roots, while to the men
    who happen by, a seed
    of spring and hope of warmth.
     
    The brazen stem beneath
    is envy of the winter’s rale,
    life that spawns from fading death.
    Golden buttercup within a thousand,
    you are the symbol of change,
    glory risen from the grave.
    You represent all grace
    and beauty the world
    offers on this day.

    Pat

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    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I think you are getting there. . . .

    Post  Pat on Mon Mar 31, 2014 6:17 am

    but do you mean jigsaw sky like with clouds scattered? I don't know gig saw sky. . . . typo or spelling? or what? to ants that scour? or ants who scour. . . .
    I finally looked up hubris, not really a word I use: I'm taking it to mean confidence or pride. They have different shades of meaning for me. Just wondering why hubris over one of those simple words. I like the sound and image of winter's rale.
    S 2, lines 5/6: why not just say: you are the glory. . . skip the change phrase. It is clearly a change.
    Ending lines: why represent (telling)? Maybe: Today, you open your heart and give us beauty.
    Oh, and I like the line about grace/grave.

    Hope this helps. .. take what you like. . . and leave the rest.


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    tsukany

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    Oh why?

    Post  tsukany on Mon Mar 31, 2014 7:24 am

    Why must we tinker so?  'tis a curse I'm sure.  Dennis, I fear that we are weeding the poem to death.  Please forgive me.

    Eye of Spring

    Golden buttercup rises above her thousands,
    a standing Eiffel Tower
    against a romantic sky,
    a monument to the ants
    who scour the hubris 
    at your roots, while to the men
    who happen by, a seed
    of spring and hope of warmth.

    Golden buttercup rising above her thousands,
    glory risen from the grave,
    all grace and beauty 
    offered for this day,
    her brazen stem beneath 
    is envy of the winter’s rale;
    life spawns from Winter’s wake.

    And to the soul of one in love, 
    the eye (show us the simple passion that inspired the poem)

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Nice. I especially like the ending with eye.

    Post  Pat on Mon Mar 31, 2014 4:16 pm

    Maybe let it grow cold? and relook at the first version, then the last? You don't want to lose the essence of the poem. I do like how it's playing out, but I hear Todd's cautions. Just hard to let a new poem rest. At least it is for me.


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