The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    RHYTHMS (and line 3 puzzlement)

    Share

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    RHYTHMS (and line 3 puzzlement)

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Mar 27, 2014 3:03 pm

    Can't seem to get line three to snuggle into this poem.  I've tried a variety of lines that now rest on the menden.  HELP.


    RHYTHMS



    dawn colors break

    on wide open horizon

    (I don’t know what goes here.)

    I squish new footprints



    waves loving the land

    the ocean’s heartbeat

    the sound I heard

    as an embryo



    arriving on fresh wavelets

    a sand dollar shell

    with patterns like

    sunrise on the sea



    -Dewell H. Byrd

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Responding to Rhythms

    Post  Pat on Fri Mar 28, 2014 8:55 am

    Okay, here's what I have for you:

    I read and reread it:
    line 3 might be your state of being since the next line begins with I (which I have no problem with.)
    questioning nothing /or my heart content. . . . something like that?
    I played with 2nd stanza line 1: waves fingering (or caressing) the land? I was thinking you could say what you are doing, what the waves are doing, drawing the two together since you put yourself in the poem anyway. . . . you making a rhythm, ocean making a rhythm.
    Still on stanza 2: what is the sound? Can you name it? same ta-tum heard/ (just thoughts)
    I think I got distracted with "arriving on". Do you need that? Can you just drop it?
    Dewell, I LOVE the opening and closing. Super!
    You are reflecting and catching the moments on the lines in between.
    I love the sound of the waves too. . . mesmerizing for me. Maybe it does all go back to the embryo stage. : ) Nice thought. Maybe that sound got trapped inside of us. So many of us in land-locked states love to go to the ocean now and then. Restful and peaceful. Some never get in the water. Just lie beside the ocean. Body imprints perhaps. I love thinking of it this way. Thank you.


    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Line Three

    Post  tsukany on Fri Mar 28, 2014 10:17 am

    Dewell

    Line three can be a "Kooser" detail that focuses the setting.  Laguna, Virginia, Hawaii, Normandy....

    Does anyone actually remember being an embryo?  That line is a stretch for me.

    dennis20
    Guest

    Early at the beach

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Mar 28, 2014 10:04 pm

    Dewell,  Here is a thought that might enchance the color idea from your first line. Maybe one of these would work or give you an idea for one.  Good pictures in this one.

    dawn colors break
    on wide open horizon,

    misty prisms

    mist into prisms

    prisms from mist

    Sponsored content

    Re: RHYTHMS (and line 3 puzzlement)

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Fri Jul 20, 2018 2:02 am