The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    A work in progress, as always. Open to any comments.

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    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    A work in progress, as always. Open to any comments.

    Post  Pat on Thu Mar 27, 2014 10:20 pm

    Lines Gone Soon After Dawn

    These are not the lines
    that came to me while sitting
    near a lake in the early morning
    when I had no pen, no paper.

    I thought I might remember
    daylight bleaching darkness
    from the sky, the innocent pinks
    of a newborn day. But the words
    in my mind at the lake have gone
    like the moon gives way to the sun.
    Gone and forgotten once I returned
    to the farmhouse busting with
    reams of pristine paper and cups
    of pens and pencils.

    Once again, the edgy lessons:
    that timing is everything, that I must
    carry a pen in my pocket, that I can
    always write lines on my hands,
    feet, arms and legs.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Rushed to print?

    Post  tsukany on Fri Mar 28, 2014 10:23 am

    Pat,

    It seems like this one is "rushed to print."  By that I mean, you tell us the ending rather than lead us to it.

    "like the moon gives way to the sun" seems like you could have a fresher simile here.  One that is relational maybe? 

    The beginning is very Collins-like?  I like that and Mark T will like it too.  I didn't get "pristine" paper on the first run through...or the second.  Maybe you can let the reader know that you've returned to write.  The images of that stanza are powerful and overshadow the "intent" of the persona.

    Looking forward to seeing another version soon.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Thanks for your thoughts. . .

    Post  Pat on Fri Mar 28, 2014 11:22 am

    always helpful!

    Todd, your poem is interesting to say the least, but I have no more time. Phone calls. I'll read your poem again this evening. . . . heading out the door. Pat

    dennis20
    Guest

    Collins would be proud

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Mar 28, 2014 10:19 pm

    Pat,  Collings could have written this!  Very good.  To keep if from looking so "fat" in the middle you could start a new paragraph at "Gone and forgotten"  Collings would have said something like "I have returned now where I have reams of paper and cups of pencils, but the words have left like...  Very good and so something that has happened to all of us.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Speaking of Collins---

    Post  Pat on Fri Mar 28, 2014 11:15 pm

    I have read 3 or 4 of his books recently. (Library) He has a similar poem. I'm noticing how he moves from stanza to stanza too. His beginnings and closures. Linda Pastan may be my next teacher. I so like her work. And totally different from Collins.

    Always looking for teachers. . . .

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Lines Gone Soon After Dawn

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Mar 29, 2014 7:03 pm

    Pat, this poem seems to stray from direct presentation to vague... ie, opening and midsection.  For my taste the straight forward beginning needs to flow through to the end.  I like the images tho a couple seem like cleches.  I've seen this subject treated by many poets which suggests that you and I are not alone.  My best lines come at 3:00 AM and fade with the 6:00 O'clock alarm.
    Thanks for sharing.  Dewell

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