The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Visitor's Church

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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Visitor's Church

    Post  tsukany on Fri Mar 28, 2014 9:11 am

    My questions are concerning this title and whether the poem's tone is positive or negative. Thanks



    Visitor’s Church

    Visitors don’t stumble in,  
    but intentionally seek refuge
    from dreary Sundays
    that start another week,
    another Monday,
    followed by another Tuesday,
    limping to Hump Day and repeat.  

    Repeat.  
    Repeat.  
    Repeat the same
    over and over.  

    Church should be over and over,
    but more like a mottled terrier in a beat-up, blue Toyota,
     two paws on the Master’s lap,
     two paws on the driver’s mirror,
    helping shepherd traffic in Tulsa,
    slinging slobber down the door trim.  

    Church should be Sunday,
    followed by Monday,
    then Tuesday, then Hump Day,
    hoping for no breaks between drives.

    --Sukany 28 March 2014


    Last edited by tsukany on Sat Mar 29, 2014 8:22 am; edited 1 time in total

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    What? No replies yet? : )

    Post  Pat on Fri Mar 28, 2014 6:12 pm

    I want to read what someone else has to say about Todd's poem. giggle, giggle. Then I can piggyback off of what you guys have to say. . . .okay, here goes. . . .

    I like: the listing of the Monday. . . hump day. . .I like limping into. . . . I think about how hard my Mondays use to be. . . . and I'd be counting down by Thursday, for sure. Not watching a clock, but counting down the clients: 2 to go, 1 to go by the end of the day. I hear you loud and clear. Even the housewife of the 50's had it broken down: Mondays was laundry day - Saturdays (baking day) So we understand it.

    What can you do to make it better?
    I'm wondering how you can show it rather than tell it. (First two lines are telling.) I think you have already set it up: no need for repeat, repeat, over and over. . . you can just say, "Monday again, then Tuesday, Wednesday, . . . ."
    Should is a preachy word. What if you just say, "church, not repetitive. . . more like. . . .terrier. . . ." Now, this is my favorite stanza: showing! love it. Master is capitalized. . . . so this is the big picture. : )

    Then, there's that should-word again. Do you need the last stanza? Telling. I did notice the absence of dreary in last stanza though. A good thing.
    So visitors just interrupt their hum-drum week with a planned visit to church. S 3, l 1: should or should not?
    I suspect this may be true of the worldly folks visiting and getting a fix.

    That's all I can think of. Now, I hand it to Dennis and Dewell. Let me know what you do with poem. . . it is interesting.


    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Visitor's Church...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Mar 29, 2014 7:22 pm

    Back in the olden days when I taught Sunday School to juvies we had lots of visitors and a few who WERE the church regardless of parental participation.  Title makes sense to me but might not to the tourist visitor...  Love the dog stuff!  How about front paws and back paws instead of two and two.  Very unusual form.  I agree with Pat regarding that last stanza inthat it tells instead of showing... abrupt change from dog stanza.
    The poem takes a couple of readings to get into it.  I followed Elsa around the kitchen reading it to her and she asked for a repeat.  Format confused her at first glance... chicken soup is too salty... add can of broth.  Dewell

    dennis20
    Guest

    left handed pitching

    Post  dennis20 on Sat Mar 29, 2014 9:36 pm

    Todd,  To answer your questions and then to other things:  Both are negative, therefore, a positive outcome.  You are taking a backdoor approach with the title since church is made up of people who are active members. Then the glum and worry of week (weak) days in between.  A negative picture on the whole, but you have weaved a positive connotation with lap, dog, Master, shepherd, and my favorite-- slinging slobber.  I like the sounds there.  Reality sets in with the mundane situations of life painting the picture of how life should be faced.  Every day should be Sunday.  There shouldn't be a "set aside religious day" that is more special than all the others.  Take Sunday with us every day.  I like the feelings gleaned from this one.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Todd is now . . .

    Post  tsukany on Sun Mar 30, 2014 7:38 am

    "Slinging slobber"!  Thanks Dennis.  That is the impression I had hoped to leave the reader (there is a specific audience for this poem but I didn't want it to be mean or negative. . .completely).  If you find any weeds upon reflection, I'd love to hear them.  Thanks one and all.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Agreeing with Dennis. . . .

    Post  Pat on Sun Mar 30, 2014 8:17 am

    I think he captured what is true of your poem: taking Sunday with us into the every day. Aren't we all guilty of this? Of segmenting that one day off from the rest to REST, Worship, Praise even though we do carry ourselves (temple) into the everyday humdrum? Anyway, I think Dennis spoke for me too. We all love the slinging slobber, the joyful image you created. Today is Sunday. I hope to sling slobber today and on Mon, Tues, .....


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