The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    WIDOW'S COMPANION

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    WIDOW'S COMPANION

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Apr 24, 2014 9:49 pm

    I need all the help I can get on this one.  Some folks think it is depressing... I think it is  humorus reality.  But I'm surrounded with husbands passing and widows weeping in this "over-55-park."  HELP.  Dewell


    WIDOW’S COMPANION



    They give her condolences,

    hugs, casseroles and a small

    box of ashes.



    What about the rest of the love?



    Shards of memories, bits of guilt,

    hopes and dreams, plans for

    great-grand kid’s graduation.



    A dog!





    Everyone says get a dog,

    a companion, security. Dog owners

    live longer, cleaner lives.



    She becomes a dog owner to

    still the worried chatter. She

    trims human disappointment,



    transmogrifies it into dog love.

    All that’s left is hair and slobber.

    Easier to clean up than the



    leavings of a grungy old man.



    -Dewell H. Byrd

    dennis20
    Guest

    It's a dog's world

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Apr 25, 2014 8:30 am

    Dewell,  Yes, I think you border on depression in this one.  I think the concept is right on, however.  This is happening in the here and now and a good poet will address it.  You probably need to lighten up a bit to this audience.  You seem to teeter between being personal and not.  For instance, the gifts good neighbors and family bring to those grieving in the first para then the less personal of saying great-grand kid. Why not say ggson. This would be in keeping with the first picture.  The dog concept is great and natural in many cases. You jump right into TELLING us all about it.  Show us, don't tell us. If you revamp the part where you orate about "dog owners live longer" and "she becomes a dog owner"  I think it would be more appealing.  You know, something about "Little Muffy" from the pound or something. This makes it more personal. The "grungy man" would have to go in this scenario. Now, on the other hand,  If you wanted to make it humorus don't do anything with the personal touch. It should picture the chaff she has felt for years from the grungy old man and now she is going to enjoy life with his insurance policy money or something like that.  Keep writing.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I removed some spaces

    Post  tsukany on Sun Apr 27, 2014 7:46 am

    and maybe a line or three.

    WIDOW’S COMPANION

    They give her condolences,
    hugs, casseroles and a small 
    box of ashes.

    The rest of her love?
    Shards of memories, bits of guilt,
    hopes and dreams, plans for
    great-grand kid’s graduation.

    Everyone says get a dog,
    a companion, security. Dog owners
    live longer, cleaner lives.

    She trims human disappointment,
    transmogrifies it into dog love. 
    Much easier to clean up than the
    droppings of a grungy old man.

    -Dewell H. Byrd

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I've heard this: "Get a dog. . . " People actually do say this!

    Post  Pat on Mon Apr 28, 2014 5:41 pm

    I think they problem-solve for the grief stricken, so they won't have to listen to it any more, but maybe that's just me thinking they try to fix the unfixable.  The widow has to grieve and it takes a year or two to do that.  

    1st stanza:  I'd go for a more active verb:   how about hand her. . . .this and that.  Condolences:  I wondered about:  He's not sick anymore.
    Say the condolence rather than naming it.  ????

    2nd St:  hopes and dreams:  might just want to name a dream or hope:  like--- morsels of a dream, a long planned trip to a graduation.  I know it is family, probably a ggchild.

    I'm smiling at the poem:  3rd stanza could be:  No more sackcloth and ashes!  Get a dog, etc.

    Last stanza:  She trims her grief (maybe sadness);   the music:  I'd say doggie love.
    I like what Todd did:  the droppings. 

    Dewell, it is funny.  It is real and funny.  People are funny.

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