Sorry I'm Late. Is the tone too much?

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Sorry I'm Late. Is the tone too much?

Post  tsukany on Sun Apr 27, 2014 7:40 am

Surviving in a World of "Who am I?"

One must dig deep to uncover the scars
disguised by glitz and glam.  Often, the steps

start as a man who one dark-night walk
through college suburbia, shares thoughts

of divorce.  Preacher or no, his love is gone
and the couple must shred.  Now twenty years

have passed, the seed was planted deep.

--Sukany 24 April 2014


Last edited by tsukany on Sun Apr 27, 2014 8:36 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Ten points off for tardiness

Post  dennis20 on Sun Apr 27, 2014 7:26 pm

Todd,  I guess you and Pat (and Pat L) had too much fun. I need to try harder to make one of those retreats. That said.   I am not sure what you are asking for by "tone."  I don't know that I can equate glitz and glam into the picture of life where it is normal or even hard.  Had the twenty years not been introduced I would have suggested time here. It is vague enough that I am not sure if the marriage survived or if that seed sprouted and lasted the course--divorce. I guess, being the eternal optimist, I want a happy ending. It would have been clearer to me if the last sentence had preceded the "preacher or no..." picture.  Actually, this is clearer to me:

...of divorce. Now twenty year have passed.
Preacher or no,his love is gone and the couple (or marriage)
must shred. The seed was planted deep.

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Response to "Surviving. . . 'Who Am I?' "

Post  Pat on Mon Apr 28, 2014 10:41 pm

I wonder about the question:  maybe it's Who Am I Now?  With the loss of a mate (which is gone before the paperwork even starts), people must refigure who they are now.  (According to the world, I suppose.)

The trouble with glitz and glam may be that the tone is light and has a "who cares?" tone.  (I wonder if distraction or burying self in work wouldn't work better for this topic.)

Often?  Do you need this?  It makes it seem philosophical to me.  Whoa. . . One?  That word distances me from the person.  What if you zoom in for a close shot and say He. . . .?  He must dig deep. . . He walks through. . . .

I paused at the word shred.  Hmmm.  This is a married couple.  We are not talking about a document or decree, are we?   I would think in terms of two committed people, a couple who'd once taken a vow:  tearing flesh?  When they get married, they talk about bone of my bone, two becoming one, etc.  When they divorce, is it tearing flesh?  or something horrific like that.  Show the misery. 

Would it be the seed was planted deep or the vow was planted deep?  I guess seed is the dream marriage, but everyone always takes a vow, whether we break it or keep it.  This is about brokenness to me, the reader.

This is a hard topic to write about, but I think if you focus on the specifics and not become philosophical, the reader will stay right with you.

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What if I change nothing but line breaks?

Post  tsukany on Tue Apr 29, 2014 5:45 am

Surviving in a World of "Who am I?"

One must dig deep to uncover the scars
disguised by glitz and glam.  

Often, the steps start as a man who 
one dark-night walk through college suburbia, 
shares thoughts of divorce.  Preacher or no, 
his love is gone and the couple must shred.  

Now twenty years have passed, 
the seed was planted deep.
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Sounds like you

Post  Pat on Tue Apr 29, 2014 7:55 am

are highly attached to this ugly baby, as is.  Fine by me!  Just cover her face when you take her out in public so she does NOT scare the dogs!  : ) Smile 

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LOL

Post  tsukany on Tue Apr 29, 2014 6:06 pm

I may have a new found poem.  Smile  Thanks Pat



Sounds Like You*
(Pat D. responds to a poet’s revision defense)

. . . highly attached to this ugly baby,
as is?
Fine by me

Just cover her face and whisper
when you take her out in public
so she does NOT frighten the pups

*Found poem

--Sukany 29 April 2014


Last edited by tsukany on Tue Apr 29, 2014 7:30 pm; edited 3 times in total
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I applaud you!

Post  Pat on Tue Apr 29, 2014 6:48 pm

And thanks for having a good sense of humor.   Razz

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When someone gives

Post  dennis20 on Wed Apr 30, 2014 10:34 am

You lemons squeeze them and--you know the rest.   In case you don't let me help.  Apply the juice to the wrinkles under your eyes.  The results will either make you cry or smile.

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Todd's Sparce Poem

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Apr 30, 2014 11:00 am

I have muddled through what you guys say about this poem.  Here's my conjecture:
Poet's father, a minister, shares thoughts of divorce with offspring.  Years later the poet faces same thoughts in his life.... If I got what the poet intended then the TONE is just right.  If not... well, back to the drawing board.  I sense some harsh reality in this piece.  Dewell

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Dewell

Post  Admin on Wed Apr 30, 2014 12:15 pm

Your assessment tracks nicely with my intentions.  The example of the poem is not my father but a minister friend i had in college.  Not to drag this ugly dog through more mud, but was either version more helpful to your conclusion?

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