Looking at a couple lines being "clunky"

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Looking at a couple lines being "clunky"

Post  tsukany on Thu May 29, 2014 7:16 am

Goslings

Stretched out on evening pavement,
two siblings rest,

their yellow down
like sunset.  Perhaps

they were spooked
by a runner and

they followed mom,
honking a warning

they were too young
to interpret,  Papa turned left

into an open field and
toward calmer waters . . . guess

the herd dog nabbed
one, then the other,

before heading home
to share her wild side.

--Sukany 19 May 2014
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Goslings

Post  Pat on Sat May 31, 2014 11:52 pm

We both wrote about birds! Yours, a sad ending.
Couplets seem to fit this poem.
Being picky here: I'd drop their in 2nd couplet; Perhaps seems to weaken it for me.
3rd couplet: might consider a sound word here because something spooked them, probably a sound rather than what they saw?; and? or but?; when I saw runner, I thought person running; (Spooked by a runner, / they. . . )?
4th couplet: they followed or trailed? (just messing with your words. . . )
5th couplet: comma or period?
6th couplet: I'd consider replacing and with a comma
7th couplet: I really like the word nabbed. A twist!
8th couplet: you got me! wild side. : ) A double twist!
Nature is soooo hard. Definitely, survival of the fittest and fastest. We dealt with a copperhead today. : (





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Pat . . . best to see all versions I think

Post  tsukany on Sun Jun 01, 2014 9:56 am

Goslings

Stretched out on evening pavement,
two siblings rest,

yellow down
like sunset.  Perhaps

they were scattered
by a runner and

they trailed mom,
honking a warning

they were too young
to interpret; Papa turned left

into an open field,
toward calmer waters . . . guess

the herd dog nabbed
one, then the other,

before heading home
to share her wild side.

--Sukany 19 May 2014
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I don't see or hear clunky in this version.

Post  Pat on Sun Jun 01, 2014 3:04 pm

Its sweetness and bite still there. Actually, for a short poem, it presents a big story with 4 or 5 characters. Hard to do. Good job.

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Goslings...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Jun 02, 2014 11:56 am

Just too many characters for me to follow without more info.  Color me confused.  Are there five characters here?
I would suggest a clearer story line.  And papa seems to signal a whole 'nuther poem.
Sorry, Todd. I can't help much until I unconfuse my head.  However, I do like the suggestions Pat made.
Maybe I'm just wearing my "prose poem" hat today.  Monday, you know.  Dewell

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Goslings...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Tue Jun 03, 2014 5:27 pm

Confused, yes, but I'm not giving up...
Still wrestling with this poem... Tuesday, Dewell

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Dewell

Post  tsukany on Tue Jun 03, 2014 5:50 pm

What about a "prose" version?

Goslings

Two siblings rest, stretched out on evening pavement, yellow down like a sunset.  Perhaps they were scattered by a runner and they trailed mom, honking a warning they were too young to interpret; Papa turned left into an open field, toward calmer waters . . . guess the herd dog nabbed one, then the other, before heading home to share her wild side.

--Sukany 19 May 2014
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Goslings...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Tue Jun 03, 2014 6:11 pm

I GOT IT!
Thanks, Todd.
Dewell

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