The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Looking at a couple lines being "clunky"

    Share
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Looking at a couple lines being "clunky"

    Post  tsukany on Thu May 29, 2014 7:16 am

    Goslings

    Stretched out on evening pavement,
    two siblings rest,

    their yellow down
    like sunset.  Perhaps

    they were spooked
    by a runner and

    they followed mom,
    honking a warning

    they were too young
    to interpret,  Papa turned left

    into an open field and
    toward calmer waters . . . guess

    the herd dog nabbed
    one, then the other,

    before heading home
    to share her wild side.

    --Sukany 19 May 2014

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Goslings

    Post  Pat on Sat May 31, 2014 11:52 pm

    We both wrote about birds! Yours, a sad ending.
    Couplets seem to fit this poem.
    Being picky here: I'd drop their in 2nd couplet; Perhaps seems to weaken it for me.
    3rd couplet: might consider a sound word here because something spooked them, probably a sound rather than what they saw?; and? or but?; when I saw runner, I thought person running; (Spooked by a runner, / they. . . )?
    4th couplet: they followed or trailed? (just messing with your words. . . )
    5th couplet: comma or period?
    6th couplet: I'd consider replacing and with a comma
    7th couplet: I really like the word nabbed. A twist!
    8th couplet: you got me! wild side. : ) A double twist!
    Nature is soooo hard. Definitely, survival of the fittest and fastest. We dealt with a copperhead today. : (




    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Pat . . . best to see all versions I think

    Post  tsukany on Sun Jun 01, 2014 9:56 am

    Goslings

    Stretched out on evening pavement,
    two siblings rest,

    yellow down
    like sunset.  Perhaps

    they were scattered
    by a runner and

    they trailed mom,
    honking a warning

    they were too young
    to interpret; Papa turned left

    into an open field,
    toward calmer waters . . . guess

    the herd dog nabbed
    one, then the other,

    before heading home
    to share her wild side.

    --Sukany 19 May 2014

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I don't see or hear clunky in this version.

    Post  Pat on Sun Jun 01, 2014 3:04 pm

    Its sweetness and bite still there. Actually, for a short poem, it presents a big story with 4 or 5 characters. Hard to do. Good job.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Goslings...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Jun 02, 2014 11:56 am

    Just too many characters for me to follow without more info.  Color me confused.  Are there five characters here?
    I would suggest a clearer story line.  And papa seems to signal a whole 'nuther poem.
    Sorry, Todd. I can't help much until I unconfuse my head.  However, I do like the suggestions Pat made.
    Maybe I'm just wearing my "prose poem" hat today.  Monday, you know.  Dewell

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Goslings...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Tue Jun 03, 2014 5:27 pm

    Confused, yes, but I'm not giving up...
    Still wrestling with this poem... Tuesday, Dewell
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Dewell

    Post  tsukany on Tue Jun 03, 2014 5:50 pm

    What about a "prose" version?

    Goslings

    Two siblings rest, stretched out on evening pavement, yellow down like a sunset.  Perhaps they were scattered by a runner and they trailed mom, honking a warning they were too young to interpret; Papa turned left into an open field, toward calmer waters . . . guess the herd dog nabbed one, then the other, before heading home to share her wild side.

    --Sukany 19 May 2014

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Goslings...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Tue Jun 03, 2014 6:11 pm

    I GOT IT!
    Thanks, Todd.
    Dewell

    Sponsored content

    Re: Looking at a couple lines being "clunky"

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Sat Jul 21, 2018 2:44 am