Trying to draw a parallel here . . . .

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Trying to draw a parallel here . . . .

Post  Pat on Fri May 30, 2014 12:01 pm

Grackles, Resting

Noontime.
We stop at a rest area,
a place screaming
with a caravan of slow-flapping,
snattering, chattering grackles,
resting and taking a living
wherever they can.
A strong stench engulfs us—
dots of white poop
everywhere
slung sideways in the air
by birds
wearing shiny black frocks.

We hold noses and run back
to the vehicle. Safe again,
we rejoin
the thundering caravan
whizzing along in long lines
on an interstate where
thousands rumble eastward
toward Shreveport on I-20.
One behind the other,
we follow in loose formation,
staring ahead, zooming,
expelling feces,
polluting.

Pat

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Couple Suggestions

Post  tsukany on Sun Jun 01, 2014 5:57 am

Pat

Drawing parallels is a fine exercise here.  This poem should be fun to finish.

I would consider having the second word of the title hint to the second stanza.  (if not, then let the title be read as part of the first line)
I would remove redundancy in the first stanza (grackles birds  I think there are others)

First lines are vital.  "Noontime" may not cause a reader to continue.  I know you are giving "setting" information but that detail can be tucked in anywhere.  I think the "we" can be removed quite easily:

Grackles, Resting


as a noontime caravan of slow-flapping, 
snattering, chattering, squatters, 


After the first stanza is complete, I'd suggest looking at following those line formations for the second stanza (keep the content the same as much as possible).

Hope you'll post a revision since Dennis may be late joining us this month.
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2nd attempt . . . .

Post  Pat on Sun Jun 01, 2014 8:21 am

Helpful. Thank you for suggestions. What else? I think my poems are never done. . . . just in process. Even when in print!!

Grackles, Resting

as a noontime caravan of
slow-flapping, chattering,
snattering squatters
scream and take a living
wherever they can.
A strong stench permeates
the rest stop—
dots of white poop
everywhere
slung sideways in the air
by those wearing shiny
black frocks.

People big-eyed
hold noses and run back to
vehicles. Not yet safe
from the stench,
this thundering band
races to join long, long lines
on an interstate where
thousands drive east
like geese toward Shreveport.
One behind the other,
they expel exhaust--
vapors blown out and up
by those staring ahead
enclosed in shiny
colorful cars.

Pat

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I like

Post  tsukany on Sun Jun 01, 2014 10:00 am

Pat

I like the first stanza (though "strong stench" seems redundant).  I long for more parallelism in the second stanza . . . from the title (people bug-eyed though not a "bird" word) to the ending (the ending is quite parallel I believe)

Todd
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I'll come back to it. . . .tomorrow.

Post  Pat on Sun Jun 01, 2014 2:54 pm

I Did NOT SEE that I'd said stench twice. . . . too close to it, I suppose. New eyes tomorrow. Thanks for your help. Good thoughts. This is closer to what I'm working toward, the parallelism. Just not there yet. . . .

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Grackles, Resting

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Jun 02, 2014 12:13 pm

I like this parallel poem... only a few years ago grackles were primarily a concern of Mexico... now spreading north into U.S....
I saw a pair in Salt Lake City recently... messy, vulgar beasties.... consider adding the stench to the end of the poem...
and second word of title should relate to the second stanza... maybe... I don't know if this is helpful but when grackles
roost they molt... and vehicles "molt" debris, rubber, trash along the freeway.... can you make line length similar
in both stanzas?
Thanks for sharing.  Dewell

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I actually don't know much about grackles, so

Post  Pat on Mon Jun 02, 2014 12:52 pm

I thank you, Dewell, for the info. And thanks for idea about resting in both stanzas and the stinky at the end. Hope to get back to it today, but. . .






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