The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Trying to draw a parallel here . . . .

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    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Trying to draw a parallel here . . . .

    Post  Pat on Fri May 30, 2014 12:01 pm

    Grackles, Resting

    Noontime.
    We stop at a rest area,
    a place screaming
    with a caravan of slow-flapping,
    snattering, chattering grackles,
    resting and taking a living
    wherever they can.
    A strong stench engulfs us—
    dots of white poop
    everywhere
    slung sideways in the air
    by birds
    wearing shiny black frocks.

    We hold noses and run back
    to the vehicle. Safe again,
    we rejoin
    the thundering caravan
    whizzing along in long lines
    on an interstate where
    thousands rumble eastward
    toward Shreveport on I-20.
    One behind the other,
    we follow in loose formation,
    staring ahead, zooming,
    expelling feces,
    polluting.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Couple Suggestions

    Post  tsukany on Sun Jun 01, 2014 5:57 am

    Pat

    Drawing parallels is a fine exercise here.  This poem should be fun to finish.

    I would consider having the second word of the title hint to the second stanza.  (if not, then let the title be read as part of the first line)
    I would remove redundancy in the first stanza (grackles birds  I think there are others)

    First lines are vital.  "Noontime" may not cause a reader to continue.  I know you are giving "setting" information but that detail can be tucked in anywhere.  I think the "we" can be removed quite easily:

    Grackles, Resting


    as a noontime caravan of slow-flapping, 
    snattering, chattering, squatters, 


    After the first stanza is complete, I'd suggest looking at following those line formations for the second stanza (keep the content the same as much as possible).

    Hope you'll post a revision since Dennis may be late joining us this month.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    2nd attempt . . . .

    Post  Pat on Sun Jun 01, 2014 8:21 am

    Helpful. Thank you for suggestions. What else? I think my poems are never done. . . . just in process. Even when in print!!

    Grackles, Resting

    as a noontime caravan of
    slow-flapping, chattering,
    snattering squatters
    scream and take a living
    wherever they can.
    A strong stench permeates
    the rest stop—
    dots of white poop
    everywhere
    slung sideways in the air
    by those wearing shiny
    black frocks.

    People big-eyed
    hold noses and run back to
    vehicles. Not yet safe
    from the stench,
    this thundering band
    races to join long, long lines
    on an interstate where
    thousands drive east
    like geese toward Shreveport.
    One behind the other,
    they expel exhaust--
    vapors blown out and up
    by those staring ahead
    enclosed in shiny
    colorful cars.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I like

    Post  tsukany on Sun Jun 01, 2014 10:00 am

    Pat

    I like the first stanza (though "strong stench" seems redundant).  I long for more parallelism in the second stanza . . . from the title (people bug-eyed though not a "bird" word) to the ending (the ending is quite parallel I believe)

    Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I'll come back to it. . . .tomorrow.

    Post  Pat on Sun Jun 01, 2014 2:54 pm

    I Did NOT SEE that I'd said stench twice. . . . too close to it, I suppose. New eyes tomorrow. Thanks for your help. Good thoughts. This is closer to what I'm working toward, the parallelism. Just not there yet. . . .

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Grackles, Resting

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Jun 02, 2014 12:13 pm

    I like this parallel poem... only a few years ago grackles were primarily a concern of Mexico... now spreading north into U.S....
    I saw a pair in Salt Lake City recently... messy, vulgar beasties.... consider adding the stench to the end of the poem...
    and second word of title should relate to the second stanza... maybe... I don't know if this is helpful but when grackles
    roost they molt... and vehicles "molt" debris, rubber, trash along the freeway.... can you make line length similar
    in both stanzas?
    Thanks for sharing.  Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I actually don't know much about grackles, so

    Post  Pat on Mon Jun 02, 2014 12:52 pm

    I thank you, Dewell, for the info. And thanks for idea about resting in both stanzas and the stinky at the end. Hope to get back to it today, but. . .






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