Trying one more time.

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Trying one more time.

Post  Pat on Tue Jun 03, 2014 8:55 pm

Dewell, I hear what you are saying about tires and litter, and I tried it, but it became cumbersome.  Thanks for the ideas though.  Here,
I tried what both of you suggested on the title. . . .  is this better????  I used sideways on purpose in both stanzas.  Good idea or not?  I had "out and up" but. . . .   Or do I just need to go to jail?  

   Grackles, Resting

as a caravan of
slow-flapping, chattering,
snattering squatters
screaming and taking a living
wherever they can.  
A strong stench permeates
the rest stop—
dots of white poop
everywhere
slung sideways in the air
by those parading about
in shiny black frocks.

Grackles resting
watch people holding noses,  
hurrying back to parking lots,
thundering off like noisy bands
to join long, long lines
on an interstate where
thousands drive east
toward Shreveport.
One behind the other,
they expel exhaust—
rankness
blowing sideways
by those staring ahead
enclosed inside shiny
colorful cars.

Pat

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This is more what I was thinking (pasting excluded)

Post  tsukany on Wed Jun 04, 2014 3:19 pm

Grackles, Resting

as a caravan of 
slow-flapping, chattering,
snattering squatters 
screaming and taking a living
wherever they can.  
An earthy stench soaks
the rest stop—
dots of white poop 
everywhere 
slung sideways in the air 
by those parading about 
in shiny black frocks.

People, rushing 
as a caravan of
blinker tapping, thundering,
cussing sitters
racing and joining a long, long
line toward Shreveport.
An oily stench exhausts
the rest stop— 
blots of white waste 
everywhere
tossed sideways out of hands
by those staring ahead
in shiny colored cars.
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tsukany

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I am just now getting back to this. . . .

Post  Pat on Fri Jun 06, 2014 10:30 am

after a funeral, a broken crown (tooth!), taking care of this and that, storms, dealing with a High-maintenance sister! Just ran out of steam and had to crash.

Now I am in better shape:

I am amazed at what you did to my poem. I like it so much. The word I like repeated is caravan. How many times did I have to revise to find that word???? A bunch.

This just says to me: I need to keep on keeping on, keep throwing my poems at you guys. Thank you soooo much. Amazing.

What else can I say to tell you? Thank you soo much. You three guys are so appreciated.

Pat

Pat

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And you know, as we retype, we see so much more. . .

Post  Pat on Fri Jun 06, 2014 10:51 am

caravan, everywhere, the litter, the parallel of sitters, the stench. How you used exhaust as a verb! Thank you for encouraging me onward. I like it, I like it, I like it. : )

And Dewell, your word litter became so important. I look back. . . . it all helps.

Appreciation. . .

Pat

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Litter is sweet

Post  tsukany on Fri Jun 06, 2014 10:54 am

Pat

I think replacing white waste with white litter will grab the ear with sitter earlier in the second stanza.

Well done
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Yep!

Post  Pat on Fri Jun 06, 2014 11:01 am

And well-done to all of us!

Pat

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