The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Trying one more time.

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    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Trying one more time.

    Post  Pat on Tue Jun 03, 2014 8:55 pm

    Dewell, I hear what you are saying about tires and litter, and I tried it, but it became cumbersome.  Thanks for the ideas though.  Here,
    I tried what both of you suggested on the title. . . .  is this better????  I used sideways on purpose in both stanzas.  Good idea or not?  I had "out and up" but. . . .   Or do I just need to go to jail?  

       Grackles, Resting

    as a caravan of
    slow-flapping, chattering,
    snattering squatters
    screaming and taking a living
    wherever they can.  
    A strong stench permeates
    the rest stop—
    dots of white poop
    everywhere
    slung sideways in the air
    by those parading about
    in shiny black frocks.

    Grackles resting
    watch people holding noses,  
    hurrying back to parking lots,
    thundering off like noisy bands
    to join long, long lines
    on an interstate where
    thousands drive east
    toward Shreveport.
    One behind the other,
    they expel exhaust—
    rankness
    blowing sideways
    by those staring ahead
    enclosed inside shiny
    colorful cars.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    This is more what I was thinking (pasting excluded)

    Post  tsukany on Wed Jun 04, 2014 3:19 pm

    Grackles, Resting

    as a caravan of 
    slow-flapping, chattering,
    snattering squatters 
    screaming and taking a living
    wherever they can.  
    An earthy stench soaks
    the rest stop—
    dots of white poop 
    everywhere 
    slung sideways in the air 
    by those parading about 
    in shiny black frocks.

    People, rushing 
    as a caravan of
    blinker tapping, thundering,
    cussing sitters
    racing and joining a long, long
    line toward Shreveport.
    An oily stench exhausts
    the rest stop— 
    blots of white waste 
    everywhere
    tossed sideways out of hands
    by those staring ahead
    in shiny colored cars.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I am just now getting back to this. . . .

    Post  Pat on Fri Jun 06, 2014 10:30 am

    after a funeral, a broken crown (tooth!), taking care of this and that, storms, dealing with a High-maintenance sister! Just ran out of steam and had to crash.

    Now I am in better shape:

    I am amazed at what you did to my poem. I like it so much. The word I like repeated is caravan. How many times did I have to revise to find that word???? A bunch.

    This just says to me: I need to keep on keeping on, keep throwing my poems at you guys. Thank you soooo much. Amazing.

    What else can I say to tell you? Thank you soo much. You three guys are so appreciated.

    Pat

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    And you know, as we retype, we see so much more. . .

    Post  Pat on Fri Jun 06, 2014 10:51 am

    caravan, everywhere, the litter, the parallel of sitters, the stench. How you used exhaust as a verb! Thank you for encouraging me onward. I like it, I like it, I like it. : )

    And Dewell, your word litter became so important. I look back. . . . it all helps.

    Appreciation. . .
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Litter is sweet

    Post  tsukany on Fri Jun 06, 2014 10:54 am

    Pat

    I think replacing white waste with white litter will grab the ear with sitter earlier in the second stanza.

    Well done

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Yep!

    Post  Pat on Fri Jun 06, 2014 11:01 am

    And well-done to all of us!

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