The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Looking for redundancies

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    tsukany

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Looking for redundancies

    Post  tsukany on Thu Jun 26, 2014 7:08 pm

    Black-and-White Marks

    settle on a page, or computer
    screen.  In combination, words
    might unsettle, inflame, pour out
    passion or ignorance in equal measures.

    Certainly, these black-and-whites
    hold no inherent power to create, say,

    poppets of violet, orange, and Susans
    in a waving sea of Queen Anne’s Lace
    that fill a ditch where clover-drunk bees match
    the metered strides of a jog in dew-filled dawn.

    --Sukany 18 June 2014

    dennis20
    Guest

    Redundancies, I've had a few...

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Jun 27, 2014 10:09 am

    Todd,  Good picture and I like the setting of dew-filled dawn.  We walk about two miles each morning and see the neighbors off to work. Makes me wish I had a job, NOT!  I couldn't do the early walks if I had the job, but that isn't the only reason.  You probably don't need the "or computer screen" since the thought is the marks being exhibited for eyes to observe.  I know, since we now use computers for paper you are just modernizing the thougth. However, if I were an appointed judge and was issuing a decision I would point out you didn't include tablet or for that matter an IPHONE or any other modern device which is used for writing.  Which brings me to the thought of texting.  I'm glad you didn't txt the msg 2 us.  I hope as poets we don't get into that!  Anyway,  a long way around to say I like it and by being concise you don't have much fat in your poem.

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Nice images here. . . .

    Post  Pat on Fri Jun 27, 2014 10:31 am

    I'd choose page or computer. Just one, for the reader's sake.
    Do you need "in equal measures." Flowers and bees are not in equal measures either.

    I like poppets of violet. . . . Don't know that I ever hear poppets, but I looked it up. I like it.

    Dew-filled dawn: nice sounds. Nice image.

    Are they marks or letters? I wonder what the reader will do with the word "marks."

    I like the contrast. There's the writer, then there is God. You said it without saying it. I like that. Not preachy.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 374
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    LOOKING FOR RED....

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Jun 28, 2014 6:16 pm

    Images are beautiful... they invite me into the poem.
    Redundancies?  delete computer screen... leads me astray
    and not helpful in the poem...
    I like the pace of this piece until I hit "jog"...
    The bees and I can't keep up.
    Would you consider walk or stroll?

    I like the backstory of creating...
    Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    After reading what Dewell wrote,

    Post  Pat on Sat Jun 28, 2014 9:20 pm

    I remembered my initial knee-jerk reaction to the word "jog" in this poem. Stopped me. Thought I'd tell you.

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