Looking for redundancies

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Looking for redundancies

Post  tsukany on Thu Jun 26, 2014 7:08 pm

Black-and-White Marks

settle on a page, or computer
screen.  In combination, words
might unsettle, inflame, pour out
passion or ignorance in equal measures.

Certainly, these black-and-whites
hold no inherent power to create, say,

poppets of violet, orange, and Susans
in a waving sea of Queen Anne’s Lace
that fill a ditch where clover-drunk bees match
the metered strides of a jog in dew-filled dawn.

--Sukany 18 June 2014
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Redundancies, I've had a few...

Post  dennis20 on Fri Jun 27, 2014 10:09 am

Todd,  Good picture and I like the setting of dew-filled dawn.  We walk about two miles each morning and see the neighbors off to work. Makes me wish I had a job, NOT!  I couldn't do the early walks if I had the job, but that isn't the only reason.  You probably don't need the "or computer screen" since the thought is the marks being exhibited for eyes to observe.  I know, since we now use computers for paper you are just modernizing the thougth. However, if I were an appointed judge and was issuing a decision I would point out you didn't include tablet or for that matter an IPHONE or any other modern device which is used for writing.  Which brings me to the thought of texting.  I'm glad you didn't txt the msg 2 us.  I hope as poets we don't get into that!  Anyway,  a long way around to say I like it and by being concise you don't have much fat in your poem.

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Nice images here. . . .

Post  Pat on Fri Jun 27, 2014 10:31 am

I'd choose page or computer. Just one, for the reader's sake.
Do you need "in equal measures." Flowers and bees are not in equal measures either.

I like poppets of violet. . . . Don't know that I ever hear poppets, but I looked it up. I like it.

Dew-filled dawn: nice sounds. Nice image.

Are they marks or letters? I wonder what the reader will do with the word "marks."

I like the contrast. There's the writer, then there is God. You said it without saying it. I like that. Not preachy.

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LOOKING FOR RED....

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Jun 28, 2014 6:16 pm

Images are beautiful... they invite me into the poem.
Redundancies?  delete computer screen... leads me astray
and not helpful in the poem...
I like the pace of this piece until I hit "jog"...
The bees and I can't keep up.
Would you consider walk or stroll?

I like the backstory of creating...
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After reading what Dewell wrote,

Post  Pat on Sat Jun 28, 2014 9:20 pm

I remembered my initial knee-jerk reaction to the word "jog" in this poem. Stopped me. Thought I'd tell you.

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Re: Looking for redundancies

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