Is the comparrison obvious enough?

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Is the comparrison obvious enough?

Post  dennis20 on Fri Jun 27, 2014 9:21 am

Good to be back, gang.  Seems like months since I've been here.  

Tornado After Easter
 
Sunday after Easter,
three broken ragged trees
near an empty open slab
where a house stood, loom leafless.
 
Fifteen dead souls and heaps of rubble
strewn over forty miles
from two-hundred mile an hour winds
mark a path of omious destruction.
 
Imagine their loss
some two-thousand years ago--
the savior hanging on a cross--
innocent, between two thieves.

dennis20
Guest


Back to top Go down

Comparison is pretty good. . . .

Post  Pat on Fri Jun 27, 2014 10:14 am

Stanza 1: last two lines. . . played with it: wonder if looming leafless needs to be closer to trees. Something seems off. where a house once stood?
Stanza 2: line 1: I'd drop "and" and comma; two-hundred mile winds; marking?; ominous? (sp)
Stanza 3: line 1: their or the? line 2: I'd use a colon after ago: instead of the m-dash. Just picky, picky.

Yes, I think the world is temporarily devastated by both.

Pat

Posts : 538
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Too much for me. :)

Post  tsukany on Sat Jun 28, 2014 7:25 am

In the interest of being less lucid, I'd back off a gear or two.  I like the comparison but I'd ask you to trust the reader.

Tornado After Easter
 
Sunday after Easter,  (I'd cut after Easter since it's in the title)
three broken ragged trees
near an empty open slab  (Empty open" is an odd combination.  It stops me each time)
where a house stood, loom leafless.  (is "loom" for alliteration?  does it modify house?)
 
Fifteen dead souls and heaps of rubble
strewn over forty miles
from two-hundred mile an hour winds  (This detail doesn't seem as emotional as the deaths.  Is that intentional?)
mark a path of omious destruction.
 
Imagine their loss (Is the antecedent of "their" the trees or the souls or the town?)
some two-thousand years ago--
the savior hanging on a cross--
innocent, between two thieves.  (How closely is the reader to track the trees and the three on the crosses?  Who are the innocent?  Who are the thieves?)
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 508
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Comparisons, compare

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Jun 28, 2014 6:45 pm

Keep Easter... it gives me a sense that something relevant is coming.. (foreshadowing).
leaves is out of place in the context...
and the slab doesn't help me get to the comparison... is there a better word?
Not clear who or what is innocent... that's such a judgment word, innocent.

Dennis, I think you are on to something special here.  Hang (hone) in there.
Dewell

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 305
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 86
Location : Central Point, OR

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Is the comparrison obvious enough?

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum