The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Is the comparrison obvious enough?

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    dennis20
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    Is the comparrison obvious enough? Empty Is the comparrison obvious enough?

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Jun 27, 2014 9:21 am

    Good to be back, gang.  Seems like months since I've been here.  

    Tornado After Easter
     
    Sunday after Easter,
    three broken ragged trees
    near an empty open slab
    where a house stood, loom leafless.
     
    Fifteen dead souls and heaps of rubble
    strewn over forty miles
    from two-hundred mile an hour winds
    mark a path of omious destruction.
     
    Imagine their loss
    some two-thousand years ago--
    the savior hanging on a cross--
    innocent, between two thieves.
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    Pat

    Posts : 719
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Is the comparrison obvious enough? Empty Comparison is pretty good. . . .

    Post  Pat on Fri Jun 27, 2014 10:14 am

    Stanza 1: last two lines. . . played with it: wonder if looming leafless needs to be closer to trees. Something seems off. where a house once stood?
    Stanza 2: line 1: I'd drop "and" and comma; two-hundred mile winds; marking?; ominous? (sp)
    Stanza 3: line 1: their or the? line 2: I'd use a colon after ago: instead of the m-dash. Just picky, picky.

    Yes, I think the world is temporarily devastated by both.
    tsukany
    tsukany

    Posts : 641
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Is the comparrison obvious enough? Empty Too much for me. :)

    Post  tsukany on Sat Jun 28, 2014 7:25 am

    In the interest of being less lucid, I'd back off a gear or two.  I like the comparison but I'd ask you to trust the reader.

    Tornado After Easter
     
    Sunday after Easter,  (I'd cut after Easter since it's in the title)
    three broken ragged trees
    near an empty open slab  (Empty open" is an odd combination.  It stops me each time)
    where a house stood, loom leafless.  (is "loom" for alliteration?  does it modify house?)
     
    Fifteen dead souls and heaps of rubble
    strewn over forty miles
    from two-hundred mile an hour winds  (This detail doesn't seem as emotional as the deaths.  Is that intentional?)
    mark a path of omious destruction.
     
    Imagine their loss (Is the antecedent of "their" the trees or the souls or the town?)
    some two-thousand years ago--
    the savior hanging on a cross--
    innocent, between two thieves.  (How closely is the reader to track the trees and the three on the crosses?  Who are the innocent?  Who are the thieves?)
    avatar
    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 385
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 88
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Is the comparrison obvious enough? Empty Comparisons, compare

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Jun 28, 2014 6:45 pm

    Keep Easter... it gives me a sense that something relevant is coming.. (foreshadowing).
    leaves is out of place in the context...
    and the slab doesn't help me get to the comparison... is there a better word?
    Not clear who or what is innocent... that's such a judgment word, innocent.

    Dennis, I think you are on to something special here.  Hang (hone) in there.
    Dewell

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