The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Topic of the day

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    dennis20
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    Topic of the day

    Post  dennis20 on Tue Jul 22, 2014 1:55 pm

    298
    The owl screeches over cricket din.
    His head pivots slowly
    and looks for shiny black eyes
    in early evening glimmer.
     
    Like oars stirring waves
    his wings eddy currents
    while feathery bulk blots out
    moon shafts in a July road ditch.
     
    Grasp in one talon.
     
    Aftermath
     
    as fateful as carnage
    in a Ukraine field.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    TOPIC OF THE DAY

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Jul 27, 2014 3:39 pm

    Dennis, I like the way this poem jumps right into action... harsh reality...
    It is a POWERFUL piece!
    Stanza 1... try An owl instead of The owl.
    Love that second stanza... description... owl hovering, covering the kill
    trapped in talon...   Maybe delete road.
    Not sure the subtitle at end of AFTERMATH is needed.  Stanza break might be enough.
    Incidentally owls don't key on eyes... rather on movement and reflection from
    urine & droppings along the trail.... so says my BIO son.
    Good poem.  Dewell
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    tsukany

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    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Just thinking

    Post  tsukany on Wed Jul 30, 2014 8:17 am

    Dennis, I didn't write my initial comments when I first read your poem (I wish I had . . . I've been on a LONG, 7-day road trip to perform a wedding).  Now, I have to react to your poem while recovering from that journey.  

    I think the title needs to be something like (Flight 298) since there've already been more downed planes.  I like Dewell's challenge to the definite article.  (That resounds with an article [no pun intended] in _Poet's Market_ as well)  

    I seem to remember thinking that the players in the allegory/comparison were not as clear as I wanted.  For example, who [sick with puns this morning] is the owl? the mouse?  This a powerful moment to capture in words.

    Pat

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    Join date : 2011-09-12

    My thoughts about Topic of the Day

    Post  Pat on Wed Jul 30, 2014 12:34 pm

    I don't know if it was Robert Penn Warren or Ambrose Bierce who wrote about the hawk short story that stayed with me for decades, but it was like this, action packed and specific. If someone is reading this in 2020, will they know what you are talking about with the title? I need a little help with 298. You say Ukraine at the end, but I like the idea of putting Flight in front of numbers. Your verbs are wonderful: screeches, pivots. Evening is good time for the setting for the owl. I don't know what to do with Aftermath. It just sticks out to me. What if you make it part of last stanza? Maybe a colon after Aftermath: (and continue on?) I wonder what is being grasped in one talon. Could you enlighten me? Maybe it is so universal that it doesn't matter to the poet, but if we readers could read it on two levels with complete understanding, that'd be great help.

    The poem: really like it.

    dennis20
    Guest

    The times they are achangin'

    Post  dennis20 on Wed Jul 30, 2014 2:24 pm

    Thanks all for the thoughts.  When I first wrote this it was the only downed plane.  So Flight (I don't know the #) was mentioned just by the number of casualities. There were 298 people that died when the missle shot down the plane.  How violent the act.  I wanted to be as violent as possible thus the owl and mouse.  Predator and prey were representive of how brutal the act was and the references were 298 (people who were killed) and Ukraine (place where it happened.) Aftermath was in the talon or in the field within the bounds of war--an ugly sight in both cases.

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Oh, now I get it!

    Post  Pat on Wed Jul 30, 2014 3:46 pm

    The number of people. Helpful. Thanks. And yes, the times are changing. Did you know you can rent a drone?! Thanks, Dennis. I was intrigued by the poem.

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