The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    I hope you can relate to my poem. : )

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    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I hope you can relate to my poem. : )

    Post  Pat on Tue Jul 29, 2014 8:13 pm

    After A Squabble

    Unkind words rolled off tongues,
    and they walked into

    a great silence.  Each recognized
    this shadowy, barren wasteland.

    Not seeing a quick way out
    and no desire to wave a white flag,

    they allowed a great darkness
    to stay on

    like an unwanted relative
    pushing her way in.

    The woman’s habit was to wipe
    the table and put on a pot of soup;

    the man, to go outside and mow
    or hammer nails.

    Three hours of distant silence
    and an aching throat

    was more than the woman could bear.  
    She began winding through the room

    in a bright blue dress.  
    He watched her prepare the way.

    In time,
    she mentioned the horses running.

    He walked onto the porch
    and laughed.  

    The golden sun
    dabbled on wooden steps.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    What do you want from the reader?

    Post  tsukany on Wed Jul 30, 2014 7:57 am

    Pat . . .  What do you want me to take from the poem, as a reader?  a lesson?  a snicker?  That seems unclear to me.  You know what in this story is background and what is important.  To a reader, all details have equal importance.  We have no way to know the value of each word until the poet cues us.  I would suggest starting with the most important image or action and write from there.

    After A Squabble

    Unkind words rolled off tongues,  (If I heard this poem, "unkind words" would be what occurs AFTER the squabble)
    and they walked into (can this be line one?)

    a great silence.  Each recognized
    this shadowy, barren wasteland. (Is the poem about the couple or the silence?)

    Not seeing a quick way out
    and no desire to wave a white flag,

    they allowed a great darkness  (great silence/great darkness  The poem pits the couple against something other than themselves, making IT a common enemy)
    to stay on 

    like an unwanted relative 
    pushing her way in. 

    The woman’s habit was to wipe (You introduce another player in the stanza above and this stanza doesn't describe her.  The simile is interesting, but you left it hanging there alone)
    the table and put on a pot of soup;

    the man, to go outside and mow 
    or hammer nails.

    Three hours of distant silence
    and an aching throat 

    was more than the woman could bear.  
    She began winding through the room

    in a bright blue dress.  (This is a vivid detail that needs connection to engage the reader.)
    He watched her prepare the way.

    In time, 
    she mentioned the horses running. (This feels very random.  I found no "horse" reference above)

    He walked onto the porch
    and laughed.  

    The golden sun
    dabbled on wooden steps.

    dennis20
    Guest

    Who takes sides?

    Post  dennis20 on Thu Jul 31, 2014 9:50 am

    Pat,  I could see the picture, but I think you strayed afield by bringing in more than was necessary for the reader.  The horse and blue dress were added in with the golden sun.  You may have two poems here.  One describes the action which has taken place.  That would be down to where the unwanted relative pushes her way in.  Then a coping with the situation which has been created and remedy which lightens the "unkind words, great silence, and shadowy, barren wasteland."  Well, maybe I have opened it up to a better understanding (at least for me) by putting these things down on paper.  I guess I have delved into TONE that Todd was working on in his poem.  CRAP! now I can't just read a poem for what it shows me. I am into looking at the under tow as well.  I will be glad to finally meet Todd in Oct. and gripe at him for the things he teaches us.  Forced to grow, aren't we?

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Smiling

    Post  Pat on Thu Jul 31, 2014 10:19 am

    Yep, it's hard to be green and grow, but we are doing it. Todd helps that to happen. Really all of us help it to happen for each other. Sweet.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    SQUABBLE Pat's Poem

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Aug 03, 2014 1:11 pm

    Yep!  Been there, done that.  Walked away, mowed the lawn... alone, maybe sulking.  Pat, your poem hits home here.
    It does wander some with too many "players" introduced with heavy detail...
    Delete line....sun on porch... I get the dress, the mood changer, nice...poem says nothing about man's compromise
    or giving ground.  I like the couple leaving the squabble inside the house... can you similie running horses?

    May I see your rewrite, please.  Dewell

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