The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    A bit premature to post

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    tsukany

    Posts : 609
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    A bit premature to post

    Post  tsukany on Thu Aug 28, 2014 2:32 pm

    Looking for the "weeds" I should remove.


    From Far Above

    This world looks like globs of paint:
    bright greens splash over distinct yellows,
    covering pinks mixed with vibrant browns,
    changing everything to warm, and yet

    when one focuses in  
    too hard, ignores
    surroundings,
    presses to monochrome,

    this view turns to

    blacks and whites,
    on sheets of gray.

    --Sukany 24 Aug 2014

    dennis20
    Guest

    summertime blues

    Post  dennis20 on Sat Aug 30, 2014 8:18 am

    Todd,  At the initial reading two words leap out at me which seem insignificant. Small though they are.  Line 5, word "in" could be removed and would not change the thought. Or could leave it in and remove "too hard" although I like those words because of the weigh they carry.  The other small word is "to" at the end of line 9. Of course, changing from the plurals of black and white would be necessary, but I think the thought would survive. My reasoning for this is the subject is "view" not "views" so I could clearly petition for singular black and white in this poem. Growing up with black and white photos, we were thrilled when color came along while our daughter now often takes pics in black and white.  She thinks they are so cool.  Amazing how the "new" is exciting and we are always looking for what we preceive as bigger and better. Meanwhile, back at the launch, your poem is good. Neil would be proud of this one.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 367
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    From Far Above

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Aug 31, 2014 12:03 pm

    Yes, fear will do that to you every time.  And we miss the beauty of possibilities.  Todd, why world and not earth?  Too limiting?  And line five... one... did you consider we?  I think Dennis is on to something with in and to if you are still weeding.  You always come up with a thoughtie thing.  And I appreciate that even when it makes me scratch my hairless head.  Thanks.  Dewell

    dennis20
    Guest

    The world is not enough

    Post  dennis20 on Tue Sep 02, 2014 7:24 pm

    Todd,  After reading Dewell's comment I wonder as well why you didn't use earth instead of world.  In fact, the picture reminded me a view from outerspace, hence the comment of making Neil (Armstrong) proud.  From the title to the
    to the use of the word "view" the reader is given a peek at something under glass.  I think you should use "earth" which would make the reader feel like he is looking first hand at what you are describing.  It is a more intimate word than world.

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Todd's poem

    Post  Pat on Thu Sep 04, 2014 2:05 pm

    I've almost spent my wad of energy. . . . I love the colors and then the black/white. . . .contrast, I guess.  Multi-layered?  or is because I'm needing a nap?   Good job, guys.  Stay with it.  I'll be back with you next time.   Fun to just watch the interaction here.  : )   We are doing well with this thing!
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    tsukany

    Posts : 609
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Here are some notes

    Post  tsukany on Thu Sep 04, 2014 2:12 pm

    The following are the notes that I wrote during the original rough draft:

    "I have been thinking through the Facebook posts related to the emotionally charged issues in Ferguson, Missouri.  I am convinced that the 'community' developed through social media can produce much unhealth.  Part of this is the 'lack of moderation' of posting.  I am not lobbying for censorship.  I am not lobbying for change.  I am commenting on the nature of releasing emotional content into public arenas before those ideas have been discharged of emotion.  I am not lobbying for emotionless rhetoric either.  (Certainly, writing is a fine medium for emotion and recording passion.)"

    "As I thought about this palette of paints in front of an artist, I could feel the tension.  I tried to capture that emotion in words that may relate to the paints."

    Pat

    Posts : 655
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I'll look at it in a few weeks with this in mind.

    Post  Pat on Thu Sep 04, 2014 5:24 pm

    Sounded multilayered, universal, bigger.  I like it.

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