Any thoughts welcome

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Any thoughts welcome

Post  dennis20 on Sat Aug 30, 2014 7:44 am

Humming Birds
 
With the flower bed as a dance floor,
a humming bird at each end advances,
bowing before the stalks of phlox
as if asking each one to dance.
 
The birds stick piercing beaks
deep into the petals until
they look like they are modeling
bonnets or Easter hats.
 
When the birds meet near the middle,
the ruby throat yields.
The female dances past--
for the moment he’s a gentleman.
 
They each carry on, searching
for what the other may have missed,
counting the meeting insignificant--
dancing to different drummers.

dennis20
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Nice offering

Post  tsukany on Sat Aug 30, 2014 4:27 pm

I think this is a strong poem.  I really was struck by "stalks/phlox"  Well done.  Stanza two seems to carry some redundancy.  I would tinker with it.  I am not sure if you are meaning birds that hum or hummingbirds.  Smile  I wonder if the last line (more like a cliche) detracts from the power of "counting the meeting insignificant."  How comfortable would you be cutting the last line?
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Feeders in the front yard

Post  dennis20 on Sat Aug 30, 2014 7:06 pm

Todd,  How sharp your eye in calling me out on the second stanza.  I found the words "stick piercing beaks" and liked the sound of them so wrote the rest of that stanza and added it in the poem just before I posted it.  I kinda wanted it to be a little longer than it was. I could live without the last line, but thought it nailed down the dancing picture I had painted as they passed each other.  Funny, they really hit the terrace hard (back yard) where the flowers are and only hit the feeders in the front yard in late evening or when it's raining.  How would this look for the second stanza?  Thanks for your thoughts. 

The birds stick piercing beaks
deep into the petals until
they look like nervous women 
modeling Easter bonnets

dennis20
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I should have been more clear

Post  tsukany on Sun Aug 31, 2014 5:48 am

Dennis

Sorry.  It's the first line that I find redundant.  How about something like:  The birds' piercing beaks stick / deep into the . . . ?  I much prefer the ending lines of this stanza as you have in the revision.  (Though I am not sure about "nervous")
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Humming Birds

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Aug 31, 2014 11:47 am

Nice poem, Dennis.  Territorial little beasties aren't they... I, too, would drop the end line... helps open up the poem.  I like the original second stanza but I would make line eight   "Easter bonnets."   I am bothered by the line "...they each carry on..."  It does not seem poetic... like a fine simile is missing... maybe play with that thought.
Can you find a title with some action in it... otherwise it feels like a place name on a road map.  This is such an intriguing topic and you show them in a new setting.  Dewell

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sometimes we read and never notice

Post  dennis20 on Tue Sep 02, 2014 7:35 pm

Guys,  It took me a while to realize I meant hummingbirds not Humming Birds.  Big difference.  I sometimes read what I want it to say instead of reading it as written.  Thank you for keen eyes and helpful hints.

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Dennis' poem

Post  Pat on Thu Sep 04, 2014 1:55 pm

Fun to just sit back and watch you three guys process the poem.  You are making a good poem better.   Glad you are up to all this meanness!  : )

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Re: Any thoughts welcome

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