SEA-WASH (first draft)

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SEA-WASH (first draft)

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Aug 31, 2014 11:28 am

A bit late, sorry... on the road... Oregon coast is cool.. 60 degrees.  I'm looking for help to make this poem a clear view of that "in between" time in midlife.  Appreciate all comments.  Dewell

SEA-WASH

Sea stacks part
a butterfly breeze.
Young gulls stitch
a hollyhock sky.
Plovers stalk the foam line
For slack tide bounty.

I wait knee deep
in slow water.
Waxing waves escheat
My feet.
Waning flow denudes
my toes.

My breath comes slow...
Inhale, exhale,
I wait for a sign,
A sense of order...
A purpose for my life.

---Dewell H. Byrd

Dewell H. Byrd

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Love this poem

Post  tsukany on Mon Sep 01, 2014 6:53 am

Dewell

I really like this poem.  The first line trips me.  Not being from the coast, "Sea Stack" is hard to process.  I read stack as a verb.

The second stanza seems unnecessarily "poetic" with "escheat" and "denudes."  The tone of these words is not the same as the rest of the poem.

The last stanza is worth the price of admission.  I love what it does to this reader.  I feel weight, loss, empty, drained.  Wonderful.

Thanks for a beautiful journey.
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SEA-WASH (Draft)

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Sep 01, 2014 11:15 am

Thanks, Todd, for the suggestions and the encouragement.  Sea stacks?  Imagine huge stacks of stone jutting up from the floor of the ocean just off shore... Oregon coast has lots of them.  Sea birds love the lee side and huge waves crash against the windward side creating dangerous undertows.... surfers beware.  Also grey whales scrape barnacles off their bodies on sea stacks as they migrate Alaska to Sea of Cortez and back.  A sight to behold.  Dewell

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Yup

Post  tsukany on Mon Sep 01, 2014 11:29 am

Dewell . . . with no West Coast experience, I had to Google.  No problem, but I didn't know that during the first three reads of the poem.  I wonder if your title is the strongest it can be yet?
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down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky

Post  dennis20 on Tue Sep 02, 2014 7:10 pm

Dewell,  this reminded me of the poem Sea Fever by John Masefield.  I had a hard time--kept trying to read stacks as a verb.  Looked up sea stacks after I read Todd's comments and it finally made sense.  What I like is the busy work in stanza one,  The calming effect from stanza two, and the search for meaning of life in stanza three.  I do like the internal rhyme in stanza two.  Great touch there. I think this is a great poem because the pictures are so real to anyone who has walked along a shore whether on the ocean or just a lake.  The hard part is the fact that only locals would know "stacks" so unless the reader has a way of learning what that is he will be a little confused.  I don't know what the answer to that problem in this instances is though.  Still, great poem.

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Dennis and Dewell

Post  tsukany on Tue Sep 02, 2014 7:45 pm

I know that we are too close to the poem to be objective readers.  That being said, I wonder if adding one of two things might help the first line:  1) a definite article "The sea stacks . . . " or 2) add the name of the specific sea stack you observed?  Since we both had to google "sea stack" if you gave us the one you saw, we'd be queued to research faster than trying to make "stacks" a verb.  What do you think?

p.s.  I would like to wait to hear from Pat before I offer you a comment on my poem.  I need to get her take too.  (That objective readership issue.)  I say that to say that it might be the end of the month before she feels up to posting and "killing" our stuff ).
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Dewell's poem

Post  Pat on Thu Sep 04, 2014 1:48 pm

From my point of view, I am over whelmed and smitten, no energy for google, and maybe this is a poem for those from the West Coast.  I bet you know a mag which will understand and love every line.   Do not worry about my critique.  No shape to give one.   : )   The doctor says I look fine, but I don't see it.   Managed to get an infection which we worked so hard to avoid.  Now, antibiotics.  I don't make much sense most of the time.  This too will pass, Lord willing. . . .   I don't get sick much, but when I do, it is a doosy:  2 steps forward, 3 steps back. 

Enjoying just reading the poems.

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Re: SEA-WASH (first draft)

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