OCTOBER LOVE SONG

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OCTOBER LOVE SONG

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Sep 25, 2014 5:24 pm

Looking for help with rhythm and conflict between lover's passion and natures slow pace... and anything else you see.  I started this poem a year ago and just now got back to it.  The rate of change in October makes it a favorite time for me.  Thanks for your help.  Dewell

OCTOBER LOVE SONG

love me
the harvest moon is late tonight
low in the sky
and the clouds are restless
it looks like rain
again
October passes us by

our shadow grows long
the pumpkin moon is late tonight
geese pull the season
to a close
hold me
love me
October has passed us by

love me
the coin moon is late tonight
wicks sputter
and the west wind chills
air smells like snow
frost
winter knocks at our door

quicken me

-Dewell H. Byrd

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Capt Cutter

Post  tsukany on Fri Sep 26, 2014 6:07 pm

Dewell

I am a fan of cutting repeating lines.  It's just my personal disorder.  Sorry.  I am broken.

OCTOBER LOVE SONG

the harvest moon is late tonight
low in the sky
and the clouds are restless
it looks like rain
again

the pumpkin moon is late tonight
geese pull the season
to a close

love me
love me
the coin moon is late tonight
wicks sputter
and the west wind chills
winter knocks at our door

quicken me

-Dewell H. Byrd
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Under the captn's spell

Post  dennis20 on Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:59 pm

Dewell,  I wanted to cut some things and play more to the three moons, but not as much cutting as Capt Cutter.  However, after reading his version, I think he has done an excellent job. I would have played the moon and October passing us by against each other.  His pics leave me breathless in the moonlight and where else but October in every one.  He let the title do as much without repeating it over and over.  You had some excellent material for him to work with.  It is still your baby.  I love October.

dennis20
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I Love Oct

Post  tsukany on Sat Sep 27, 2014 6:28 am

I love Oct so much I made it our anniversary month.  #33 I think.  

Thanks Dewell and Dennis
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I too like what the Captain did here with your poem.

Post  Pat on Sat Sep 27, 2014 9:41 am

A little bit did get thrown overboard, but you kept the essentials and the beauty and the imagery.   Do you think you kept the pace you wanted to maintain?  If not, add something to emphasize it.  It is your poem.  Dewell, when I read through it twice, I was a little muddled and not sure. When I now read Todd's critiqued version, I was not muddled.   When there is repetition like this one, I think the best ones are perfectly parallel in each stanza and there is a reason for it.   I am always undone by the moon and its light, so you grabbed me right away:   I like the crescent, the coin, pumpkin moons.  Did you notice the loss of frost when Todd finished?   Winter says it all.  And the hold me, love me line in stanza 2 gets us ready for stanza 3.   As a reader, I like what Capt Cutter did.   Hope you do too.    You still have repetition and movement and rhythm.

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My picture of thought here--I couldn't resist

Post  dennis20 on Sun Sep 28, 2014 7:43 pm

From Waves and Words

Basket of shells gathered
some whole, some broken
chosen by color and size
washed and dried

words worked into lines
stressed and rhymed
alliteration considered

all poured
out at our
captn's
feet.

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Nice!

Post  tsukany on Sun Sep 28, 2014 8:00 pm

Well done, Dennis.  I like the mashing of images.  Nice and clear.
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Perfect!

Post  Pat on Sun Sep 28, 2014 8:24 pm

Playful and connected to Captain with shells, waves, poetry.   Good job!  : )

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October Love Song

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Sep 29, 2014 9:53 am

I like most of the changes you suggest to my poem.  However, taking the word October out of the poem seems to leave too much weight on the title.  So I'm looking to insert it near the end.   Still honing... with new insight.  Thanks... Dewell

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titles

Post  tsukany on Mon Sep 29, 2014 10:57 am

Dewell,

I put so much/too much emphasis on titles because of my students.  They like to avoid reading titles.  I want to know they've ignored my title since without it, the poems make even LESS sense.  Misinterpreting my poem because of avoiding titles is another opportunity for me to humiliate.  Smile
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