The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    OCTOBER LOVE SONG

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 374
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    OCTOBER LOVE SONG

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Sep 25, 2014 5:24 pm

    Looking for help with rhythm and conflict between lover's passion and natures slow pace... and anything else you see.  I started this poem a year ago and just now got back to it.  The rate of change in October makes it a favorite time for me.  Thanks for your help.  Dewell

    OCTOBER LOVE SONG

    love me
    the harvest moon is late tonight
    low in the sky
    and the clouds are restless
    it looks like rain
    again
    October passes us by

    our shadow grows long
    the pumpkin moon is late tonight
    geese pull the season
    to a close
    hold me
    love me
    October has passed us by

    love me
    the coin moon is late tonight
    wicks sputter
    and the west wind chills
    air smells like snow
    frost
    winter knocks at our door

    quicken me

    -Dewell H. Byrd
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    tsukany

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Capt Cutter

    Post  tsukany on Fri Sep 26, 2014 6:07 pm

    Dewell

    I am a fan of cutting repeating lines.  It's just my personal disorder.  Sorry.  I am broken.

    OCTOBER LOVE SONG

    the harvest moon is late tonight
    low in the sky
    and the clouds are restless
    it looks like rain
    again

    the pumpkin moon is late tonight
    geese pull the season
    to a close

    love me
    love me
    the coin moon is late tonight
    wicks sputter
    and the west wind chills
    winter knocks at our door

    quicken me

    -Dewell H. Byrd

    dennis20
    Guest

    Under the captn's spell

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:59 pm

    Dewell,  I wanted to cut some things and play more to the three moons, but not as much cutting as Capt Cutter.  However, after reading his version, I think he has done an excellent job. I would have played the moon and October passing us by against each other.  His pics leave me breathless in the moonlight and where else but October in every one.  He let the title do as much without repeating it over and over.  You had some excellent material for him to work with.  It is still your baby.  I love October.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I Love Oct

    Post  tsukany on Sat Sep 27, 2014 6:28 am

    I love Oct so much I made it our anniversary month.  #33 I think.  

    Thanks Dewell and Dennis

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I too like what the Captain did here with your poem.

    Post  Pat on Sat Sep 27, 2014 9:41 am

    A little bit did get thrown overboard, but you kept the essentials and the beauty and the imagery.   Do you think you kept the pace you wanted to maintain?  If not, add something to emphasize it.  It is your poem.  Dewell, when I read through it twice, I was a little muddled and not sure. When I now read Todd's critiqued version, I was not muddled.   When there is repetition like this one, I think the best ones are perfectly parallel in each stanza and there is a reason for it.   I am always undone by the moon and its light, so you grabbed me right away:   I like the crescent, the coin, pumpkin moons.  Did you notice the loss of frost when Todd finished?   Winter says it all.  And the hold me, love me line in stanza 2 gets us ready for stanza 3.   As a reader, I like what Capt Cutter did.   Hope you do too.    You still have repetition and movement and rhythm.

    dennis20
    Guest

    My picture of thought here--I couldn't resist

    Post  dennis20 on Sun Sep 28, 2014 7:43 pm

    From Waves and Words

    Basket of shells gathered
    some whole, some broken
    chosen by color and size
    washed and dried

    words worked into lines
    stressed and rhymed
    alliteration considered

    all poured
    out at our
    captn's
    feet.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Nice!

    Post  tsukany on Sun Sep 28, 2014 8:00 pm

    Well done, Dennis.  I like the mashing of images.  Nice and clear.

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Perfect!

    Post  Pat on Sun Sep 28, 2014 8:24 pm

    Playful and connected to Captain with shells, waves, poetry.   Good job!  : )

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 374
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    October Love Song

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Sep 29, 2014 9:53 am

    I like most of the changes you suggest to my poem.  However, taking the word October out of the poem seems to leave too much weight on the title.  So I'm looking to insert it near the end.   Still honing... with new insight.  Thanks... Dewell
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    tsukany

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    titles

    Post  tsukany on Mon Sep 29, 2014 10:57 am

    Dewell,

    I put so much/too much emphasis on titles because of my students.  They like to avoid reading titles.  I want to know they've ignored my title since without it, the poems make even LESS sense.  Misinterpreting my poem because of avoiding titles is another opportunity for me to humiliate.  Smile

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