The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Upholstery Shop

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    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Upholstery Shop

    Post  Pat on Thu Sep 25, 2014 6:17 pm

     I'm open to any help.   Whatever clangs or makes no sense.  Thank you.


     
                  Upholstery Shop

     

    The bell tinkled as I opened the door.

    More space than I imagined from the outside.

    An up-ended chair with goat’s legs

    in front and cloven hooves, almost

    a creature of enchantment.  Smells

    of varnish and beeswax.  Light filtering

    through the east window.  Mysterious tools.

     

    More than an attic, junk room, antique shop. 

    I glanced about until a burly man in a smock

    gracefully moved toward me like a great

    sea mammal, set down a steaming pot of tea

    and said, Welcome to a tiny place where

    important work happens.  He stretched forth

    a hand, as comfortable as clocks ticking,

    as the highboys standing upright.

     

    Love and reverence floated through the air

    in the midst of old things. 
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    tsukany

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Capt First Person Questioner

    Post  tsukany on Fri Sep 26, 2014 6:22 pm

    Pat . . . I think there's wonderful experience to be shared here.  

    I wonder if we're helped by the "I" of the persona.  Isn't an "I" implied in the actions/descriptions?  (What if the first line is "More space inside than appears from outside . . ."?)  

    Do you want the reader to equate the proprietor as part of the building, as odd as the goat chair?  If so, just describe him as uniquely as you did the chair.  

    Seems like you needed to tell us about love and reverence as a tag.  It seems like the odd quote from the man is a strong line for ending the poem.  I want to have this experience too.  Thanks.

    dennis20
    Guest

    I like to feel the leather when I...

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:34 pm

    Pat,  I like the thought Todd inserted about starting with the second line. More intriging than the bell.  It makes me want to read more.  If you stopped it after the man's statement we would be left to decide on our own about the love and not be confused.  Are you meaning you were in love with the old things or was the man.  It probably would have served better to mention the highboys and clocks further up in the poem with the goat hooves and beeswax thus letting the poem progress to a conclusion. You could have included them with your browsing before the man approached you.  It's kinda like you are trying to open the poem back up instead of letting it conclude.  Good pictures.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 374
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    UPHOLSTRY SHOP

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Sep 29, 2014 10:39 am

    Does the floor creak under his feet?  Is his smock leather?  Does he reach toward you with both hands?  Palms up?
    I want to know as much about him as you tell me about the shop and the chair.
    The quote is a great end line especially if you delete the "I" as Todd and Dennis suggest.
    Warm, friendly poem that invites me in.  Thanks, Dewell.

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Helpful, helpful, helpful. . . . .

    Post  Pat on Mon Sep 29, 2014 11:01 am

    thanks soooo much!     Pat

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