The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Todd's Poem. Trying a new approach.

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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Todd's Poem. Trying a new approach.

    Post  tsukany on Wed Nov 16, 2011 5:22 pm

    DRIVE SOUTH OF SPRINGFIELD

    Ancient Ozark hills are brilliant green;
    cattle graze along tree lines cut into the forest.

    A young man presses a shirt.
    She rolls her hair and freshens a skirt.

    An ancient tango slowly continues between
    the line of drilled-and-blasted limestone.

    The couple drives the road outside Branson
    where red brush on the mounds looks like zits.

    --Sukany 31 Oct 2011

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Drive South of Springfield

    Post  Pat on Fri Nov 25, 2011 7:26 am

    Title: clear about where you are going.

    S 1 - so what you see, we see. I like the first word: ancient. Says a lot. You might tighten the first line with a comma instead of the to-be word, maybe: hills, a brilliant green or an emerald green, whatever you want us to see.

    S 2 - young being opposite of ancient. Nice touch. Wondering exactly what freshens a skirt means. I'm thinking she is straightening it out with her hands. Is that right. I like the he. . . . she. . . .

    S 3 - ancient again. . . . i'm wondering if old might work better. Old for the sounds to go with slow and tango. And it would take nothing away from ancient Ozark hills. I can see the drilled and blasted limestone. So familiar.

    S 4 - and, of course, you caught me by playful surprise: I didn't expect zits. : ) Your humor came through. . . . Everything is pretty much through the eyes of the norm until then. Then, wham: a new way to see the mounds with sumac bushes: they are zits!!!! I had to laugh. Playful and descriptive.

    Enjoyed reading it. . . . Pat
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Thanks Pat

    Post  tsukany on Fri Nov 25, 2011 7:37 am

    S 3...YES. and "old" sounds nice with Ozarks

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