Todd's Poem. Trying a new approach.

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Todd's Poem. Trying a new approach.

Post  tsukany on Wed Nov 16, 2011 5:22 pm

DRIVE SOUTH OF SPRINGFIELD

Ancient Ozark hills are brilliant green;
cattle graze along tree lines cut into the forest.

A young man presses a shirt.
She rolls her hair and freshens a skirt.

An ancient tango slowly continues between
the line of drilled-and-blasted limestone.

The couple drives the road outside Branson
where red brush on the mounds looks like zits.

--Sukany 31 Oct 2011
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Drive South of Springfield

Post  Pat on Fri Nov 25, 2011 7:26 am

Title: clear about where you are going.

S 1 - so what you see, we see. I like the first word: ancient. Says a lot. You might tighten the first line with a comma instead of the to-be word, maybe: hills, a brilliant green or an emerald green, whatever you want us to see.

S 2 - young being opposite of ancient. Nice touch. Wondering exactly what freshens a skirt means. I'm thinking she is straightening it out with her hands. Is that right. I like the he. . . . she. . . .

S 3 - ancient again. . . . i'm wondering if old might work better. Old for the sounds to go with slow and tango. And it would take nothing away from ancient Ozark hills. I can see the drilled and blasted limestone. So familiar.

S 4 - and, of course, you caught me by playful surprise: I didn't expect zits. : ) Your humor came through. . . . Everything is pretty much through the eyes of the norm until then. Then, wham: a new way to see the mounds with sumac bushes: they are zits!!!! I had to laugh. Playful and descriptive.

Enjoyed reading it. . . . Pat

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Thanks Pat

Post  tsukany on Fri Nov 25, 2011 7:37 am

S 3...YES. and "old" sounds nice with Ozarks
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