The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Square Nails And Old Roses

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Square Nails And Old Roses

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Oct 26, 2014 1:15 pm

    I really need help on this potentially excellent poem.  Should S. one be S. three?  Is the pond a loose end?  Better if couple are Jess and Becky?  See what I mean? 

    Square Nails And Old Roses

    An autumn breeze quilts the farm pond.
    Vanilla light leans into the hour
    As the chimney's shadow creeps long.

    A young couple filled with hope built
    A log cabin with square nails and
    Planted rosebushes in the door yard.

    Now the pecan tree shelters them
    Beneath marble markers that sum their lives.
    Two more headstones simply say "baby."

    Seasons turn by faith alone and
    Children scatter leaving time at rest
    Like an hourglass reclining on its side.

    An old man, exiled by winter, leans
    On his cane, picks the last rose
    From the bush that entwines yesterday.

         -Dewell H. Byrd
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    Karen

    Posts : 287
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: Square Nails And Old Roses

    Post  Karen on Sun Oct 26, 2014 2:11 pm

    I am not qualified to critique, but I prefer the young couple not have names.  And I expect a farm to have a pond.  It doesn't seem like a loose end.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Dewell

    Post  tsukany on Fri Oct 31, 2014 6:50 am

    Nice images.

    What about a poem that is stanzas two and three?  I think the energy and tension are in those two.  The other stanzas pale hard in comparison.

    Todd

    Karen,  You are a poet and a reader of poems.  Those are the qualifications we need here at LastFriday.  Smile

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Nails and Roses

    Post  Pat on Fri Oct 31, 2014 8:18 am

    I like the title, Dewell.  Hard and Soft.  Like life.

    All the energy is in the stanzas 2 and 3.   Gut-grabbing.

    I don't need to know about autumn, old man, children.  I'd stay with what is powerful.   However, put the images in a seed-book.  You may be able to use them in another poem. 

    If you change it to stanzas 2 & 3, it shortens it severely, but has the punch that life actually deals young/old couples.

    dennis20
    Guest

    "The Hard Times" sang best by Bobby Osborne

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Oct 31, 2014 10:19 am

    Dewell,  Good poem that to many fingers have ripped up for you.   Not me.  I think this is a better picture than what the others saw:

    A young couple filled with hope built
    A log cabin with square nails and
    Planted rosebushes in the door yard.



    Seasons turn by faith alone and
    Children scatter leaving time at rest
    Like an hourglass reclining on its side.



    Now the pecan tree shelters them
    Beneath marble markers that sum their lives.
    Two more headstones simply say "baby."

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Square Nails, etc...

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Oct 31, 2014 1:59 pm

    Great ideas... thanks.  I'm reluctant to squeeze this poem into two stanzas... am thinking about a middle stanza that speaks to hard times and soft times (winter/Summer) in their lives... then I'd have more of what I set out to write.  Your suggestions really got me thinking.  Thanks, Dewell. 
    WELCOME ABOARD, KAREN.

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